LOVE AND LIGHT
Monday, August 16, 2010
To be honest with you, I don’t know if the movie Eat Pray Love was good or not. I don’t know because I felt moved at times, inspired, and connected. A movie doesn’t have to be well done to do that, but when it does do those things for me, it’s hard for me to determine if I think it’s a good movie. I’ve seen a few HORRIBLE movies that I left the theater loving because I related. Upon 2nd viewing, I would realize that it was simply the circumstance or the place I was in my life at that moment or whatever – but that the movie itself was actually awful. I don’t know if Eat Pray Love falls into this category (the reviews would have me believe so) or not, but I left feeling satisfied.
In the past year, I have struggled with a few close relationships in my life. Close is a funny word to describe them, because that’s exactly what I no longer feel with these people. None of them have relationships with each other – the only thing they have in common is that at one time in their lives, they had an extremely close relationship with me. And from my perspective, we don’t have the same relationship anymore. The details are different with each person but the underlying reason is the same. Things change. People change – even the people that you are sure you know because you’ve known them for 10 or 15 or 20 years. We all grow up and new people enter our lives and new experiences effect us and we grow and we shift and we change. So we’ve probably both changed and with that, so has the friendship. I don’t know whether or not they feel the things that I feel, but I no longer feel good or happy or fulfilled by these relationships. I often find myself angry after interactions with any of these people. I go in hoping things will be what they once were – but fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, well – you know the rest. So shame on me for expecting things to be different at this point. I leave angry, hurt, frustrated, nostalgic. But more than anything, I’m left sad. And conflicted. I care deeply for all of these people. But I no longer desire to have the relationship that we once had. And my inability to figure out how to “let go” has taken up a part of my being that would be so much better used for other, more positive things. I ultimately wind up angry at MYSELF. Why am I letting someone that I don’t even really LIKE anymore get to me so deeply? Why am I spending so much time thinking about it? Why, just when I think I’ve gotten to a new level, does something happen that sends me reeling all over again? And in the end, I’m the one who’s left with all the shit swimming in my head and my heart. It’s not good for me.
So I’m going to try something new. When anything happens with one of these people, or if I just happen to be thinking about them for whatever reason – be it because they’ve reached out or have come up in conversation or whatever – instead of thinking and thinking and thinking some more about what used to be and what isn’t now and what happened the last time we saw each other or spoke that just chipped another piece away from the relationship – I’m going to send them Love and Light and then I’m going to move them out of my consciousness. It makes sense – I struggle because I do love, even if I don’t like so much anymore. And looking for answers has my chasing my tail. So I’m going to try only being positive and letting go.
Yes it’s totally idealistic. But I’ve been trying to let go for a few years with some of these people and nothing has worked. So as someone smart once said, “Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:45 PM 1 comments
Labels: books, friends, introspection, life lessons, movies, musings on life
No way out but through
Thursday, July 31, 2008
One of my oldest friends (we'll call her Buttercup) was in town from NYC this past weekend with her adorable baby. As we strolled through the gorgeous streets of Hancock Park (and I continually rammed the stroller with sleeping baby into the edge of the grass), we discussed the fact that we had definitively entered a new time in our lives. Gone are the days of bars until 4 AM, (of course, this only took place in NYC, since everything is closed by 2 out here. I am grateful everyday that I spent the majority of my 20's in NYC where a proper night out didn't end until the sun was only an hour or two away from rising.), the days of showing more skin so that we could inch our way to the front of the line, the days of Saturday nights that didn't start until 11, the days of wondering when or if the text from that guy was going to come, and the days of jumping when it did.
This has been a conversation that I've had on multiple occasions as of late, with different friends. Another of my closest described her insane evening out in NYC at the Beatrice Inn last week, surrounded by ridiculously gorgeous 24 year olds, drunk on their youth (and a few too many Ketel and soda's). When I asked her if she missed it, she didn't think twice before answering that she most definitively did not.
The attitude seems to be one of been there, done that - enjoyed it whole-heartedly and no need to look back. And I love that.
But there's often a second part to this conversation and it involves the last two things on my list of "gone". The days of wondering when or if the text from that boy was going to come and jumping when it did.
"I wish that I hadn't wasted so much time wondering if I was ever going to meet someone. I wish that I'd just been able to enjoy that time of kissing random boys, meeting new people, flirting incessantly - without so much angst involved. I wish that constant questioning and fear that I was never going to find someone hadn't hovered over that time in my life like a Jewish mother watching you eat that ice cream sundae," Buttercup vented as I once again, rammed her baby's stroller into the grass.
It was like she was reading my insane mind. I had been one to voice my fears and anxiety to my closest friends more than most. Recently, another good friend returned a phone call after a month. She has a seven week old baby. She doesn't EVER have to return phone calls as far as I'm concerned...As soon as we got on the phone she started bitching about her significant other and how much he was driving her MAD. And then she stopped and apologized.
"I haven't spoken to you in a month and the first thing I do when I get on the phone with you is complain. Nice."
My response? "It's the least I can do for you after the years where the only phone calls you got from me were full of anxiety and complaining."
She laughed. Because it was true. I had so much anxiety about not knowing how my life was going to turn out, was it going to be ok, would I be successful, would I ever meet a guy, blah blah blah blah BLAH, that I literally had to express it to my friends or my brain was going to EXPLODE with ridiculous fears. My point is, I had expressed those fears to Buttercup while they were happening. It was rare that she had expressed them to me. I had no idea that she felt plagued by the same anxieties, so much so that at times, it prevented her from enjoying that crazy and wild ride we were on.
We continued our stroll, trying to figure out a way to make money by teaching women this lesson. But the problem is that you can't teach anyone any of this. They have to learn it themselves. They have to go through it. Sure - there are all sorts of Goddess classes, The Landmark Forum, Personal Dynamics, to name a few...But none of it can teach you what you need to KNOW in order to live it.
So my question is this, why is it that the women of my generation and those younger than mine (which, incidentally, seem to be increasing every day...) don't just know? Why do we spend precious hours, months, days deep in the dark hole of anxiety? Is it because our grandmothers are constantly hounding us about when we're going to meet someone? It is because the way things are now are so different from the way things were? Because people aren't settling down right after college and so yes, "meeting people" is becoming harder and harder?
I'm fascinated by this phenomenon...and curious to know what others think...
I used to have a yoga teacher who would say that "Fear is the absence of being present. Unless a bear is chasing you or a gun is being held to your head, there's not much reason to be scared in the present moment. Especially not in downward dog."
I wish I could bottle this sentiment and sell it. But I know, given that plenty of people tried to instill this in me while I was going through it and I just. couldn't. get it. that, at the end of the day, there's no way out but through.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:39 PM 6 comments
Labels: friends, introspection, life lessons
Musings on a plane ride from coast to coast
Monday, May 12, 2008
Apparently Samantha is living in LA.
I found this out last night on the plane ride back from my 36 hour jaunt to Boston for Mother's Day. I bought Vogue because SJP graced the cover and even though I still mourn the fact that she's not half as cool in real life as Carrie is, I couldn't resist anything having to do with Sex and the City. Yes - that Samantha.
There is a line in the article that reads: In the story, all the girls have moved on: Samantha is living in L.A., Charlotte is settled in with her adopted Chinese daughter, and Miranda...is married and living in Brooklyn.
As I read "Samantha is living in L.A.", all of a sudden I had tears spilling over onto the page. I practically rolled my eyes at myself. It wasn't enough that I've cried EVERY SINGLE TIME that I've seen the trailer for this stupid movie. Now I was crying at a magazine article? What the hell???
Well, I'll tell you what the hell.
Things change. Even in Sex and the City things change. Yes, their lives were always constantly shifting - men, jobs, apartments. But through it all, they were together. In New York City. When Carrie moved to Paris for four episodes it was impossible that it would ever last...she was obviously going to move back. Because while everything else around them was constantly changing, Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte stayed put.
But things change. And Samantha goes to LA.
I got an email from a friend of mine who's still in college. She just got back from Semester at Sea. She wrote that she hasn't been able to stop crying since she got home. I felt the corners of my mouth turn up slightly in acknowledgment as I read her email. It wasn't a smile per se. It was an understanding. An ahhhhhh, yes. I recognize her ache. I have felt that too on so many occasions. The end of camp. The end of college. The end of a show. Moving to NYC. Moving from NYC. The end of wedding planning (ummm - RIDICULOUS but true.) It's the feeling of wondering how it could it possibly ever be better than this moment. The fear that it will never be as good as this again. And ultimately, the realization of exactly how special the moment you were just in actually is.
Things change. Samantha goes to LA. And I did too.
But here's the thing.
Those moments DO happen again. New ones. Even better than the last ones. Or sometimes different. We will forever long for those days (of college, of early 20's, of whatever...). Or I. I should say I. I'm speaking for me. But if I stayed in those moments that I end up mourning, I don't think it would stay special. I don't think I'd continue to appreciate it. And within those little microcosms, things would begin to change too.
So it's true that nothing lasts forever. That dreams change and trends come and go. But at the end of the day, the most important part of all of that is that the best friendships never ever go out of style. They, too, may change. Shift. Perhaps have growing pains. Some may fall by the wayside from missed communications or just growing up and growing apart. But there are people that just become a part of your chemical makeup. That I can say with the utmost certainty, will be a part of my life for the rest of it. No matter the location, no matter the situation. My Samantha and Charlotte and Miranda, my Anthony and my Stanford will be around. Forever.
Those friendships will never, EVER go out of style.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 5:27 PM 2 comments
Labels: friends, introspection, moving to LA, NYC
A Love Letter to Ina
Monday, May 5, 2008
I read cookbooks. Like cover to cover.
This is a shock to me. I had no idea that I was going to grow up and be a cookbook reader.
This evening I came home from work and my Amazon.com shipment had arrived. It contained three books:
1. How'd You Score That Gig - a book that was promoted in my "Daily Cents" email and I just couldn't resist given my influx of career thoughts these days.
2. Colin Cowie's Chic- I recently bought this for a close friend for her birthday and it was nearly impossible not to keep it for myself. So I did the next best thing and bought myself one too. How do you resist a book with PERFECT advice on home, entertaining, travel, and work from one of the most fabulous gay men alive???
3. The Barefoot Contessa at Home- which brings me to this post. You know how Sesame Street is brought to you by a letter? Like the letter Q. or R. or any of the other 24 letters. This post is brought to you by the Barefoot Contessa.
When I opened the package, I stared at all three and contemplated - but I was immediately drawn to Ina. And I didn't just turn to the recipes. I wanted to read her introduction. I WANTED to. Ummmmm...I am a cookbook introduction reading 32 year old woman. AND I LOVE IT.
I'm only 40 pages into her 249 pages of delectable delights but I'm already dreaming of dinner parties with perfect margaritas (no margarita mix!!!!) and pan-fried french onion dip (made ENTIRELY from scratch) and most importantly lots and lots of laughing. And warmth. Ina talks about a home filled with warmth. Where people walk in and they feel like family. And that's why I love Ina. Sure, her recipes are amaaaaazing. Next level. Truly my favorites. I know if I cook Barefoot, I'm cooking a good meal. But the Ina's philosophy rings true for me even more:
"A good home should gather you up in its arms like a warm cashmere blanket, soothe your hurt feelings, and prepare you to go back out into that big bad world tomorrow all ready to fight the dragons....Sure it has to make (myself and my husband) feel comfortable, but equally important, it has to make my friends want to drop by."
This. This is the philosophy I want to live by. This is what life is about. Having a home that feels like a home to each and every person that comes here. With chairs that they can sink their bodies into and food they can sink their teeth into and conversation they can sink their souls into. This is what life is about.
I'm 32 and I read cookbooks. Excuse me now. I have to go finish...
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:48 PM 4 comments
Labels: family, food and drink, friends, introspection, musings on life, whilst drinking
The little things
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Nothing's better than a fire in the fireplace and snow on the ground outside.
Nothing's better than sinking into a huge couch with old friends surrounding you on all sides.
Nothing's better than laughing so hard that your belly hurts, laughing so hard you cry.
Nothing's better than having no place you have to go, nothing you have to do, no one you have to see.
Nothing's better than reminiscing.
Nothing's better than sleeping late and taking naps and doing things on your own schedule rather than the schedule of the world.
Nothing's better than hot chocolate and bloody marys and jelly bellys. Not necessarily together.
Nothing's better than watching old movies that are so bad they're good.
Nothing's better than having a moment where time can truly stand still. Where you can just be and live and experience people in a way that the world so rarely allows us to do anymore.
Nothing's better than cooking in a kitchen full of people, drinking wine and laughing.
Nothing's better than having grown up together and continuing to grow.
Nothing's better than realizing that you're not alone in the things that you struggle with - in work, in love, in life.
Nothing's better than a weekend away with old friends.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:36 AM 2 comments
Shifts Are Better As Dresses
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Expectations.
Buddhists learn not to have them. Yoga tells you that if you are really fully present, it's not possible to have expectations because you will only be experiencing the moment that is here now...while you are reading the words on the screen.
How, when you have friends for such a long time, do you refrain from having expectations? And I don't mean like "they should call me back immediately or they're dead to me" expectations (which, if you have, you should maybe find a shrink...although who am I to say what expectations are right or wrong. But really. Shrink. I have a few great recommendations if you want...) I mean expectations like you just know them...you know who they are and what they believe in and how they will be and well, what you can expect from them. Right? Isn't that something that just starts to happen at a certain point? You feel you truly know someone. So you think you know whether they'll be late or on time (and yes, late still annoys you...but you love 50 million other things about them so it's OK.) You think you know whether they'll be the friend who supports, the friend who encourages, the friend who tells you the truth, the friend who you eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's with. You think you know the shoes they will love and the food that they crave and the things that you can laugh at together just as much as the things you might cry about together. You think you know with whom you want to share what. You think you know...
And then, all of a sudden, something shifts. Perhaps a life experience or a location or a partner. I am certain that there were people in my life who saw different things in me when I met my husband. Especially for the short time when I know that I lost a little of my footing in the whole process. I was trying to figure it all out - they dynamics of our relationship, what it felt like to be around him, what I believed still versus what his influences had me believe. And more than anything, I was just so, sooooooooo about the whole thing and about him that I pretty much didn't think of anyone else but me and how I was feeling about him and whether or not he was thinking about me. I know. And I think it's inevitable - when you're with a person that you are in love with, they effect your thoughts and actions. You're learning a new dance, a new language of sorts...and it takes time to find all of the parts of you that you want to maintain. Sometimes it happens with every single person you meet, sometimes it just happens the very first time you really fall in love, sometimes it happens when it's been a while since you had butterflies. But I can't think of a single friend that it hasn't happened with at some point in time. People shift - even if just ever so slightly or ever so momentarily...they shift. It's from that feeling of never wanting to be away from this new force in your life. It's from wanting to know everything they know and believe and trying to figure out how it fits in with what you know and believe. It's from trying new things and being around new people that you find through this person and figuring out life a little more because of it all. And I think that most of the time, you shift back. You find your melody inside of the symphony that's now playing and you make sure that it plays loud and clear and that together, with the other person's melody, you create a lovely harmony.
Wow - that's sooooooooo cheesy. But what I mean to say is that eventually, you find your way back to you. And generally, your other relationships go back to the way they were - whether there was tolerance or intolerance, annoyance or understanding...things go back.
Except. I don't know. Except what if they don't? What if things DON'T go back to how they were before? What if things feel just a little different? What if you notice that there's that part of someone that was sort of tempered by their last partner but gets highlighted by this one...and it's a part that's really hard for you to swallow? Do you take a deep breath and hope that it will shift back? That it's just part of it all and that it's just taking longer? Do you accept that it might never shift back and that therefore, your friendship might shift permanently? Do you relinquish those expectations that you've grown to have over the years and years and years that you've know each other? Or do you just realize that the person is happy and it's not about you?
And it's not about you...it's them being them. Perhaps a part of them that you didn't love so much, but you took with the rest. But now that part is there more. At first you thought it was just a fluke. But then you realize that since this new relationship came into their life, you've loved being around them just a little less. And it's hard. It's really, really, painfully difficult. You feel selfish and unsupportive and you want them to be happy. But you miss the stuff that you...well...grew to expect.
I know it's selfish. And I know that this is who she is. This has always been a part of her. So I suppose my more self-aware choice would be to try understand why it's so hard for me to deal with this part of her. Why does it agitate me...what does it set off in me? And I'm looking at that too...because there's no bad that can come of that.
But I'm also coming to terms with the fact that people shift. And sometimes, they don't shift back. And then, you have to shift your expectations. Or become a Buddhist.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:33 PM 1 comments
Labels: friends, musings on life
Have yourself...
Monday, December 24, 2007
It is Christmas Eve and I've gotten a moment of quiet. I took out the computer while it was there and now the quiet is gone. But I enjoy the noise nonetheless. I am alternating between English Breakfast tea and J Pinot Gris. The tree is lit with ornaments the colors of the sea. Appropriate considering we are south of Santa Barbara - about 5 minutes from Rincon Beach. The house is full of laughter and children's voices and different accents and fantastic smells. There's "White Christmas" playing on the stereo and soon it will be followed by a Bob Marley or U2 Christmas song - both of which I would have been able to think of that names if only you'd asked me two glasses of wine ago. We just ate some sort of tenderloin that was out of this world and mixed baby greens with dried cranberries and stilton and candied pecans and haricot verts with marcona almonds and lemon juice and baked potatoes with creme fraiche and butter and scallions. We've just realized that we left the bottle of pinot grigio in the freezer but we've gotten it out just in time. There are cookies going out for Santa - along with a pint of Guiness and a carrot for the reindeer.
Christmas is magic.
I describe this scene because I can't quite find the words to describe how I feel. And being surrounded by these Brits, I hear myself writing this and saying "Cah-n't" in my head...like you would say car. Do other people do that? Read their emails or their articles or their blogs in the voices that they imagine are authoring? I do.
Anyhow, I can't find the words. I hope that one day I'll become the writer that can transport you there to experience everything happening as it is in my world. But for now, I'm not certain I can do it justice. We are with close friends celebrating the holiday in their home - friends who are family.
I think of a year ago. My first Christmas Eve with Fin and Russell. It was just the four of us. We gathered in this newly built living room around the fireplace and ate on the floor and drank red wine. The only light was that of the Christmas tree - the first piece of furniture to enter the new home. We laughed and spoke of the year past and the year ahead. We weren't married yet. It was our first and only Christmas as fiances with all the hope and excitement of everything to come. We spent the evening wrapping gifts and eating the cookies and carrots left out. And laughing.
We were awoken by the kids the next morning at some ungodly hour in order to open presents. It was my first Christmas morning with children and it was fantastic. We awoke to "Santa's come! SANTA'S COME!!! Michelle, Matt, come ON!" Gifts were chosen and paper was torn apart and bicycles were ridden and forts were built and Christmas morning was the most fantastic thing ever.
And here we are again a year later. There's something different the second year. A building of tradition. A lovely ease. This time the house is filled with far more people and it appears that there's no last minute gift-wrapping (although it's only 8:45 and there are still children awake. But I'm not sure my less than stellar wrapping abilities would be enhanced any by the amount of wine I've consumed.) The house has been occupied for almost a year and we've even got our own room for when we come to stay. A whole year has past and dare I say it for fear of sounding like my great aunt Connie - the kids are a year older. And so are we.
A lot has happened in this past year. I'm grateful for this evening. The same place a year later...to look back and reflect. I can't describe how I feel - can't possibly do it justice. But the genius is that I'm with people that don't need to hear the words. They just know.
I hope your Christmas is filled with all the beauty and wonderment and reflection that you could possibly ask for.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:22 PM 0 comments
Labels: family, food and drink, friends, whilst drinking
An Ode to Peppermint Mochas
Friday, December 21, 2007
I am sitting here this morning on what is my last day in the office for the next week, sipping a peppermint mocha in pure bliss. It's not about the impending vacation, although I'm sure that's adding to my mood. It's the peppermint mocha. It lets me know that all is right with the world. Perhaps that sounds dramatic or exaggerated to you. But then my guess is that you have not had the joy of experiencing a peppermint mocha.
Peppermint mochas are my signal that the holiday season has arrived. I patiently drink regular mochas or lattes the rest of the year while I await the day when I see the deep red, snowflake covered Starbucks cup appear...signaling that it's that time of year. I take my first sip and the warm minty goodness slides down my throat, and I feel my entire body smiling from head to toe. I'm telling you. It's like liquid crack.
But perhaps my favorite part of the peppermint mocha is the fact that my love for this drink is shared with my two oldest friends who love it just as much as I do. Every year, like clockwork, an email goes out when one of us has partaken for the first time. And while it's rare that all three of us get to enjoy them in person together anymore, the phone calls to let each other know that we've just had one and thought of each other seem to come in a close second. There's nothing that makes me happier than the phone calls with what seems like potentially mundane news because in old friendships, it's anything but. Without fail I smile when I get these messages or see these emails in my inbox. I am reminded that I have friends that know me - truly KNOW me - and with whom the mundane is the most exciting of all because it keeps us up to date on the real life happenings no matter how close or far we live.
When we were 6, we ate potato latkes together in Hebrew school. When we were 8 and everyone else cut out Christmas trees in school, we were making Hanukkah bushes. When we were 13, we went shopping for our boyfriend's holiday gifts together. When we were 16, we made each other care packages to take on the plane for our respective holiday vacations filled not only with delicious treats but also with weeks worth of "notes" for our reading pleasure. When we were 18, we celebrated our first Christmas break home from college. When we were 24, we brought in the year 2000 together. And now that we're 32, we're sharing peppermint mochas. A lifetime of holidays spent together and the beauty is that, while we're no longer together physically, we'll always be together - even if just through a sip of peppermint mocha.
I raise my mocha to the two of you. Here's to the next 30 years of holidays together - be it in person, in spirit or in peppermint mocha.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 10:28 AM 1 comments
Labels: food and drink, friends
Girlfriends
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
There was an article in the New York Times about 5 years ago. I've looked for it time and again and can't seem to find it. It talked about a hormone that is only released from female friendships and how romantic relationships don't fill the same needs as female friendships. I am positive this is true. Of course, romantic relationships fulfill other emotional needs that friendships alone can not. But I could never live with solely a romantic relationship. I am a person who needs my girlfriends (slash my gay friends who are essentially my girlfriends in sheep's clothing.)
So it makes sense that I felt like I was coming down from a great high when I got to my empty home last night. It's a bizarre comparison but it's accurate. It feels like I've come down. I had a home filled with people all weekend - most notably one of my oldest and dearest girlfriends. When I got home last night, that hormone, whatever it's called, was gone. (Not to mention that my husband has been back in NYC for the week, so it was genuinely empty.)
I don't know why it is, but I don't get time with my girlfriends here like I got in New York. I think that part of it is because Los Angeles is more spread out which makes it more difficult than NYC. In New York, I could meet a friend for a glass of wine for an hour before we both went to a dinner...or I met them for dinner...or sometimes even after dinner. There were a few friends that I saw at least 2 or 3 times a week. It was easy - no one had to get in a car to drive anywhere. And we all lived within 15 minutes of each other...walking.
I also could connect with most anyone, anywhere via the phone during the evenings. If I had a night at home, I could get on the phone with a friend in Chicago or LA or Atlanta or San Fransisco or Boston or New York. But now it's usually too late to connect with the east coast or midwest when I'm done with work. The time difference makes it insanely difficult to get people on the phone or for people to get me on the phone, for that matter. Even on the weekends - their early evening is my middle of the day.
And then there's the fact of sheer numbers. Quite simply, I have a lot more really close friends in New York most of whom have known me at least ten years. I only have one friend out here who's known me for more than four (and that includes my husband.) And I am immensely grateful for my newer friendships, for the ones that I have often don't feel new. They feel warm and familiar and safe. But it takes time to cultivate the comfort that one has with their oldest friends.
Maybe I just miss my friends in New York. Not only do I miss my friends in New York, but I miss the frequency with which I felt the opportunity to connect with all of my friends in general. I crave that hormone more than I get it...but this weekend I got a hefty, wonderful overdose. And it's not something that I ever want to detox from.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:27 PM 0 comments
Labels: friends
In Style
Friday, December 7, 2007
"They say nothing lasts forever. Dreams change. Trends come and go...But friendships never go out of style."
That, my friends, is the opening voice over from the trailer for the Sex and the City movie. And it couldn't have come at a more apropos time.
I decided to move to Los Angeles at the same time that Carrie Bradshaw moved to Paris. I was still living in New York when the finale aired but I was out in LA visiting my betrothed before he was that... I watched the entire episode with tears streaming down my face. It was the end of an era -- Sex and the City was ending and so was my time in New York. My life had often mirrored Carrie's sans the 50+ pairs of Manolos and Jimmy Choos. And yes, I'm aware that 1 million other women, New Yorker or otherwise, feel the same way. But I bet you'd be harder pressed to find as many people that faced the dilemma of moving away from their beloved city at the same exact time that Carrie did.
It was a double whammy - I felt like I was losing not one, but TWO of my closest friends.
So it's ironic that on the same day that I get to hear that fabulous voice over again that so often forecasted the goings on in my life, one of my best friends (shall we call her the Samantha to my Carrie?) is visiting Los Angeles. She's only been here for about 18 hours, but already, I feel more at home. I've been in Los Angeles for a little over three years - and in that time, I've not had nearly enough time with Sharon. And while so much has changed, some things have stayed the same. And our friendship is one of them. So yes - dreams DO change and trends absolutely come and go...but there are certain friendships that never, EVER go out of style.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 11:24 AM 1 comments
History
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I had an interesting conversation with someone yesterday. She also used to live in NYC and now lives in LA. Unlike me, she can't fathom going back. Her entire family is there - no matter. And when I asked about all her close friends from NY, her response was, "Yeah - I don't really miss them. I just made new best friends. I talk to my friends back east now and they always yell at me because we never talk. But I've moved on."
Huh. Interesting.
Moved on? I can't fathom the idea of not talking to my friends in NYC. I can't imagine replacing the friendships I've had for 10, 15, 30 years with new ones. Gaining new friends? Absolutely. Just forgetting the old ones? Are you freaking kidding me? That's my HISTORY. Those people are part of who I am. I can't even compreHEND the idea of not missing my friends in NYC. I wanted to question whether or not she actually had really good friends in NYC because if she did, then how the hell could they be replaceable? I, of course, did not ask this question. It was interesting to me that this person has adapted to Los Angeles so easily. I feel like that sort of laissez faire attitude fits perfectly into LA. And so does she.
There was a part of me that was mildly envious of her ability to pick up her life, transport it here and start anew. To create a new core group of friends so much so that she felt she wasn't missing anything. I'm sure if I didn't miss the people back east so much, I would be able to adapt myself to Los Angeles more. I would undoubtedly still miss New York itself - the energy, the hustle and bustle, the culture, the (and I know some of you will laugh at this description, but for me, it holds so much truth) ease. But it would be easier for me if I didn't love so many people there.
But I do. And they are people that I would never want to "give up" or "find new ones" of. They are irreplaceable. So while I slowly but surely make some new friends out here, they are just that - new. They are not a replacement of anything. And if we find that we like each other well enough to maintain our relationships then we, too, will begin a history. But we'll never replace my old ones.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:33 AM 2 comments
Labels: friends, homesick, moving to LA
New Contacts (the phone number kind)
Saturday, September 15, 2007
There's something remarkable about that moment when you enter a new number into your list of contacts. A mix of emotions - excited, happy, a little surprised (at least at my age) and a little nervous - all at the same time.
At 31, you meet a lot of new people, but you don't necessarily meet a lot of new people by whom you are stimulated enough to want to add their number to your phone. That you actually believe have potential to be a person that you will spend time with outside of the social setting in which you originally meet. At least for me.
I'm older. In the best possible way. I know what and who I like. I trust my instincts and my instincts tell me if I trust. And there's something perfectly magical about meeting a person that you just click with. It's just there. There's no forcing conversation, no figuring out what to talk about, no trying. You're just plain interested in learning about each other. And you feel like you're a little bit at home.
I haven't had the easiest time connecting with people in LA. And while at one point I blamed it on LA, I have to partially take responsibility for the fact that it's about me. As I slowly but surely meet more new and interesting and wonderful people that I am beginning to call my friends, I realize that as I have gotten older, I have become more discerning and more picky. I have incredible friends. Truly amazing. I marvel at the people that I have in my life. I'm not interested in spending my time on something that 's not equal to what I already have.
So when the chemistry happens, I am elated. Truly. I get giddy like a child that I have found a new spirit to play with, to grow with, to learn from. It's definitely akin to a crush of sorts.
And the additional beauty is that in getting to know someone new, you have the opportunity to get to know yourself all over again too. You get to see how you show up in the world at that moment in time. And you get to learn new things from someone new.
I had high standards when I moved to LA. I would argue that I have the best friends in the world. And I feel good that three years later , I can look at the small group in LA that I truly call my friends and know that I'm finding the same inspiring, intelligent, passionate people here that I've found all my life. I'm learning to appreciate the discovery process and know that the right people show up exactly when you need them most. And they find their way into your contacts.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:46 PM 1 comments
Labels: friends, moving to LA
