Schizo
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I'm having one of those days where I wonder why everyone else can do it better than I can. It doesn't matter what it is...I'm just convinced that all the other smart (which I know I am), creative (which I know I am), and let's not forget cute (which I know I am) 20 and 30-something girls have done it better.
Sometimes I'm a comparer. I have worked hard to break myself of this habit because I know that we all go at our own pace. There's no use looking at someone else and asking why you haven't gotten where they are because they do it their way and you do it yours. The zen version is that we all have our own paths. I know this in my head. I have told other people 50 million times. But today it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself too. Everyone else seems to have done it better and I've done it all wrong.
I have told myself time and again that I just haven't found my niche yet. That when I do, I will skyrocket the way that I believe I have the potential to do. It's actually sort of excruciating...this feeling of knowing that you have so much to offer and not knowing where to place those offerings so as to make yourself the happiest and to do the best work you can possibly do.
And to top it off, I seem to have gotten judgmental of my writing and I look at other blogs and I think that theirs is so much better. More creative, funnier, more poignant, more interesting, more everything than mine is (and in that completely irrational moment, ever possibly could be.) And I have to remind myself that I am creative and interesting and those people are too and for Christ's sake IT'S NOT A FREAKING COMPETITION! And I get to learn from reading other blogs and get ideas and get inspired, NOT FEEL LESS THAN! Because how productive is feeling less than??? NOT AT ALL.
The funniest part of this whole cycle is that I then end up asking myself why I can't be a person who doesn't think this way and I'm berating myself for having these less than thoughts in the first place YET I'M STILL SITTING THERE BEING HARD ON MYSELF.
Perhaps by writing this cycle down, I've found a way to laugh at it. Reading it on the page makes it look that much more ridiculous. My head knows that all the time. That's why I wrote this post to begin with. Because I am actually aware of the fact that I'm doing NO good for myself. But emotionally, it's how I feel. And sometimes, no matter how smart my head is, my heart wins because my emotional side feels things more strongly than my head can think them.
Wow. I sound schizophrenic.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 12:33 PM
Labels: introspection
Hi friend! Real quick I wanted to let you know that I look forward -- every couple days-- to checking out your blog-- because I love you first and foremost, and because I love the way you write secondly. I'll have you know that I do not read many blogs-- on a regular basis-- and I certainly do not sit around each day reading through 5-6 blogs in a row and ranking them. In fact, I am pretty sure no one is doing that ;) People that read what you write do so because they like you and your voice-- and it stands alone-- because it's so uniquely YOU! Yes, I am biased-- but isn't that the best kind of love? Biased and personal and real? Not some random fan that truly doesn't care? Well, I can only speak for myself... but I wanted to make sure I spoke to you regardless.
And as for the self judging madness-- I know it well... this is just a new avenue with which to do so! If you weren't judging yourself blogging, you'd be judging yourself for something different (driving, cooking, teaching yoga, acting, writing singing, planning a wedding, etc)-- and that's unfortunately so relatable to many of us gals, me included-- but you've taken a great first step in recognizing a pattern and when it's being reproduced. So judge yourself kindly for doing that! And remind me when you see me doing it how silly I am being...