rain + strike=grumpy
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
It's raining in LA and while my neighbor says it's good because we need it, apparently I've become addicted to the groundhog day-like sun that seems to greet me almost every morning. Usually it lasts for a day and we're done. We grumble and moan and don't leave for lunch and then we awake the next morning to the sun, reassuring us that all is well in the land of LaLa. So it poured yesterday. True to form, I had trouble getting out of bed. I felt lethargic and annoyed and my new haircut looked like shit. I went directly home after work. I did not pass go or go to yoga or meet a friend. I got into sweats and I planted myself on my couch and went to bed early, certain that I would awake to a new, bright, sunshine-y day.
But this morning didn't feel bright and sunshine-y. It was drizzly and overcast and that's where my mood is too. And besides the fact that it's supposed to rain AGAIN tomorrow, I can't help but attribute some of this to the fact that my brain is atrophying from lack of use due to this interminable strike attacking the land of entertainment. It's become a game of he said, she said and I don't know who's telling the truth and who's lying. (I'm sure both are doing both.) And quite honestly, I don't really care - I just want it to end. It feels like everything is in a holding pattern until this is over, including my ability to make decisions for myself about my wants and desires and my life. For a while, this has actually been good for me since I tend to spend such ridiculous amounts of time trying to figure out what I should do with my life and end up getting so overwhelmed and anxious about the whole thing that I never get anywhere. So I've sat with where I am. For the past 6 weeks, I've patiently sat with where I am. And I've mostly been OK with that. I've even enjoyed the challenge of slowing down my ever swirling brain. But these days I find myself staring blankly at the computer screen for far longer than I could ever imagine possible due to the lack of creative energy (or any energy for that matter) flowing through these halls. I find my fingers hovering idly over the keyboard waiting for something mildly interesting to flow out. I surf the web, looking for something, anything to bring me some ounce of mental stimulation. It's not that the stimulation I had pre-strike was so immense - but it was better than nothing which is what I've got now.
Today, I'm tired of it. Today, I can't sit where I am. Today, I want to move forward...catapult myself out of this cubicle and into the world that I am certain I belong in if I could only figure out what it is. I know it is fulfilling and intellectually stimulating and challenging. I know it has me excited to get out of bed in the morning. I know it has me doing something that feels good. Something that fills me up so that my head doesn't have to spin because it's busy taking care of the things that are demanded of me.
And I think about that and I look at where I am, where I have been, and those pictures don't match. They aren't those two pictures sitting side by side that challenge you to look closely to figure out what's different. They are drastically different pictures.
I met a healer about a month ago by happenstance. She was helping make a documentary for which my husband was being interviewed. We spoke for a little while about not much at all and then she looked at me and said, "You need to work on your fifth chakra - it's your chakra of communication and creativity."
"Interesting," I responded, mildly skeptical of her assessment.
"Once you open up your fifth chakra, you'll figure out what you want to do with your life. You'll know."
I looked at her, my eyes open wide like a child's. How on earth did she know that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life? And not in a casual, "Well, someday I'll figure it out" sort of way...In an "it plagues me that I don't know" sort of way. She understood that...saw it in me.
I started this post to bitch about the rain. I erased about 10 things that I wrote, unable to find any sort of flow or value in my words. Until I decided to stop censoring and just write. The beauty of a day like this is that I had no idea that this is where this post would go or that it was even what I was thinking or feeling. The beauty of a day like this is that I have been reminded that I need to work on my fifth chakra.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:30 PM
Labels: introspection, meltdowns
It never fails that when it rains or it's dreary outside, I end up feeling a little less centered, and focused, and creative. Those sunny, bright days always end up lifting my mood, and in the winter months, where they are few and far between, it can be tough!
So I hear you; I get this.
Here's hoping for some sunshine-y days ahead for you. I really enjoyed this post- you let yourself just write, go with the flow, off the cuff, and it was really something I related to.