Take Me Back to Manhattan

We do not remember days...
Monday, December 31, 2007

"We do not remember days, we remember moments." -- Cesare Pavase

I'm sure it's somewhat cliched to look back on the year on December 31st - so I'll be cliche. 2007 has been a gargantuan year. A bittersweet year. A life cycle year. A year of new beginnings and great endings. A year of moments.

Our wedding overlooking the mountains surrounded by love and light and everyone important in our lives.

The way the sun shone through the clouds on the day of my grandmother's funeral and the feeling of peace that I had with her death.

The news of several of my closest friends pregnancies - in Trader Joe's from Annie, in front of my house from Kelly, driving to work from Kate.

An Italian dinner at Frankie's that celebrated the women in my life.

Making my grandmother laugh in the hospital.

Sitting in Montalcino sucking up fat spaghetti with cherry tomatoes and garlic and olive oil with everything so fresh, you could practically taste the soil.

Days in LA where I missed New York so much that it actually hurt. And days where I was glad to be in the sunshine of Los Angeles instead of the cold and bleary days back east.

Days with friends that I never wanted to end.

So many moments - they run together. Some of them too wonderful for words and some of them too painful. It has been a year of wonderful new beginnings and difficult losses and painful lessons. And growth - it has most certainly been a year of growth. I have had a year of tremendous support from family and friends and a year where I've stopped realling knowing what the difference is between the two. It has been a year of getting to know myself in a way that I feel so much better for. So much stronger for. A year of learning to judge less and to understand more. A year of standing up for what I deserve. A year of saying goodbye to bad habits. A year of change.

When I think of 2007, and I think of that scene from Parenthood where the grandmother is talking about life being a rollercoaster with incredible ups and downs. That was 2007. A perfect swirl of colors and lights and sounds with the camera of my life just spinning and spinning.

But I must say, with the last month of 2007 has come tremendous peace and calm. And that's how I'll begin 2008. I wish all of you a year filled with dreams come true. A year filled with fantastic and beautiful moments.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:20 PM 0 comments    

Labels: introspection

Have yourself...
Monday, December 24, 2007

It is Christmas Eve and I've gotten a moment of quiet. I took out the computer while it was there and now the quiet is gone. But I enjoy the noise nonetheless. I am alternating between English Breakfast tea and J Pinot Gris. The tree is lit with ornaments the colors of the sea. Appropriate considering we are south of Santa Barbara - about 5 minutes from Rincon Beach. The house is full of laughter and children's voices and different accents and fantastic smells. There's "White Christmas" playing on the stereo and soon it will be followed by a Bob Marley or U2 Christmas song - both of which I would have been able to think of that names if only you'd asked me two glasses of wine ago. We just ate some sort of tenderloin that was out of this world and mixed baby greens with dried cranberries and stilton and candied pecans and haricot verts with marcona almonds and lemon juice and baked potatoes with creme fraiche and butter and scallions. We've just realized that we left the bottle of pinot grigio in the freezer but we've gotten it out just in time. There are cookies going out for Santa - along with a pint of Guiness and a carrot for the reindeer.

Christmas is magic.

I describe this scene because I can't quite find the words to describe how I feel. And being surrounded by these Brits, I hear myself writing this and saying "Cah-n't" in my head...like you would say car. Do other people do that? Read their emails or their articles or their blogs in the voices that they imagine are authoring? I do.

Anyhow, I can't find the words. I hope that one day I'll become the writer that can transport you there to experience everything happening as it is in my world. But for now, I'm not certain I can do it justice. We are with close friends celebrating the holiday in their home - friends who are family.

I think of a year ago. My first Christmas Eve with Fin and Russell. It was just the four of us. We gathered in this newly built living room around the fireplace and ate on the floor and drank red wine. The only light was that of the Christmas tree - the first piece of furniture to enter the new home. We laughed and spoke of the year past and the year ahead. We weren't married yet. It was our first and only Christmas as fiances with all the hope and excitement of everything to come. We spent the evening wrapping gifts and eating the cookies and carrots left out. And laughing.

We were awoken by the kids the next morning at some ungodly hour in order to open presents. It was my first Christmas morning with children and it was fantastic. We awoke to "Santa's come! SANTA'S COME!!! Michelle, Matt, come ON!" Gifts were chosen and paper was torn apart and bicycles were ridden and forts were built and Christmas morning was the most fantastic thing ever.

And here we are again a year later. There's something different the second year. A building of tradition. A lovely ease. This time the house is filled with far more people and it appears that there's no last minute gift-wrapping (although it's only 8:45 and there are still children awake. But I'm not sure my less than stellar wrapping abilities would be enhanced any by the amount of wine I've consumed.) The house has been occupied for almost a year and we've even got our own room for when we come to stay. A whole year has past and dare I say it for fear of sounding like my great aunt Connie - the kids are a year older. And so are we.

A lot has happened in this past year. I'm grateful for this evening. The same place a year later...to look back and reflect. I can't describe how I feel - can't possibly do it justice. But the genius is that I'm with people that don't need to hear the words. They just know.

I hope your Christmas is filled with all the beauty and wonderment and reflection that you could possibly ask for.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:22 PM 0 comments    

Labels: family, food and drink, friends, whilst drinking

20-something bloggers
Sunday, December 23, 2007

I have to admit, I feel like I missed out. As far as I can see, there's no such thing as 30-something bloggers. I even googled it just to be certain. There are plenty of blogs pertaining to 30-something, but no sort of community or group. There's only 20-something and I can't join. And it leaves me feeling - dare I say it - old. I was 20-something once. I had all sorts of life experiences too. I was single and dating. I could hold my liquor a whole lot better. I could live in an apartment the size of shoebox and not care less. I could live with reckless abandon. I could not know what I wanted and feel sort-of ok about it (as OK as a type A personality can feel). I was tormented (ok - sometimes still am) and drunk and free of most responsibility (although I didn't realize it then). And now, because I didn't write it down, I feel left out of a generation. But only sometimes.

There are days when I revel in 30. There are days when I am fully aware of the fact that I am just beginning to enter some of the best years of my life. They are the best because I know myself better than I did when I was in my 20's. In some ways, I'm clearer about what I want and in others, to be honest, I'm less clear. Although I'm way more willing to admit that now. I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I've got a wonderful husband and true home that I'm proud of and love spending time in. I've enjoyed getting older. Mostly. There are certainly night when I long for the New York City streets, bottles of tequila, great friends, and the mystery of the next bar. But then, don't we romanticize what's past? I remember those days with great fondness, forgetting the torment and the distress that was often a part of those years. It's easy to look back and remember the great. And while there are many moments that I have to remind myself of this, I truly believe we are meant to live in the now.

But I still feel a little left out. And perhaps it's just because there's still a part of me that's nostalgic. There's still a part of me that revels in those rare nights out where I can stay awake until 2 in the morning. I still enjoy the man that flirts with me even though there's no mystery or what if's that accompany it. When I get time with my girlfriends, I am proud to admit how much I depend on them - for advice, for companionship, for laughter. I often still feel like I'm in my 20's - but like a fine wine, a little better with time.

Still, I can't help but feel a little like I've been discriminated against. Just a little. Or perhaps it's just that I'd love another day in the life of a 20-something.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:27 PM 1 comments    

Labels: drinking, introspection, musings on life, whilst drinking

An Ode to Peppermint Mochas
Friday, December 21, 2007

I am sitting here this morning on what is my last day in the office for the next week, sipping a peppermint mocha in pure bliss. It's not about the impending vacation, although I'm sure that's adding to my mood. It's the peppermint mocha. It lets me know that all is right with the world. Perhaps that sounds dramatic or exaggerated to you. But then my guess is that you have not had the joy of experiencing a peppermint mocha.

Peppermint mochas are my signal that the holiday season has arrived. I patiently drink regular mochas or lattes the rest of the year while I await the day when I see the deep red, snowflake covered Starbucks cup appear...signaling that it's that time of year. I take my first sip and the warm minty goodness slides down my throat, and I feel my entire body smiling from head to toe. I'm telling you. It's like liquid crack.

But perhaps my favorite part of the peppermint mocha is the fact that my love for this drink is shared with my two oldest friends who love it just as much as I do. Every year, like clockwork, an email goes out when one of us has partaken for the first time. And while it's rare that all three of us get to enjoy them in person together anymore, the phone calls to let each other know that we've just had one and thought of each other seem to come in a close second. There's nothing that makes me happier than the phone calls with what seems like potentially mundane news because in old friendships, it's anything but. Without fail I smile when I get these messages or see these emails in my inbox. I am reminded that I have friends that know me - truly KNOW me - and with whom the mundane is the most exciting of all because it keeps us up to date on the real life happenings no matter how close or far we live.

When we were 6, we ate potato latkes together in Hebrew school. When we were 8 and everyone else cut out Christmas trees in school, we were making Hanukkah bushes. When we were 13, we went shopping for our boyfriend's holiday gifts together. When we were 16, we made each other care packages to take on the plane for our respective holiday vacations filled not only with delicious treats but also with weeks worth of "notes" for our reading pleasure. When we were 18, we celebrated our first Christmas break home from college. When we were 24, we brought in the year 2000 together. And now that we're 32, we're sharing peppermint mochas. A lifetime of holidays spent together and the beauty is that, while we're no longer together physically, we'll always be together - even if just through a sip of peppermint mocha.

I raise my mocha to the two of you. Here's to the next 30 years of holidays together - be it in person, in spirit or in peppermint mocha.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 10:28 AM 1 comments    

Labels: food and drink, friends

It's the most wonderful time of the year
Thursday, December 20, 2007

But the traffic sucks. And people driving aren't very much in any sort of holiday spirit. In fact, I would venture to say that the drivers in this town are the antithesis of the holiday spirit. I just witnessed all sorts of yelling and screaming and swearing (I tried to block my virgin ears...) Is it really that bad?

I've said it once, I'll say it again. I am not a fan of the city where one needs to own a car. Cars and driving cause all sorts of negative things, not the least of which are road rage, ill will toward others and long waits to get places.

I'm just sayin'.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:30 PM 0 comments    

Labels: driving

rain + strike=grumpy
Wednesday, December 19, 2007

It's raining in LA and while my neighbor says it's good because we need it, apparently I've become addicted to the groundhog day-like sun that seems to greet me almost every morning. Usually it lasts for a day and we're done. We grumble and moan and don't leave for lunch and then we awake the next morning to the sun, reassuring us that all is well in the land of LaLa. So it poured yesterday. True to form, I had trouble getting out of bed. I felt lethargic and annoyed and my new haircut looked like shit. I went directly home after work. I did not pass go or go to yoga or meet a friend. I got into sweats and I planted myself on my couch and went to bed early, certain that I would awake to a new, bright, sunshine-y day.

But this morning didn't feel bright and sunshine-y. It was drizzly and overcast and that's where my mood is too. And besides the fact that it's supposed to rain AGAIN tomorrow, I can't help but attribute some of this to the fact that my brain is atrophying from lack of use due to this interminable strike attacking the land of entertainment. It's become a game of he said, she said and I don't know who's telling the truth and who's lying. (I'm sure both are doing both.) And quite honestly, I don't really care - I just want it to end. It feels like everything is in a holding pattern until this is over, including my ability to make decisions for myself about my wants and desires and my life. For a while, this has actually been good for me since I tend to spend such ridiculous amounts of time trying to figure out what I should do with my life and end up getting so overwhelmed and anxious about the whole thing that I never get anywhere. So I've sat with where I am. For the past 6 weeks, I've patiently sat with where I am. And I've mostly been OK with that. I've even enjoyed the challenge of slowing down my ever swirling brain. But these days I find myself staring blankly at the computer screen for far longer than I could ever imagine possible due to the lack of creative energy (or any energy for that matter) flowing through these halls. I find my fingers hovering idly over the keyboard waiting for something mildly interesting to flow out. I surf the web, looking for something, anything to bring me some ounce of mental stimulation. It's not that the stimulation I had pre-strike was so immense - but it was better than nothing which is what I've got now.

Today, I'm tired of it. Today, I can't sit where I am. Today, I want to move forward...catapult myself out of this cubicle and into the world that I am certain I belong in if I could only figure out what it is. I know it is fulfilling and intellectually stimulating and challenging. I know it has me excited to get out of bed in the morning. I know it has me doing something that feels good. Something that fills me up so that my head doesn't have to spin because it's busy taking care of the things that are demanded of me.

And I think about that and I look at where I am, where I have been, and those pictures don't match. They aren't those two pictures sitting side by side that challenge you to look closely to figure out what's different. They are drastically different pictures.

I met a healer about a month ago by happenstance. She was helping make a documentary for which my husband was being interviewed. We spoke for a little while about not much at all and then she looked at me and said, "You need to work on your fifth chakra - it's your chakra of communication and creativity."

"Interesting," I responded, mildly skeptical of her assessment.

"Once you open up your fifth chakra, you'll figure out what you want to do with your life. You'll know."

I looked at her, my eyes open wide like a child's. How on earth did she know that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life? And not in a casual, "Well, someday I'll figure it out" sort of way...In an "it plagues me that I don't know" sort of way. She understood that...saw it in me.

I started this post to bitch about the rain. I erased about 10 things that I wrote, unable to find any sort of flow or value in my words. Until I decided to stop censoring and just write. The beauty of a day like this is that I had no idea that this is where this post would go or that it was even what I was thinking or feeling. The beauty of a day like this is that I have been reminded that I need to work on my fifth chakra.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:30 PM 1 comments    

Labels: introspection, meltdowns

Carole had it right
Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My thighs jiggle a little side to side. Doesn't that mean I'm human and alive? I've had men tell me I look great when I feel ten pounds overweight and that I was too skinny once upon a time. Others may whisper that I've gained a little weight and wonder whether or not it will come off at a later date.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I look at myself bearing all in the mirror and I know I can choose - beauty or distaste. For years I chose to see all that was wrong. I could never see a beautiful woman with a strong body and a strong will. I saw curves in all the wrong places. I wished for small where there was bigger and bigger where there was small. I couldn't appreciate the way things hung, the way things swung. But I finally learned to embrace the body that is my home. And in doing so I can listen to what feels good- like yoga and breath and finishing a hike and sometimes a couple of glasses of wine. And I know that when I feel strong I feel good and beautiful. Because I am. I am a woman. I have hips that sway and shoulders that show strength and a waist that shows femininity. I am not perfect. But my imperfection is perfectly human. And real. And beautiful.

I have curves and for that I do not have to apologize. Or lose weight. I am a real woman. And I like and embrace it some days and other days I don't and wish I was straighter and longer and leaner and meaner. Some clothes fit me perfectly and others look awful. What wasted time I spent trying to make my body fit certain clothes rather than knowing what clothes fit my body. Wouldn't it be boring if we all looked good in everything?

I wish and hope that someday my daughter will look in the mirror and know she's beautiful because of who she is. Because she will be - curvy or lean, short or tall, whatever she may be. I want to teach her to love herself and embrace all of her "differences" and to KNOW that she is beautiful.

We are all different and there is no standard of beauty we should conform to. We should live by the desire to feel strong and healthy and empowered and comfortable in our own skin. Your thighs are beautiful because they are yours. And they help you to sit down and stand up and dance. If you don't like them, then recognize why. Is it because you don't fit into an ideal or because you aren't taking care of yourself? There is a difference that it seems very few are taught in this day and age of thin=good. Inevitably when I don't feel good about myself, it has nothing to do with my weight. It has to do with what I'm putting in my body and whether or not I'm taking care of it the way I like to. And when I start to do the things that make me feel good, I don't notice what I look like so much as I notice that I feel strong and empowered.

If someone hasn't told you lately, know that you are beautiful. Because in the words of the great Carole King:
You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart.
Then people gonna treat you better.
You're gonna find (yes you will)
That you're beautiful as you feel.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:45 PM 2 comments    

Labels: conscious living

I know. It's just a blog.
Monday, December 17, 2007

I've been working on this new look all day. I finally decided that I had to let go and move forward. I know it's just a blog. But I liked it the way it was.

I eventually came up with what you are currently looking at and it's just fine. Because at the end of the day, as I was reminded last Friday, it's the words that count.

But for this moment, I have no more words. I have been depleted by this crap. I am not digitally inclined. I remember feeling incredibly proud of myself when I first set up my blog. I had figured out how to do what was probably basic to most but for me, was quite an accomplishment.

This time I just felt pissed. Especially because everything that I'd worked so hard for was inexplicably taken away. I KNOW. It's just a blog. But it's MY BLOG. And I spent hours on Friday and again this morning trying to get it back to it's original look. I wasn't excited the way I had been the first time. I got more and more frustrated and exacerbated until it became clear to me that I couldn't really think anymore. I realized I was having a meltdown over a blog and I decided to let it go. Because it is just the look of my blog.

I used up all of today's brain power and then some. So tomorrow, I'll write something prolific.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:35 PM 1 comments    

Labels: daily, meltdowns

annoying.com
Friday, December 14, 2007

This whole layout thing has my panties in a bunch. I know it's ridiculous but it's made me realize how attached I've become to my blog. It's a bit of my identity. And now I've lost my Hollywood sign and I experimented with so many at the beginning of this thing that I can't figure out which one I used. And the header is too small for it even if I could figure it out and I'm just PISSED OFF ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

It's just that sort of day. I'm going to throw in the towel. You don't need to read a rant of a post about nothing. And I'm too annoyed to focus. But in honor of my disaster, I've made my blog black for the time being.

Right now is about the only time I'm glad there's a strike. Because I'll obviously have plenty of time to deal with this.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:11 PM 2 comments    

Labels: daily

Technical difficulties - for real this time

I don't know what happened to the design of my blog...the bottom of the Hollywood sign got cut off and I tried to fix it and, well...if this page is pink right now, then you can see what happened...

I'm not particularly digitally inclined. But I'm working on it. Because this ain't pretty...

UPDATE- I don't know what happened. One moment my blog looked fine and now my header's a bona fide disaster. I'm working on it...because those of you who know me know that while I am clear that the substance is on the inside...I still like to look good.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:29 PM 0 comments    

The day before the slush
Thursday, December 13, 2007

There's a snow storm on the east coast. I always loved the day it snowed in New York. The city looked and felt so gorgeous and serene covered in blankets of fresh, pure white snow. No matter that the following day it all turned to hell what with huge puddles of gross, dirty slush everywhere. The day it snowed was just...magical.

I have many memories of New York snow days -- drinking wine at noon, bundling up to walk down the street to the bar on the corner on New Year's Eve day, Sex and the City marathons at 135 Perry Street, kissing on the sidewalk surrounded by white, cuddled under covers watching bad movies and wearing warm turtlenecks, cozy dinners at Freddy's with the white showers falling outside -- to name a few.

Somehow it always feels warmer outside when it's snowing. If it were colder it would be sleet or even perhaps be too cold for anything to drop from the sky. But it's not too cold and the beautiful little snow caps fall to the ground. Warm enough to spend some time taking a walk through the West Village with hat and scarf and mittens, sipping hot chocolate or hot coffee. Warm enough to throw just a few snowballs. Warm enough to catch a snowflake on your tongue before you run back into the heat of your small but perfect New York apartment where you'll order in Thai or Indian and sip port and watch the inches pile up.

And isn't it funny that no matter how special the people that you spend snow days are to you, they become ten times more special when you're huddled inside together as snow falls outside. Whether it's a friend or a husband or a new found crush, snow days and snow moments are impossibly romantic.

Ahhhhh -snow days. New York is such a fun and fantastic winter wonderland.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:58 PM 2 comments    

Labels: NYC, past

See no evil
Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Over the weekend it became physically necessary for me to spend time with others with my eyes closed. Long story short (because this isn't what this post is about) on Saturday morning, I squirted Dr. Bronner's Lavender soap directly into my eye. Undiluted. It was painful. Excruciatingly painful. I attempted to care for it but it got increasingly worse as the day progressed, despite my continued eye flushing. However, I was unwilling to take myself out of the fun equation (because Sharon is a self-proclaimed "fun machine" and I have to admit...it's true) so I continued to participate in a large portion of Saturday's activities despite the fact that it pained me to see.

The point iiiiiiiiiiiiiis that over the weekend I spent extended periods of time with others with my eyes closed. No big deal. Right? Wrong.

Interestingly enough, I found it to be a very big deal. I know that it is said that when you lose one of your senses, be it temporarily or permanently, your others become stronger. It didn't feel that way for me. Perhaps it was because I was so uncomfortable that everything just started to fade away. The first time I closed my eyes was at lunch. There were four of us at the table and I was sitting in between two people. I got to the point where I realized I was far more comfortable with both eyes closed completely, so this is what I did. And all of a sudden, I felt outrageously removed from the same exact situation that I'd been in milliseconds earlier. In a pure physical sense, I literally couldn't hear the conversation as well. And from an emotional standpoint, it felt like I was eavesdropping. I truly felt like I was no longer a part of the group that I was sitting with. Simply because I couldn't see them.

I pried my eyes open and immediately was jolted back into a sense of belonging. And a sense of pain...so I closed my eyes again and sat with it.

Throughout the remainder of the weekend, I chose to close my eyes at moments. At one point, I was alone with another person...just the two of us...and so I knew that their words were directed to me. I still felt involved. But when we were in a group, I continually felt removed.

Several things have struck me about this, not the least of which is how grateful I am for all of my senses. Although I'd like to believe that I'm not the kind of person to take things for granted, the truth is that I do. I think that most of us tend to take things that are our "norm" for granted. And sight has certainly always been my norm. I've lost my appetite at times or my sense of smell (and consequently my sense of taste) because of a cold. But I've never had my sight taken away from me without CHOOSING to give it up. And I've never thought about it in this way. Of course you think about the beauty of the world that you have the opportunity to see every day...but I never thought about how it would effect me in other ways. Probably because I had no idea how it would effect me in other ways. I could have never imagined that not being able to see would leave me feeling removed from a conversation or a moment. And I find it both fascinating and humbling that it did.

Further, what is striking me as I'm writing in this moment is the fact that I'm not always the best listener. When I have something to say, I feel the urge to say it RIGHT THEN. I don't know if I feel scared that I'm going to lose my thought or if I just feel the need to be heard. I have become increasingly aware of this habit of mine. But this past weekend I was essentially forced to listen. Something about looking at a person makes me feel more freedom to interrupt. But I wasn't looking at anyone and so I lost that feeling. And I'm thinking that this is something that I should work very hard to take with me from this point forward.

I've often talked about listening more. In my head, I know it's much more valuable than talking. But old habits die hard. I think it's time to kill this one. To really see each person as I hear what they say - and to recognize that being able to experience them fully - to see them, to hear them, to feel their energy - is a gift. One that shouldn't be taken for granted.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:54 PM 0 comments    

Labels: life lessons

Girlfriends
Tuesday, December 11, 2007

There was an article in the New York Times about 5 years ago. I've looked for it time and again and can't seem to find it. It talked about a hormone that is only released from female friendships and how romantic relationships don't fill the same needs as female friendships. I am positive this is true. Of course, romantic relationships fulfill other emotional needs that friendships alone can not. But I could never live with solely a romantic relationship. I am a person who needs my girlfriends (slash my gay friends who are essentially my girlfriends in sheep's clothing.)

So it makes sense that I felt like I was coming down from a great high when I got to my empty home last night. It's a bizarre comparison but it's accurate. It feels like I've come down. I had a home filled with people all weekend - most notably one of my oldest and dearest girlfriends. When I got home last night, that hormone, whatever it's called, was gone. (Not to mention that my husband has been back in NYC for the week, so it was genuinely empty.)

I don't know why it is, but I don't get time with my girlfriends here like I got in New York. I think that part of it is because Los Angeles is more spread out which makes it more difficult than NYC. In New York, I could meet a friend for a glass of wine for an hour before we both went to a dinner...or I met them for dinner...or sometimes even after dinner. There were a few friends that I saw at least 2 or 3 times a week. It was easy - no one had to get in a car to drive anywhere. And we all lived within 15 minutes of each other...walking.

I also could connect with most anyone, anywhere via the phone during the evenings. If I had a night at home, I could get on the phone with a friend in Chicago or LA or Atlanta or San Fransisco or Boston or New York. But now it's usually too late to connect with the east coast or midwest when I'm done with work. The time difference makes it insanely difficult to get people on the phone or for people to get me on the phone, for that matter. Even on the weekends - their early evening is my middle of the day.

And then there's the fact of sheer numbers. Quite simply, I have a lot more really close friends in New York most of whom have known me at least ten years. I only have one friend out here who's known me for more than four (and that includes my husband.) And I am immensely grateful for my newer friendships, for the ones that I have often don't feel new. They feel warm and familiar and safe. But it takes time to cultivate the comfort that one has with their oldest friends.

Maybe I just miss my friends in New York. Not only do I miss my friends in New York, but I miss the frequency with which I felt the opportunity to connect with all of my friends in general. I crave that hormone more than I get it...but this weekend I got a hefty, wonderful overdose. And it's not something that I ever want to detox from.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:27 PM 0 comments    

Labels: friends

Food for thought
Monday, December 10, 2007

According to Self magazine, LA was voted the city where you were most likely to suffer from depression. Hmmm. More on this later. When I can see properly again.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 5:12 PM 0 comments    

Labels: LA rant

Tomorrow is a new day

Tomorrow we will return to our regularly scheduled program but for now, I can't look at a computer screen any longer due to the fact that I squirted Dr. Bronner's soap in my eye on Saturday. I know. It's ridiculous. I'm seeing the eye doctor tomorrow.

Have a great night.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:40 PM 0 comments    

In Style
Friday, December 7, 2007

"They say nothing lasts forever. Dreams change. Trends come and go...But friendships never go out of style."

That, my friends, is the opening voice over from the trailer for the Sex and the City movie. And it couldn't have come at a more apropos time.

I decided to move to Los Angeles at the same time that Carrie Bradshaw moved to Paris. I was still living in New York when the finale aired but I was out in LA visiting my betrothed before he was that... I watched the entire episode with tears streaming down my face. It was the end of an era -- Sex and the City was ending and so was my time in New York. My life had often mirrored Carrie's sans the 50+ pairs of Manolos and Jimmy Choos. And yes, I'm aware that 1 million other women, New Yorker or otherwise, feel the same way. But I bet you'd be harder pressed to find as many people that faced the dilemma of moving away from their beloved city at the same exact time that Carrie did.

It was a double whammy - I felt like I was losing not one, but TWO of my closest friends.

So it's ironic that on the same day that I get to hear that fabulous voice over again that so often forecasted the goings on in my life, one of my best friends (shall we call her the Samantha to my Carrie?) is visiting Los Angeles. She's only been here for about 18 hours, but already, I feel more at home. I've been in Los Angeles for a little over three years - and in that time, I've not had nearly enough time with Sharon. And while so much has changed, some things have stayed the same. And our friendship is one of them. So yes - dreams DO change and trends absolutely come and go...but there are certain friendships that never, EVER go out of style.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 11:24 AM 1 comments    

Labels: friends, NYC

Innocence Lost
Thursday, December 6, 2007

At approximately 9:30 last night, I took Thursday out for her last walk of the evening. She jaunted down the street and I deeply inhaled the cool night air. While I'm generally fairly tired by the time we perform this evening ritual, I've learned to enjoy this time of night - sort of a final farewell to that day. A chance to go over that day's events and emotions before I put the day to rest.

We took our normal evening route - down one side of our street, across the street, and up the other side. I was lost in my own thought, enjoying the feel of the cool night air. About 1/4 of the way up the other side of the street, Thursday started barking. I looked and saw nothing there. But then I looked down. There, in the gateway to one of our neighbors homes, was a pair of shoes. Upon closer examination, I found that these shoes were on feet that were attached to a body that was lying limply across the pathway to this home. I couldn't see a face and I was so taken aback that I couldn't possibly imagine what it was that I was supposed to do in that moment. It was dark out on a very quiet street. We live in a perfectly nice neighborhood but it's not with out it's share of homeless people that visit now and again. And I was on this street at 9:30 at night all by myself...this was not a New York block where I would have generally been in the company of at least 3 or 4 other people at any given time (although I must admit, that upon examination, I can't say that I would have been any less taken aback/sort of scared if I'd been in New York).

Thursday and I quickly crossed the street and cut the walk short to tell my husband what had just occurred.

"What do I do? I feel like an awful person. I wanted to see if they were ok, to ask if they needed help...but it's dark and I was by myself and what if they were crazy or it was a scam?"

He quickly assured me that I'd done the right thing and that we should call the police. They would come and either way, they would take care of the situation.

And that's exactly what happened. He called the police and within a matter of minutes, an ambulance pulled up in front of the house. From what we could glean from watching from up the block and across the street, the person was awoken by the EMT's and was able to stand up with some assistance from them. They spoke for some time and then it looked as though said person was escorted into the home. So we gathered that this person had been walking into their home and had passed out or had some sort of episode or something and had been lying unconscious in front of their house.

I have been thinking about this non-stop since last night. Because I hate that I didn't just bend down and ask this person if they were ok. That seems like the natural and human thing to do. It seems like it should have been my first instinct. But my first instinct was to get scared. I felt upset last night because the man, though a stranger, was in genuine need of help. My husband reminded me that's exactly what we did. We helped. Without putting ourselves in a direct line of danger. But I still feel sad for the fact that I live in a world where I have to think twice before I help someone lying on the ground in my own neighborhood. It just doesn't seem right.

It gets me thinking a lot of things about the "world" we live in. And then I feel like I've gotten so old that I'm now the one thinking about these things. It's a beautiful world but it's also a scary world at times. How do you find a balance? How do you take the knowledge that we all have about the world and the many different kinds of people in it and still be the kind stranger?

And so last night my evening walk was not about closure. It was not a chance to put the days events to rest. Instead it was the opportunity to question the way I look at the world and to try to understand it in a new way.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:19 PM 3 comments    

Labels: musings on life, neighborhoods

A bonafide Hoover
Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I'm sorry. It's 5:41 and I haven't done much of anything, including coming up with something brilliant to write about here. These days these halls are a vacuum of creativity. I have excessive time on my hands but any ounce of creativity that courses through my veins is literally sucked out through my ears before it reaches my brain. My suspicions that too much time on my hands is my worst enemy are true. The busier I am, the more productive I am. The less I have to do, the less I do.

Tomorrow is a new day. And perhaps I'll have something interesting to say then.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 5:41 PM 0 comments    

Chemistry
Tuesday, December 4, 2007

I've been thinking a lot lately about a conversation I had with my husband and a friend a few weeks back. Talk of NYC led to the revelation of an interesting observation made recently by my mother in law. She had asked my husband if he felt I was at all different in LA. Not different in a hugely noticeable way - just a bit less...excited. My husband actually said to me, "Do you feel like you've lost any of your spark in LA?"

I sat in silence for a moment, pondering his inquiry.

Now, upon initial reading, some might take offense to this question. But it actually gave me a huge sense of relief, for I have felt ever so slightly different in LA from the moment I arrived. Initially, I chalked it up to the newness of the circumstances...moving to a new place at almost 28 (especially across the country) was daunting. Add the fact that I was moving without a job to be with a boy to whom I was not betrothed and mix well with a splash of neurotic Jewish nature and a dash of occasional anxiety. As you can imagine from this recipe, the transition was not an easy one. But I slowly settled in and got used to my new place of residence (which I still fear I will never call home) and patiently waited to, well, quite frankly feel like ME again. But three years and a few months later, I find myself still waiting...

At times I've wondered if its just that I've gotten older. Or if perhaps this "spark" that I felt I had was a figment of my imagination. I've wondered if that small feeling that I was special was pompous. I've thought about this intensely and frequently because I haven't been able to understand how a city can have the power to take that away from you. Could it actually be possible that New York City had the power to give me such a small but noticeable kick in my step?

So when it was said out loud - acknowledged by another person that I truly DID have that spark in New York and that I was just a little bit without it now...well...I felt relieved. I felt relieved to know that I hadn't been pompous or delusional - that it really was missing from me in LA. And FURTHER, it seemed that my husband had also noticed the fact that the second I stepped on Manhattan concrete, the zip was back in my step, the twinkle in my eye.

For the time being we're still in LA. Moving back exists only in discussions of what ifs and possibilities. Bit having the LA sparkless version of me acknowledged has made me ever so slightly more comfortable with it. Because at the end of the day, certain chemicals just don't create a spark. And while I seem to spark like a firecracker with New York City, my reaction to Los Angeles is just more mellow.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:55 PM 0 comments    

Labels: musings on life, NYC, west coast prejudice

Lighter with less
Monday, December 3, 2007

I've always wanted to be one of those completely self-motivated people. The ones who can just decide that they are going to do something and it gets done. It seems to me that for certain people there are never any excuses or overrides or not knowing how...ever. But that's not me and that's OK. I need a system or a regimen or guidelines of some sort.

About 2 months ago, I walked into Jamba juice after a yoga class and was looking through the books that you always look at while you wait for your Pomegranate Paradise but never actually buy. My eyes glazed over the normal selection about taking care of your body and eating wholesome foods. But then this book popped out at me - there was a white glow surrounding it and I swear - it floated off of the shelf and into my hands and led me up to the counter. That day I went home with my Pomegranate Paradise and a new book:Clear You Clutter with Feng Shui.

It took me a while to really get into the book. I was excited about the idea of it, but naturally, I decided that actually CLEARING my clutter couldn't happen until I'd read the book. What if I did it wrong? What if there was something more for me to learn? And if I didn't have time to sit down and read the book, how would I possibly be able to find the time to clear my clutter? See? No discipline.

But last week, on vacation, I finished the book (I even read some sections twice and if you happen to pick up this book, you'll see that it's small and maybe 125 pages - an outrageously easy read. So this "finishing of the book" was no great feat...I'm just good at making excuses.) And since I finished, I've been totally inspired. So I've gone on a rampage of the best possible kind. I'm getting rid of all the crap that's been sitting in my house, my life, for the past however many years untouched, unused, unworn. There are things that traveled 3000 miles across the country - from NY to LA, from my sublet to my apartment to my current home. They made the cut every time despite the fact that I hadn't used them in years. But no more. It's almost like I can see for the first time. I KNOW! It sounds totally dramatic but I'm telling you!!! All of a sudden I'm not screwing around - it's been easy. This stays, that goes...no second thoughts, no question.

Perhaps I just needed a few rules, a few guidelines to get me into a disciplined mode. I feel like a mad woman - as soon as one drawer or shelf is done, I'm eagerly searching for the next one to go through. I'm on a mission. Because I feel AMAZING. It's like everything I get rid of gives me more energy, makes me feel happier. (I know my father is reading this thinking I've totally lost it, but I'm telling you -- it's TRUE!!!!) It leaves room for me to appreciate the things that I truly want to have. And the truth is, why should any of us have anything in our lives other than what we TRULY want to have? I'd rather have two things I loooooooooove with all my heart and soul than 20 that are just ok. Isn't that how it works anyhow? You wear the things you love ALL the time while the rest sit in your closet, and occasionally get a glimpse of the outside world because you feel like you "should" wear it. So I've decided that my home, my life, should only be filled with things I love.

Isn't that how it should be?

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:42 PM 1 comments    

Labels: books, musings on life

An ode to Tennessee Williams
Friday, November 30, 2007

Last Wednesday night, I had a wonderful reminder that, in NYC, I can always depend on the kindness of strangers. Thank you Blanche Dubois.

I made the trek to Red Hook for a dinner party - my first (and possibly last) time to this part of Brooklyn and I'm sorry, but no, I do not see the charm even if there is a grand Fairway down the street. One of the major points of living in NYC is convenience and Red Hook may be many things but convenient is NOT one of them. As far as I'm concerned, if you're going to live in Red Hook, you might as well live in Los Angeles.

I will say that once there, I enjoyed a fabulous evening with wonderful friends and incredible food and far too much wine (not to mention a delicious Manhattan which I have taken up drinking in an homage to my hometown.) However, getting there was anything but easy. I'll happily take a subway somewhere (I love the subway but I'll save that for another day...) I'll even take two subways somewhere on occassion. But a subway, another subway and then a bus or a cab is asking a lot. A REAL lot.

That said, if it had simply been a simple subway ride, I wouldn't have been happily reminded of the fabulous kindness of New Yorkers. I got off my second subway and intended to take either the bus or a cab - whatever appeared first. Being that we were in Brooklyn, this was not necessarily a cab. I waited ten minutes by the bus stop and when a cab finally made an appearance, I hopped in. I gave the address where I was going, but instead of pulling away from the curb, the cabbie turned around and looked at me befuddled.

"You'll have to tell me how to get there."

I stared at him. That's the kind of thing a cab driver in LOS ANGELES SAYS. NOT NEW YORK CITY!

"Ummmm...I don't know how to get there. That's your job."

"Well, I don't know either."

I got out of the cab and went back to my spot on the sidewalk. Now I was fairly pissed. It was 7:15...I had gotten on the subway at 6. That's far too long to take to get anywhere in New York. But at that moment, I got reminded of just how awesome New Yorkers are. In a matter of seconds, I had three people who had noticed I'd gotten in and out of the cab and were asking me if I needed help, where I was going, etc. They were all equally as disgusted with the cab driver for me and as helpful as they could be in telling me that the bus should be there shortly.

One of the guys was going to the general area I was going to and we waited together for another 10 minutes before the bus arrived. He told me about Red Hook and agreed that it was ridiculously tedious to get to. I thought of how Kate had always refused to come to Park Slope from the West Village when I lived there many moons ago - a mere 25 minute ride (and one subway I might add.) I thought about how she should know just how much I loved her for trekking all the fuck the way out there on my one and only evening in NYC. And then the bus came.

It was only then that I looked at my single ride metro card and realized that for some ridiculous and unknown reason, I could not use this card for a bus transfer. I could literally only use it for a single ride. This hardly seemed reasonable given that if I had a regular metro card, my same $2 would have gotten me on a subway then a bus and if I needed to, another bus again (which apparently, is only necessary if you live in Red Hook.) But it was true. And there it was in front of me...the bus that I'd now waited over 25 minutes for.

"Oh shit." I said. Out loud.

My new friend looked over and asked what was wrong. I explained the ridiculous situation I had gotten myself into and said that it must be my punishment for no longer living in NYC and owning a weekly unlimited metro card. He smiled warmly, and offered me a ride.

"Really?" I said, simply delighted by the man standing next to me. The stranger. The kind, kind stranger.

"Of course," he said. "You have to get there somehow and you aren't waiting for another bus. Come on. I get off at the same stop so I'll tell you when to get off."

I practically floated onto the bus. I was overjoyed by the sweetness of this man. I smiled at him. I couldn't possibly explain to him the feeling that I had from his acts of kindness. I felt mildly overwhelmed. And touched. And...well...I felt at home. New Yorkers take care of each other - whether strangers or friends. They are happy to help.

I don't know whether Angelenos do or do not have this capacity. The reason I do not know this is that I so rarely have the opportunity to come into contact with Angeleno strangers...Everyone is so separated and to themselves and in...cars. It's one of the things I miss most about New York - that ability to be with people, to experience human nature, to feed off of energy on a daily basis. And in my short visit to NYC, I got a full dose on my trip to Red Hook.

I invited my new friend to come to dinner. He smiled and laughed. I was serious but he had a friend to meet at home. He told me when to get off and we parted ways into the unseasonably warm November evening. I jaunted down the road to Kate's apartment. All of my annoyance at having to take a two hour trip to Red Hook was gone. All due to the kindness of a stranger...

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:50 PM 0 comments    

Labels: NYC

Hitting the slopes
Thursday, November 29, 2007

Modesty is overrated. Besides, when it's pertaining to someone other than yourself, you're allowed to brag - right?

This January, I'll be hitting the slopes in Park City, Utah. Why, you ask? Have I moved on from television to film? No. I'm interested in checking out the scene? Nope. Perhaps I just want to get a little skiing in and Utah is closer than Vermont? Not that either.

I'm going to Park City for the Sundance Film Festival for the premiere of a movie called Momma's Man starring...MY HUSBAND!

YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Sometimes life is just grand. And in those grand moments, I love sharing my excitement. We've known for over a week but now we get to shout if off the rooftops since it's been announced to the world. So I'm shouting, baby.

You can expect more displays lacking modesty after I'm actually there and see the movie but for the moment, I'm done. For the moment.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 5:31 PM 1 comments    

Labels: family, the industry

I'm baaaaaaack

I'm back and there are many, MANY things to discuss upon my return - so much so that I am mildly overwhelmed by where I should begin. There's too much to put all in one post so I'll start with the basics...

Puerto Rico was lovely and tropical, relaxing and refreshing. While it wasn't my favorite tropical destination, I'm hard up to knock any place with gorgeous turquoise waters and the sound of the waves hitting the sand. I slept a lot, read a lot and swam in the salty blue sea. It was fabulous and I think we should all take more vacations more often. It gives the brain time to rest and to fully appreciate what life is about.

Of course I am now suffering from back pain from the 8+ hours of flying that we did on the way back. If there's any way to undo all the good a vacation does for your physical body, it's to get on a freaking airplane. And here's another of course - if we lived in NYC, then the flight would be a mere 3.5 hours (not to mention direct) as opposed to the 2 flights we had to take totally 10 hours if you include our layover time. I can find 50 million things wrong with LAX not the least of which is the fact that every other airport seems to have the ability to get our luggage out within 20 minutes of landing but we inevitably end up waiting 45 minutes at LAX every time we have to check luggage (some of which they lost and when found, took it upon themselves to deliver to us at 3:30 in the freaking morning.)

And now I'm back at work - sans the work since there's very much still a writer's strike going on. I'm headed to the Grove for lunch where the gargantuan Christmas tree will have to do as a sorry substitute for Rockefeller Center. And as I walk over without a coat, I'll wish I had a reason to wear a scarf and a hat...

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 12:09 PM 0 comments    

Labels: random thoughts, west coast prejudice

Happy Thanksgiving
Thursday, November 22, 2007

We are in New York for Thanksgiving and I am home. I feel it every time and it never ceases to amaze me...the connection I feel as soon as I fly into JFK. I feel at home. It has been far too short but wonderful nonetheless. Filled with the Hudson River and the subway and Manhattan and adventures in Brooklyn and car services and wine and fabulous food and family and friends and laughter and warmth and love. All in just 24 hours. I am thankful for many, many things not the least of which is my readers who let me know that my writing effects their lives. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday filled with all of the above and more.

I'm off to Puerto Rico. Have a fantastic week.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 6:24 PM 3 comments    

Chutzpah
Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I hate when books end. And generally that applies to one that I love so much that I can't put it down - which inevitably lead me closer and closer to the book ending. It's a vicious cycle.

I used to read all the time as a little girl and the NY subways brought me back to books after my college years (in which I only read plays and textbooks and labels on wine bottles.) I would look forward to my time on the train to get through that next chapter. But then I moved to LA and had to drive. And I don't think I picked up a book for the first year and a half that I lived in LA. I watched more tv and I was reading so many freaking scripts all the time that I never wanted to come home and quietly open a book. Foolish girl. A book is not a script. A book is an escape into another world. It's an intimate introduction to a total stranger.

Last night I finished Julie and Julia. Quite simply this is a story of a girl with chutzpah. I am totally enamored of this Julie. Julie was a secretary at a government agency in Manhattan. Her days droned on and she was, for all intents and purposes, miserable. Until she decided that she was going to cook her way through Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking in a year. Every day she cooked. In 365 days she made all 524 recipes. She made kidneys and sweet breads and dishes with bone marrow. She killed a live lobster herself exactly as Julia instructs even though the idea of it made her want to quit the project completely. She did it all - the whole damn book - and she blogged about it the entire time. And all of a sudden Julie found herself a celebrity of the blogosphere. She got interviewed by all sorts of people and she got recognized on the street and she found herself with a book deal which I, for one, am immensley grateful for because otherwise I never would have known about the Julie/Julia project. After I finished the book (and of course I cried and I'm not even completely sure why...I think I was proud of her and enamored with her and inspired by her and saw pieces of myself in her) I went online to check out her blog. And I have to say, this Julie character should have NEVER been a secretary in a government agency. This girl is SO CLEARLY a writer that it made my head spin. She just didn't know what she was supposed to do with herself until she did it. And even then she was shocked that it was the answer. Or rather, an answer. She's a writer! She's smart and she's funny and she uses words that I didn't even know existed...and I'm just taken with Julie. She did it. She took lemons and without even realizing it, she made lemonade just by having the tenacity to take on a project and take it on with every ounce of her being. Chutzpah.

Inspiring. I love reading.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 12:13 PM 1 comments    

Labels: books

Brentwood
Monday, November 19, 2007

If I stay in LA, I've decided this is where I want to live. I'm totally in love with Brentwood. It's walkable and full of great little shops and restaurants...it feels neighborhoody. It feels urbanly suburban. Brentwood feels good. The air feels a little fresher. The houses are lovely. I'm feeling really into Brentwood.

I started the morning with a walk with an old friend. We walked through quiet streets by great houses all different in their architecture. Cactuses on some lawns and gorgeous flowers on others. I could sit and look at houses all day. I like to make up stories about who's inside and how it's decorated. I wish sometimes that I could go in because they rarely look the way you imagine. It's alway interesting when there's some kind of statue or sculpture that's totally out of place with what the rest of the house looks like.

Eventually we made our way to Starbucks. If both of us weren't on shopping diets (a term I sadly can't take credit for...all credit goes to Amy for that one) we could have stopped in every store along the way and we managed to drool over a few windows as it was. We enjoyed piping hot peppermint mochas (my favorite thing about this time of year. Yes. I'm serious) and wound through the farmer's market until we ended up back at her house. The best part of the whole thing was, of course, the company. Being with someone who knows exactly what to say, who can sympathize and empathize and understands you so completely - and similarly, feels that I can do the same for her...that was the best part. But I couldn't help but be enthralled with my surroundings as well.

It was just a fluke that as I got in my car to leave, I got a phone call from my husband saying that he was also in Brentwood. I think that as long as I have lived in LA, I have been to Brentwood with my husband a handful of times and all of them were at the home of the friend that I walked with. But here he was, on this Sunday afternoon, sitting with some friends in Brentwood at NY Bagel. (I can't review NY Bagel because I didn't eat, but I promise I'll go back and let you know if it lives up to it's name.) So I shot over to NY Bagel and spent an hour outside laughing with friends.

Next, we were off to the dog park where the aforementioned Thursday played with her best friend, puggle Sophie, and they both made a new friend in adorable 6 month-old Brody. If I were a better blogger, I would have had my camera - but alas, I am not. LOVED the Brentwood dog park - it was our first time there and now that it's a 20 minute drive from our house to the Laurel Canyon dog park, Brentwood's not that much further. I highly recommend for those of you that are dog owners.

I think I could spend more time in Brentwood. A lot more time. And I'm not making any grand statements, but when it's next time for us to move, I think perhaps we may start looking a little bit west. (Unless of course we look reaaaaaaaaaally far east...to a neighborhood called the West Village. A girl can dream...can't she?)

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:30 PM 0 comments    

Labels: neighborhoods

The temple within
Sunday, November 18, 2007

I can feel the breath moving from the top of my head all the way down through my spine. I can feel my back lengthening, making me two inches taller than I was before. I love the strength of my arms as they take on the entire weight of my body, lowering gently to the floor. The breath rushes through me providing a high no drugs or alcohol could ever compete with. My back arches deeply and I feel alive.

In this moment, I am keenly aware that I can do anything, overcome any fear, any problem - that everything I could ever possibly need to live a full life is on the mat with me. My mind empties and listens only to the sound of the deep inhale and exhale - like a sweet song. As the dance continues I have moments of thoughts:

Will the strike get settled when they sit down in a week? Inhale, exhale. So hum - I am truth.

We will name our first child after both of our mother's mothers. The child will have their spirit, their souls. Inhale, exhale. So hum - I am truth...

I was supposed to call Sandy at 5 PM. Shit. Inhale, exhale...

It has been in interesting and crazy year...a year of many lessons. So hum, so hum...

My yoga practice is an interesting jumping point for a book. Inhale...

My hips are still so tight...inhale, exhale.

I can't wait for Sharon's visit...inhale...so hum.

I loved this day...inhale, exhale.
I loved this day..stay in this moment....

And again, I clear my brain. I feel the breath coursing through me. I feel the sweat drip down my back as my body temperature rises and my limbs flow from movement to movement. I feel the resistance in moments of difficulty. My body reminds me that it can move through. It reminds me that moving through the difficult poses will make me stronger. That moving through the difficult moments will make me stronger. My body reminds me that it is strong. My body reminds me that I can handle anything that comes my way.

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. "So hum" I sing in my head. I am truth. Truth is my name.

I dance the dance, slowly, beautifully, drawing on the energy of those in my presence. Strangers whose energy fills me up and propels me forward when I am uncertain that I can propel myself. And I know that I too have given them the energy in moments when they were lacking...What a gift we have to give energy to others and to rely on it from them when we are in moments of need.

Inhale, exhale. My body feels strong, my mind feels wise. I am one with myself for a moment and I am reminded of the beauty within.

Inhale, exhale. Inhale...

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:15 PM 0 comments    

Labels: conscious living, musings on life, yoga

Thursday
Friday, November 16, 2007

I love my dog. I love her more than I ever realized I could love an animal. I love her as much as most people in my life and more than some. I love the way she jumps up to greet me when I get home- running to the door, tail wagging fiercely. I love the way she stretches into downward dog, her little arched bag stretching as far as it can possibly go. I love the way she burrows under the covers and curls into my side. She needs to find the perfect position - she never flops down...she always makes sure that she moves in just so. And the way that she crawls up next to me and lays her head down on my shoulder. I love her little body, her single while paw, the little white dot in the nape of her neck. I love that she turns little dog dis-likers into little dog lovers.

She's a golden retriever in the body of a chihuahua. She's intuitive - insanely intuitive. She knows when something is wrong and she kisses you to make it better. She crawls up on my belly and kisses away my tears until the only thing I can possibly do is smile and be in love with her no matter what else is going on.
I fell in love with her the second we saw her tucked behind a tire in the parking lot in Hollywood. We turned on the headlights and there she was - her itty bitty head peering out from behind. She leaped into his arms like she knew she was home...and that night, all 5 pounds of her slept curled in a little ball on a pillow.

She smiles - you can see it in her eyes when she smiles. And she nudges me gently awake in the morning to let me know it's time to go out. I love our morning walks together...She makes me laugh first thing in the morning. There's no better gift than that.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:53 PM 3 comments    

Labels: musings on life

new and unknown
Thursday, November 15, 2007

Next week I go "home" for Thanksgiving. But not to my childhood home...to my husband's parent's home. This is a first for me. The transition may be slightly easier because my parents have chosen to come to New York to be with us and with my sister. Still, it's hard. I'll miss not being in their house and doing our traditional Thanksgiving things. I'll miss seeing our extended family as I have every Thanksgiving for the past 32 years. I'll miss the annual trip to Saks the day after Thanksgiving with my mom - up at the crack of dawn to arrive at Saks by 8 AM to get the additional 40% off and beat the crowds for the best selection. I'll miss my father's fires. I'll miss seeing my childhood friends and reminiscing about high school, catching up on what's new, and talking about Kelly's new baby on the way. I'll miss my father's fantabulous breakfasts that wake me with their smell. It's one of my favorite times of year. There's something comforting in knowing exactly how things will be, exactly how things will go. It's hard to let go of some of your old traditions - even for just a year. It's hard to do something new. It's hard to give up "yours".

But I'm still looking forward to Thanksgiving. It is still Thanksgiving after all.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:19 PM 1 comments    

Labels: family, life lessons

History
Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I had an interesting conversation with someone yesterday. She also used to live in NYC and now lives in LA. Unlike me, she can't fathom going back. Her entire family is there - no matter. And when I asked about all her close friends from NY, her response was, "Yeah - I don't really miss them. I just made new best friends. I talk to my friends back east now and they always yell at me because we never talk. But I've moved on."

Huh. Interesting.

Moved on? I can't fathom the idea of not talking to my friends in NYC. I can't imagine replacing the friendships I've had for 10, 15, 30 years with new ones. Gaining new friends? Absolutely. Just forgetting the old ones? Are you freaking kidding me? That's my HISTORY. Those people are part of who I am. I can't even compreHEND the idea of not missing my friends in NYC. I wanted to question whether or not she actually had really good friends in NYC because if she did, then how the hell could they be replaceable? I, of course, did not ask this question. It was interesting to me that this person has adapted to Los Angeles so easily. I feel like that sort of laissez faire attitude fits perfectly into LA. And so does she.

There was a part of me that was mildly envious of her ability to pick up her life, transport it here and start anew. To create a new core group of friends so much so that she felt she wasn't missing anything. I'm sure if I didn't miss the people back east so much, I would be able to adapt myself to Los Angeles more. I would undoubtedly still miss New York itself - the energy, the hustle and bustle, the culture, the (and I know some of you will laugh at this description, but for me, it holds so much truth) ease. But it would be easier for me if I didn't love so many people there.

But I do. And they are people that I would never want to "give up" or "find new ones" of. They are irreplaceable. So while I slowly but surely make some new friends out here, they are just that - new. They are not a replacement of anything. And if we find that we like each other well enough to maintain our relationships then we, too, will begin a history. But we'll never replace my old ones.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:33 AM 2 comments    

Labels: friends, homesick, moving to LA

The Weekend in Food
Monday, November 12, 2007

We ate this weekend. A lot. (Possibly because we'll now be eating PB & J alternating with ramen noodles until this strike is over...but we'll discuss that later.) My father looked at me at dinner at A.O.C last night and said "You keep saying there aren't good restaurants in LA but if that's the case, then how are we eating so well?"

Let me clarify. There are some great restaurants in Los Angeles. I'm just a spoiled New York foodie. I'm used to having a choice of 10 restaurants in different price ranges all within a one block radius. But whatever - you know why I miss NYC and my restaurants there...for now, let's discuss the terrific meals I had this weekend.

Friday night- 7:30 reservation at Osteria Mozza
This is Mario Batali's newest addition to the LA restaurant scene and it might be the best restaurant I've eaten at in Los Angeles. It was divine. The main dining room is definitely on the noisy side but there's great energy and a FANTASTIC bar. We sat in much smaller and intimate back room - it's significantly quieter which is nice when you're looking to have conversation. The waitress was adorable and oh, so helpful. There are definitely items on the menu that needed deciphering and she was patient and helpful as I bombarded her with questions, all the while butchering my Italian.

We started with the grilled octopus, the little gem salad, and two selections from the mozzarella bar - one was burrata with caramelized onions and bacon and the other was burricota with artichokes and mint pesto. Every single item was better than the next. The octopus was unbelievable - I'm not always a fan but it was perfectly tender and grilled just right.

We decided to have four pasta dishes and share. We ordered a butternut squash stuffed something (this is why I'm not a food critic - I can't remember the name of every pasta...but I know it wasn't ravioli) with hazelnuts in a brown butter sauce of sorts which was richly delectable. There was a ricotta and egg ravioli - a single, huge ravioli sitting in perfectly browned butter and sage and when you cracked into the ravioli, the egg oozed beautifully from the center. Divine. The table favorite was the spaghetti with sweet tomatoes and garlic breadcrumbs. The tomato sauce was so sweet and unusual and of course, the spaghetti was perfectly al dente. Lastly, we had the Garganelli w/ ragu bolognese - a proper chunky bolognese with the perfect amount of tomato.

My mother looked at me like I had ten heads when I said I was ordering dessert...but with a meal like that, most foodies would look at me with ten heads if I skipped dessert. We sadly only ordered one - the rosemary cakes with the olive oil ice cream and my dream of a dessert - the perfect blend of salty sweet.

The wine list is fantastic and extensive. We opted for quartinos (250 ml servings) rather than bottles so that we could taste different things. My father had the lighter Dolcetta and I started with a glass of Prosecco and then went for the Aglianico - a wine I'd never tried before with a lovely medium body and a rich nose.

It was a phenomenal dining experience and shockingly, one that was not outrageously priced...I can't wait to go back to try more.

Saturday evening we went more casual at Blair's in Silverlake. This was my second outing to Blair's and while the food was just as delicious the second time, I felt we were a little rushed and the waitstaff was a little frazzled. I've been told before that for some, the biggest dining discrepancy from coast to coast is the waitstaff and I have to say that our experience at Blair's backed that up. I'll chock it up to a bad night though...

The food was phenomenal both times I was there. It's a terrific new American menu that uses seasonal items. Don't miss the chopped and caesar salads or the truffled mac and cheese. And I never order chicken when I'm out to dinner, but this organic chicken is fantastic. Everything we had was delicious and they have an incredibly extensive list of beers on tap and by the bottle...I would absolutely return.

Brunch on Sunday was at Campanile. Believe it or not, this was my first foray into this fantastic restaurant in my three years in LA. I walked in and immediately felt at home. Most brunches in LA are infused with long waits and hipsters dressed down on purpose with perfectly places bra-straps hanging out and labored over bed head. Not Campanile. Campanile is classy AND delicious. I had tastes of the following:

• a pastry basked that included an apple turnover that could almost rival my grandmother's apple pie. Almost.
• eggs in a hole in rustic olive bread with potatoes and extra crispy (which we asked for and they executed perfectly) applewood smoked bacon.
• scrambled eggs (the way they do them at Pastis which are my favorite scrambled eggs in all of Manhattan) with buttered french baguette toast and creamed spinach
• sourdough french toast with real maple syrup.

Yum. Prices were perfectly in line with Manhattan brunch prices and while entrees may be a few dollars more than Doughboys or Toast, it's well worth every penny.

Laaaaaaaastly - Sunday night was AOC. I haven't been in ages and it was just as good as I remembered. Obviously I like to "taste" and this is the perfect place to do just that. We had 2 incredible wines courtesy of their carafes which are less than a bottle but more than a glass - a Pinot Noir/Syray blend and a straight up Syrah. We started with parmesan stuffed bacon wrapped dates and a cheese plate. I like AOC's cheese plate but after BLD's, it's a little disappointing sans accoutrement like the incredible breads and fruit pastes. We had a beet salad with fried chick peas and feta that was outrageous. And I don't like smoked trout but the rest at the table agreed that it was fabulous. The arroz negro with squid was a disappointment - it was insanely fishy and the explanation was that it was made with fish stock but I can't imagine anyone enjoying a flavor that fishy. That said, the waiter was lovely and gracious and promptly removed it from both the table and the bill. The skirt steak with roquefort butter was just that...like buttah. My favorite dish of the evening. We also ordered brussel sprouts in balsamic and pancetta and chanterelles with ricotta gnocchi. Both were good, but not fantastic. We had also ordered a braised chicken with calvados and apples but about 15 minutes after our last dishes had been cleared it still wasn't at the table and we were STUFFED. I'm sure there was some mistake - we asked them to cancel it and while I'm sure it was being made, they did without question.

As an aside - we were told to order 10 plates for 4 of us...and since we only ordered 9 and sent 2 back virtually untouched, I can tell you that this was WAY excessive. They tell you to order everything at once but I'd opt for less is more and ordering more if you're still hungry. Just my two cents. I like AOC alot - but I have to say, I don't loooooooove it. I always have a couple outstanding things - and the rest are just good. I'll go back because I like the vibe and the wine and the cheese. But it's not at the top of my list. I much prefer Suzanne Goin's other restaurant, Lucques. We'll go there next time parents are here.

Obviously I'm stuffed and will be eating kale for the next week.

Osteria Mozza, 641 North Highland Avenue, 323-297-0101 www.mozza-la.com
Blair's, 2903 Rowena Avenue, 323-660-1882, www.blairsrestaurant.com
Campanile, 624 South La Brea, 323-938-2447, www.campanilerestaurant.com
AOC, 8022 West 3rd Street, 323-653-6359, www.aocwinebar.com

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:22 PM 0 comments    

Labels: food and drink

Swimming Upstream
Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sometimes it feels as though there's nothing else to do but swim slowly and painstakingly upstream. The shore is there...you could get out...but you'll never know if you could have made it all the way. So you keep on swimming - no matter how hard the tide, no matter how exhausted you get, no matter how much you want to stop. You keep on swimming...because at a certain point it has to get easier. Doesn't it?

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:26 PM 0 comments    

Labels: musings on life, random thoughts

Lessons & reflections from my 31st year
Friday, November 9, 2007

As I head into 32, some of the things I've learned, seen, and experienced in the last year - some for the first time and some all over again:

Life ebbs and flows and ebbs and flows and ebbs again. We'd all rather be in the flow, but we'd never recognize it's value or learn without the ebb.

Patience is a virtue. Rome wasn't built in a day. Keep going for it if you believe in it, if you're passionate about it. And if you can't tell, then start actually consider moving forward on to something new...if you miss it before you've left, then you'll know it's not time yet.

Live in the now before the now is the was.

Weddings bring out the best and the worst in people. You get to see people's true colors. Some of them are the most beautiful colors of the rainbow and others are murky, cloudy brown.

There are some days, some moments that will be the best of your life - surrounded by the people that you love the most and full of life and love. Treasure them. Be grateful when they are your moments and be present of how important and what a gift it is to be part of others moments.

No one ever dies in your heart or your memory.

You are never handed anything that you can't deal with. You are always strong enough to get through. Always.

Italy is a place of magic, love, spirit, and fantastic arugula.

Movies and TV can really screw you up. They aren't real life but we've seen so much that we sometimes think that's how it's all supposed to look or turn out. Real life is real life. And real life is good.

Compassion and the ability to forgive are two of the most important skills to have. We all make mistakes and we all inadvertently hurt people. Next time you're the one who's upset, just remember that you've mistakenly hurt someone's feelings too. And that goes for yourself too. Don't be so damn hard on you. You deserve compassion and forgiveness too. There are no mistake that can't be fixed with a little time and effort.

Champagne should not be saved for special occasions.

Listen with an open heart. And just listen while you are listening. Don't think about what you're going to say when the person is done talking. That's thinking - not listening. You'll say something a lot smarter when the other person is done if you really listen. I'm still working on this one.

Life's too short to live in "what if". If you want to, then do. It's also too short to live in regrets. What's done is done...now move forward.

Unless it's naturally that way, don't eat fat free. It tastes so much better when it's real.

Yoga is not an option for me...it's a necessity.

It's OK to not like certain people that you feel like you're supposed to like.

You can't please everyone all the time. The most important person to please is yourself.

I love my girlfriends. I love the relationships that I know I will have forever - that will ebb and flow and ebb again...but will always return back to the flow. Time spent with good girlfriends is always time well spent. It's imperative to my happiness.

Family is important. Communication in family is important. Forgiveness in family is important.

Sometimes it's really good to quiet down inside your own head.

Your road is your own.

Dancing is really good for your spirit.

I can't control much in life. No one can. And that's just the way it is.

Embrace your strengths and acknowledge your weaknesses and be aware of who you are. The whole kit and caboodle.

Ice cream will always put a smile on your face.

Accept change. It's going to happen whether you like it or not - it will be a lot easier if you can acknowledge it it and look forward to a new part of the journey.

Make good, direct eye contact. It exudes confidence. If you're not feeling confident, fake it. Eventually it will feel natural.

My 31st year was full of ups and downs and laughter and tears and celebrations and losses and firsts and lasts. It was a big year. And I look forward to this 32nd year a little older and, I hope, a little wiser too.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:23 PM 1 comments    

Labels: lists, musings on life

Strike this
Thursday, November 8, 2007

I know that the Writer's Guild strike is merely news to many of my non-Angeleno counterparts. But here in LA, it's affecting everyone's day to day everything...The overall mood in Los Angeles is one of anxiety. There is tremendous unknown right now and I'm sure the prescriptions for Valium and Xanax at least doubled this past week.

Several people have asked me what the strike is about. I could break it down for you, but a blog called United Hollywood has done it way better than I ever could. Click here to understand and keep in mind this is from the writer's point of view.

When not picketing, my husband is making you tube videos that star my fabulous puppy, Thursday (among others...but she's the most important) Click below for some "strike"-ing entertainment. Wow. That was really bad...




But the thing that I'm really wondering as I have to drive through one of the milder picket lines every day is why can't this get worked out civilly? I'm sure many would say I'm naive - that if it could have, it would have. But I still wonder. The truth is - everyone fighting needs each other. The moguls would be nothing without the creativity of the writers. And the writers wouldn't have a commercial outlet if it weren't for the huge corporate conglomerates. (Sure, they can put on plays and create their own stuff...but they'd all be lying if they said they didn't care about the basics of health insurance and paychecks.) Everyone is so angry and people are lying and there are double standards going on all around.

All I'm saying is that it sucks. Plain and simply sucks.

Oh - and we ate at BLD last night. It was really good. It's actually gotten better than it used to be. And their fruit and nut bread that they serve with the cheese plate is amazing. They have a pretty amazing cheese plate. And I love cheese. LOVE. BLD was good. I like it. I approve. Over and out.

BLD, 7540 Beverly Blvd. 323-930-9744, open for breakfast (that's the B), lunch (that's the L) and dinner...you get it...7 days a week.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:00 PM 1 comments    

Labels: food and drink, the industry

Osteria La Buca
Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Yum. My mouth was happy which is appropriate for a place named Buca which means mouth in Italian.

Last night we had a fabulously delicious dinner at a little Italian restaurant on Melrose. The pastas are all homemade and they are Divine. And I meant that capital D. We started with an arugula salad with mushrooms and shredded parmesan in a lemon vinaigrette. (My husband makes fun of me because I remember every single ingredient of the food that we eat...but you're happy about it, aren't you?) Arugula was my favorite food in Italy - it was so fresh and complex and spicy. And while this was no Italy, this arugula did NOT disappoint. The three of us shared our entrees - a margherita pizza, linguine carbonara, and ricotta and spinach ravioli in a butter and sage sauce. It took what felt like FOREVER for our entrees to arrive but thankfully, I was in company that I enjoy so I happily polished off my lovely glass of Montepulciano and ordered another one.

And the entrees were worth the wait. The pizza was my favorite- a perfectly thin crust with delicious tomato sauce and just the right amount of cheese. I wouldn't have minded it a little more crispy but we'd already waited long enough. The carbonara was rich and delicious although next time I would ask to have the pancetta well done - I love when it pops in my mouth. The ravioli was light and lovely- rather than the common ravioli filled with ricotta with a little spinach mixed in, this was chock-full of spinach and a nice change from the norm. I would have been happy ordering almost anything on the menu and I look forward to a return visit to try everything that I wasn't able to this go around.

While we had a reservation, we opted to sit at the bar because when we arrived, there weren't any tables downstairs available. The downstairs had a warm, cozy feeling with great energy and great light. But when we were taken upstairs to see if we wanted a table there, it was cold and empty and literally felt like a different restaurant. The mistake was in closing the upstairs off from the downstairs with a large pane of glass. You can see down, but the flow of energy is completely cut off - you can't hear the chatter or feel the warmth and while people who came after us opted to sit up there, I would highly recommend asking for a table downstairs or sitting at the bar.

A lovely evening was had by all. I'm sure you're happy that you don't have to hear me bitch and moan.

After reading my post yesterday, Tracey suggested Table 8 and I must say that I've had disappointing experiences at both Table 8 and at Jar. (and a fellow NY foodie friend ate at Table 8 on a visit and felt similarly...so maybe it's just us New Yorkers.) My feeling about both of these restaurants is that there's a lot of hype for little reason. The food is fine but it's quite expensive for just fine...There's nothing spectacular about the menu or the flavors (and I've found Jar to be sort of snooty if you ask me...Don't bring onion rings to the table next to me and then when we ask for them tell me they're for VIP's only. I worked for Danny Meyer and I will tell you that does not fall into the category of hospitality or soignee service!!!!) But I'm still on my quest to find those restaurants that put a glimmer of hope into the LA food scene. It gives me something to focus on other than the fact that I have to drive through a picket line every morning.

Osteria La Buca, 5210 1/1 Melrose Avenue, Hollywood, CA (323) 462-1900
open for lunch Monday through Friday and dinner seven nights a week

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:32 PM 0 comments    

Labels: food and drink

Eh - like a disgruntled old Jewish man
Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I've noticed a lot of new restaurant facades popping up around these parts. I'm very curious to see what becomes of these places. As of late, I've had more than my fair share of conversations regarding the Los Angeles restaurant scene. As a lover of food and wine, I've found the dining experience in Los Angeles to be mostly mediocre at best. I suppose it's inspired me to spend more time in the kitchen but when you work from 9-7 and even later on some days, it's nice to have an old standby of a restaurant that you can rely on to serve you really good, cheap food with a glass of wine. I had several of those in NYC but alas, I've yet to find my Malatesta Trattoria, my Tartine, my Cafes Habana and Gitane... In recent conversations with Los Angeles transplants, I've found that I'm not alone in my feelings. There seems to be a general feeling that the cities of New York, Chicago, San Fransisco - even Boston - are more cutting edge, have far finer service (even in the holes in the walls), have better value and plain and simply just have better food than Los Angeles.

That said, we have parents in town for the next several days and I'll be eating at some of the places I've been wanting to try as well as a few of my old favorites. I suppose I'll be having a "restaurant week" of my own for the next several days...Tonight we're dining at Osteria La Buca - an Italian place that's fairly far east on Melrose and I'll report back in full tomorrow.

But before we deal with tonight, I need to discuss my disappointing dinner last night. Pane e Vino in Los Angeles is just plain bad. I've been to Pane e Vino in Montecito and it's delicious - although I suppose when Oprah frequents your place, you need to step it up a notch. (Although I believe that they started out under the same owner but aren't owned by the same people any longer.)

Not only is the food at Pane e Vino LA mediocre, it's also expensive! If you're going to charge $10 for a mixed green salad with Parmesan, it damned-well better be Parmigiano-Reggiano freshly shaved on the top of my mixed greens...not a spoonful of grated Parmesan that looks like it came fresh out of the green metallic Kraft canister. I probably don't need to elaborate anymore but I will, lest you should think that this is only one item on the menu and the rest must be good...

I tasted everything ordered at the table. I, myself, got a mixed greens salad with smoked chicken in a gorgonzola vinaigrette. The nicest thing I can say about this special is that it was fine. I believe the waitress told me the chicken was grilled because I'm not a huge fan of the smoked chicken but it's possible my mind was in other places. Still - it was literally mixed greens with smoked chicken and gorgonzola. There are SO many delicious things that go with gorgonzola in a salad. They failed to include even one of them. It seems to me that if you're going to have a "special" on the menu then you should probably try to make it SPECIAL.

One of our friends ordered the mixed vegetables cooked in the clay pot. After a few bites, she added several fistfuls of Parmesan cheese hoping to add a flavor- any flavor. My husband asked them to refill the Parmesan cheese so that he could add a bit of flavor to his rigatoni al pomodoro e basilico. If an Italian restaurant can't make a good pasta in a tomato and basil sauce, you know you're in trouble. Showering his pasta in a bowl of Parmesan and red pepper flakes didn't make up for the fact that the pasta was sort of mushy and the sauce lacked any sort of fresh taste. I could have made a box of Bertelli and thrown on some Trader Joe's Pomodoro sauce with some freshly shredded Parmesan and it would have tasted better. (I probably could have dropped it on the floor and it would have tasted better...)

I sat in the pretty garden (essentially the one and only thing going for this place) and thought about how it would have never lasted in NYC. I thought longingly about Malatesta Trattoria and Piadina and Frank where I could get the same thing for half the price and ten thousand times more deliciousness. I wonder why anyone in their right mind goes to Pane e Vino. It should be called Pane eh Vino.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:07 PM 1 comments    

Labels: food and drink

A place where you don't need to get validated
Monday, November 5, 2007

I had breakfast with a good friend from NYC last week. Her husband was here for business and she and her son tagged along to see some friends and get some fall sun. We had breakfast at their hotel and on the way out, I got my parking validated. Thinking in my normal "New York or LA" manner, I laughed. "Of course I have to get validated in LA."

She pointed out that you need to get validated for parking in many cities...but she echoed the sentiment moments later. She mentioned that her husband had been looking at some potential jobs in Los Angeles while they were here this week - but after spending the week here, she just felt like she wouldn't be happy in LA.

"Forget the fact that it's so spread out. Everything - I mean everything - just feels so material. Everyone is in their fancy cars with their insanely big houses. And I can't imagine sending my kids to school here. And it's all about seeing and being seen. I'd feel so much pressure here. And I have some great, great, girlfriends here...but I still don't think I'd be happy."

This was her impression after a mere 5 days in this place. She, too, felt that inherent to Los Angeles is the need to feel validated in a way that doesn't exist in New York or Chicago or many other cities.

Perhaps this is not true for everyone who lives here. And I think there are probably many who enjoy this aspect of Los Angeles. But there does seem to be this constant buzz of who you know, what you do, where you were last night and with whom and it sort of makes you want to crawl into a hole and hide and remind everyone that it's the journey, not the destination...that there's nothing more valuable than love and kindness. And I know I sound cliche, but I think a lot of people out here forget the importance in just being warm and loving and kind.

Why does everyone out here care so much about everyone else? And you could turn around and point this question directly back at me. You could tell me that the issue is my own. You could ask me why I feel like I need to be validated. You could say to me, "But Michelle...if you don't care, then why does this bother you so much?" You could tell me that if I'm truly secure in who I am, then outside validation is bunk anyhow.

And you'd be right on all accounts. These are all good and true points. They are questions that I have often asked myself since I settled down in this City of Angels. And I did occasionally have these feelings when I lived in New York. I think the need for occasional validation is human. But since I moved to Los Angeles, I have felt it more and more - at times to an uncomfortable extent. And I've searched more and more for my own sense of peace, my own validation...so that when I feel something other than that from someone I know or someone I meet, I can simply brush it off without paying it any heed. I haven't gotten there yet - but I'm working on it.

My friend that I had this conversation with - she is one of the most confident and grounded young women I know. I have often admired her self-assuredness. And so in that moment, it felt good that another confident, secure young woman saw exactly what I see and knew that she would struggle with exactly what I struggle with here in LA. In that moment, I felt validated.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:05 PM 0 comments    

Labels: life lessons, moving to LA

Random thoughts
Sunday, November 4, 2007

I've now started (and not finished) three posts. My mind is in several other places and none of them are here, in Los Angeles, sitting in front of the computer. I'm scattered and I'm going to go with it...

Tomorrow morning I'll have to drive through a picket line. I'm not sure if the picketer's signs will say anything because, after all, they're not supposed to write.

I had far too much wine last night at a gluttonous dinner and woke up with a bit of a hangover. For a long time I felt upset that my body couldn't handle what it used to because it was a function of getting older. But now I feel grateful that my body is older...older and wiser. But I wouldn't have done anything differently last night - how do you turn down wine pairings with an outrageous nine course tasting menu - at a friend's HOME? You don't.

Village Pizza's not as good as it used to be.

I am sort of happy about daylight savings although it felt like it was 10 PM at 6 PM tonight. But I am looking forward to the sun coming up at 6 AM making it easier for me to get out of bed and get to my newly found spinning classes.

The pumpkin scones at Starbucks are really good.

This place should be called Lost Angeles.

I met some really cool people yesterday at lunch. Rachel is thinking of moving here from NYC...reminded me to take this blog back to my first year of ups and downs and searching and learning. Ryan lives in Chicago...he's writing a book. Do you know that Native Americans plan based on how it will effect the next 7 generations? Ryan is in urban planning and they use that theory. Pretty cool.

No one's life is exactly what it seems.

We all need to be a little gentler with each other. I find that the most judgmental people are being equally as judgmental of themselves. When you're upset with someone, communicate it to them. But don't freak out over every little thing...if someone is in your life and you love them and they love you, then chances are that more often than not, they would never intentionally hurt you. And remember that you have unintentionally hurt others in your life. None of us are perfect. Learn to forgive. Don't hold grudges.

I have heartburn.

I've been having some really crazy dreams...about my grandmother, my dog, my wedding bands, and forests. Not all together.

I'm absolutely exhausted. Tomorrow is a new day...a day where I have to drive through a picket line. Oy.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 7:47 PM 0 comments    

Labels: random thoughts