Shifts Are Better As Dresses
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Expectations.
Buddhists learn not to have them. Yoga tells you that if you are really fully present, it's not possible to have expectations because you will only be experiencing the moment that is here now...while you are reading the words on the screen.
How, when you have friends for such a long time, do you refrain from having expectations? And I don't mean like "they should call me back immediately or they're dead to me" expectations (which, if you have, you should maybe find a shrink...although who am I to say what expectations are right or wrong. But really. Shrink. I have a few great recommendations if you want...) I mean expectations like you just know them...you know who they are and what they believe in and how they will be and well, what you can expect from them. Right? Isn't that something that just starts to happen at a certain point? You feel you truly know someone. So you think you know whether they'll be late or on time (and yes, late still annoys you...but you love 50 million other things about them so it's OK.) You think you know whether they'll be the friend who supports, the friend who encourages, the friend who tells you the truth, the friend who you eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's with. You think you know the shoes they will love and the food that they crave and the things that you can laugh at together just as much as the things you might cry about together. You think you know with whom you want to share what. You think you know...
And then, all of a sudden, something shifts. Perhaps a life experience or a location or a partner. I am certain that there were people in my life who saw different things in me when I met my husband. Especially for the short time when I know that I lost a little of my footing in the whole process. I was trying to figure it all out - they dynamics of our relationship, what it felt like to be around him, what I believed still versus what his influences had me believe. And more than anything, I was just so, sooooooooo about the whole thing and about him that I pretty much didn't think of anyone else but me and how I was feeling about him and whether or not he was thinking about me. I know. And I think it's inevitable - when you're with a person that you are in love with, they effect your thoughts and actions. You're learning a new dance, a new language of sorts...and it takes time to find all of the parts of you that you want to maintain. Sometimes it happens with every single person you meet, sometimes it just happens the very first time you really fall in love, sometimes it happens when it's been a while since you had butterflies. But I can't think of a single friend that it hasn't happened with at some point in time. People shift - even if just ever so slightly or ever so momentarily...they shift. It's from that feeling of never wanting to be away from this new force in your life. It's from wanting to know everything they know and believe and trying to figure out how it fits in with what you know and believe. It's from trying new things and being around new people that you find through this person and figuring out life a little more because of it all. And I think that most of the time, you shift back. You find your melody inside of the symphony that's now playing and you make sure that it plays loud and clear and that together, with the other person's melody, you create a lovely harmony.
Wow - that's sooooooooo cheesy. But what I mean to say is that eventually, you find your way back to you. And generally, your other relationships go back to the way they were - whether there was tolerance or intolerance, annoyance or understanding...things go back.
Except. I don't know. Except what if they don't? What if things DON'T go back to how they were before? What if things feel just a little different? What if you notice that there's that part of someone that was sort of tempered by their last partner but gets highlighted by this one...and it's a part that's really hard for you to swallow? Do you take a deep breath and hope that it will shift back? That it's just part of it all and that it's just taking longer? Do you accept that it might never shift back and that therefore, your friendship might shift permanently? Do you relinquish those expectations that you've grown to have over the years and years and years that you've know each other? Or do you just realize that the person is happy and it's not about you?
And it's not about you...it's them being them. Perhaps a part of them that you didn't love so much, but you took with the rest. But now that part is there more. At first you thought it was just a fluke. But then you realize that since this new relationship came into their life, you've loved being around them just a little less. And it's hard. It's really, really, painfully difficult. You feel selfish and unsupportive and you want them to be happy. But you miss the stuff that you...well...grew to expect.
I know it's selfish. And I know that this is who she is. This has always been a part of her. So I suppose my more self-aware choice would be to try understand why it's so hard for me to deal with this part of her. Why does it agitate me...what does it set off in me? And I'm looking at that too...because there's no bad that can come of that.
But I'm also coming to terms with the fact that people shift. And sometimes, they don't shift back. And then, you have to shift your expectations. Or become a Buddhist.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:33 PM
Labels: friends, musings on life
Great post and very true, this is my first time at your page and now I need to go back and read the rest, some previous postings, I think you're wonderful :)