Me and the Fat Man
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Sometimes it feels like there's a fat man sitting on my chest. He's not bouncing up and down all jolly and happy and full of joy. He's on there pushing down, constricting me. Making fun of the fact that I don't know what I want, that I might just be a tad bit of a control freak, that I'm a little too logical. He laughs but it's not with me - it's most definitely at me and every time he laughs, he gets a little bit heavier, leaving me with less room to suck in air.
Sometimes it feels like there's a fat man sitting on my chest and I wish the world would understand me just a little bit better. And I wish I could explain me just a little bit better. And I wish that I didn't feel such a strong desire to be understood. And the harder I wish, the heavier the fat man gets.
Sometimes it feels like there's a fat man sitting on my chest, staring me in the face, his nose right next to mine. He glares directly into my eyes, refusing to back down, refusing to get off. My head starts to swarm from the lack of oxygen getting to my brain and I try to suck in a deep, full breath. But the fat man stays. And he laughs.
He says, "You should be anxious. You SHOULD feel panicked. You need to do it different! If I get up and leave, then you'll just be comfortable again and who wants comfortable for Christ's sake?" He glares at me, daring me to push him off, to tell him that he's wrong. To tell him that I don't need to take a few more risks, that everything is just as it should be. But he knows that I won't tell him that because he knows that I know that he is right.
Sometimes it feels like there's fat man sitting on my chest. He dangles his legs over the sides of my torso and eats a red velvet cupcake so that he can weigh down on me just a touch more. The knot in my throat gets tighter and I question myself, my choices, my path. He looks at me and I can tell that he thinks that I'm such a moron - that I care too much about what other people think. He sticks his big fat sweaty hands on my head and he pushes as hard as he can, making all the thoughts break off into fragments, making the walls feel like they're closing in.
Sometimes it feels like there's a fat man sitting on my chest and I want to stick a pin in his ass.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:55 PM
Labels: daily, introspection, meltdowns, yeah...i'm a little bit crazy
