LOVE AND LIGHT
Monday, August 16, 2010
To be honest with you, I don’t know if the movie Eat Pray Love was good or not. I don’t know because I felt moved at times, inspired, and connected. A movie doesn’t have to be well done to do that, but when it does do those things for me, it’s hard for me to determine if I think it’s a good movie. I’ve seen a few HORRIBLE movies that I left the theater loving because I related. Upon 2nd viewing, I would realize that it was simply the circumstance or the place I was in my life at that moment or whatever – but that the movie itself was actually awful. I don’t know if Eat Pray Love falls into this category (the reviews would have me believe so) or not, but I left feeling satisfied.
In the past year, I have struggled with a few close relationships in my life. Close is a funny word to describe them, because that’s exactly what I no longer feel with these people. None of them have relationships with each other – the only thing they have in common is that at one time in their lives, they had an extremely close relationship with me. And from my perspective, we don’t have the same relationship anymore. The details are different with each person but the underlying reason is the same. Things change. People change – even the people that you are sure you know because you’ve known them for 10 or 15 or 20 years. We all grow up and new people enter our lives and new experiences effect us and we grow and we shift and we change. So we’ve probably both changed and with that, so has the friendship. I don’t know whether or not they feel the things that I feel, but I no longer feel good or happy or fulfilled by these relationships. I often find myself angry after interactions with any of these people. I go in hoping things will be what they once were – but fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, well – you know the rest. So shame on me for expecting things to be different at this point. I leave angry, hurt, frustrated, nostalgic. But more than anything, I’m left sad. And conflicted. I care deeply for all of these people. But I no longer desire to have the relationship that we once had. And my inability to figure out how to “let go” has taken up a part of my being that would be so much better used for other, more positive things. I ultimately wind up angry at MYSELF. Why am I letting someone that I don’t even really LIKE anymore get to me so deeply? Why am I spending so much time thinking about it? Why, just when I think I’ve gotten to a new level, does something happen that sends me reeling all over again? And in the end, I’m the one who’s left with all the shit swimming in my head and my heart. It’s not good for me.
So I’m going to try something new. When anything happens with one of these people, or if I just happen to be thinking about them for whatever reason – be it because they’ve reached out or have come up in conversation or whatever – instead of thinking and thinking and thinking some more about what used to be and what isn’t now and what happened the last time we saw each other or spoke that just chipped another piece away from the relationship – I’m going to send them Love and Light and then I’m going to move them out of my consciousness. It makes sense – I struggle because I do love, even if I don’t like so much anymore. And looking for answers has my chasing my tail. So I’m going to try only being positive and letting go.
Yes it’s totally idealistic. But I’ve been trying to let go for a few years with some of these people and nothing has worked. So as someone smart once said, “Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:45 PM 1 comments
Labels: books, friends, introspection, life lessons, movies, musings on life
Lighter with less
Monday, December 3, 2007
I've always wanted to be one of those completely self-motivated people. The ones who can just decide that they are going to do something and it gets done. It seems to me that for certain people there are never any excuses or overrides or not knowing how...ever. But that's not me and that's OK. I need a system or a regimen or guidelines of some sort.
About 2 months ago, I walked into Jamba juice after a yoga class and was looking through the books that you always look at while you wait for your Pomegranate Paradise but never actually buy. My eyes glazed over the normal selection about taking care of your body and eating wholesome foods. But then this book popped out at me - there was a white glow surrounding it and I swear - it floated off of the shelf and into my hands and led me up to the counter. That day I went home with my Pomegranate Paradise and a new book:Clear You Clutter with Feng Shui.
It took me a while to really get into the book. I was excited about the idea of it, but naturally, I decided that actually CLEARING my clutter couldn't happen until I'd read the book. What if I did it wrong? What if there was something more for me to learn? And if I didn't have time to sit down and read the book, how would I possibly be able to find the time to clear my clutter? See? No discipline.
But last week, on vacation, I finished the book (I even read some sections twice and if you happen to pick up this book, you'll see that it's small and maybe 125 pages - an outrageously easy read. So this "finishing of the book" was no great feat...I'm just good at making excuses.) And since I finished, I've been totally inspired. So I've gone on a rampage of the best possible kind. I'm getting rid of all the crap that's been sitting in my house, my life, for the past however many years untouched, unused, unworn. There are things that traveled 3000 miles across the country - from NY to LA, from my sublet to my apartment to my current home. They made the cut every time despite the fact that I hadn't used them in years. But no more. It's almost like I can see for the first time. I KNOW! It sounds totally dramatic but I'm telling you!!! All of a sudden I'm not screwing around - it's been easy. This stays, that goes...no second thoughts, no question.
Perhaps I just needed a few rules, a few guidelines to get me into a disciplined mode. I feel like a mad woman - as soon as one drawer or shelf is done, I'm eagerly searching for the next one to go through. I'm on a mission. Because I feel AMAZING. It's like everything I get rid of gives me more energy, makes me feel happier. (I know my father is reading this thinking I've totally lost it, but I'm telling you -- it's TRUE!!!!) It leaves room for me to appreciate the things that I truly want to have. And the truth is, why should any of us have anything in our lives other than what we TRULY want to have? I'd rather have two things I loooooooooove with all my heart and soul than 20 that are just ok. Isn't that how it works anyhow? You wear the things you love ALL the time while the rest sit in your closet, and occasionally get a glimpse of the outside world because you feel like you "should" wear it. So I've decided that my home, my life, should only be filled with things I love.
Isn't that how it should be?
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:42 PM 1 comments
Labels: books, musings on life
Chutzpah
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I hate when books end. And generally that applies to one that I love so much that I can't put it down - which inevitably lead me closer and closer to the book ending. It's a vicious cycle.
I used to read all the time as a little girl and the NY subways brought me back to books after my college years (in which I only read plays and textbooks and labels on wine bottles.) I would look forward to my time on the train to get through that next chapter. But then I moved to LA and had to drive. And I don't think I picked up a book for the first year and a half that I lived in LA. I watched more tv and I was reading so many freaking scripts all the time that I never wanted to come home and quietly open a book. Foolish girl. A book is not a script. A book is an escape into another world. It's an intimate introduction to a total stranger.
Last night I finished Julie and Julia. Quite simply this is a story of a girl with chutzpah. I am totally enamored of this Julie. Julie was a secretary at a government agency in Manhattan. Her days droned on and she was, for all intents and purposes, miserable. Until she decided that she was going to cook her way through Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking in a year. Every day she cooked. In 365 days she made all 524 recipes. She made kidneys and sweet breads and dishes with bone marrow. She killed a live lobster herself exactly as Julia instructs even though the idea of it made her want to quit the project completely. She did it all - the whole damn book - and she blogged about it the entire time. And all of a sudden Julie found herself a celebrity of the blogosphere. She got interviewed by all sorts of people and she got recognized on the street and she found herself with a book deal which I, for one, am immensley grateful for because otherwise I never would have known about the Julie/Julia project. After I finished the book (and of course I cried and I'm not even completely sure why...I think I was proud of her and enamored with her and inspired by her and saw pieces of myself in her) I went online to check out her blog. And I have to say, this Julie character should have NEVER been a secretary in a government agency. This girl is SO CLEARLY a writer that it made my head spin. She just didn't know what she was supposed to do with herself until she did it. And even then she was shocked that it was the answer. Or rather, an answer. She's a writer! She's smart and she's funny and she uses words that I didn't even know existed...and I'm just taken with Julie. She did it. She took lemons and without even realizing it, she made lemonade just by having the tenacity to take on a project and take it on with every ounce of her being. Chutzpah.
Inspiring. I love reading.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 12:13 PM 1 comments
Labels: books
