This black hole
Thursday, January 24, 2008

I come out of the bathroom stall in the poorly lit restroom and begin to wash my hands. I look up at myself in the mirror, admittedly to check and see whether or not I look cute, if the pimple on the lower right side of my face is getting better or worse, if I need a little lipstick. But instead, my eyes meet themselves in the mirror and I actually look at myself. Or into myself I suppose.


“You’re 30.” I hear one of the little me’s that sits on my proverbial shoulder say. (This is severely type A little me. The one that thinks I should have had a corner office and been running Hollywood by the time I was 29.) “What are you doing? What are you doing?” my mini-me screams. Literally screams inside my head. I hear it and I want to shut it out. I want to block my ears and not hear the screaming but that's impossible when the screamer is me.

I can’t come up with yet another reason why I'm still at my job. Why my Northwestern-educated, vivacious ass is still sitting in a cubicle. I am out of excuses that I have played off as actual legitimate reasons. All of these “reasons” are keeping me in a place where I am miserably waiting out my days for something else to come along and hit me over the head. I say that these reasons allow me to stay safe. But really, they allow me to be lazy.

I can feel the little me on my shoulder shaking her head, disappointed in me for so many reasons. For still being at this place, for not knowing what I want to do to make myself happy. She's disappointed that I'm not taking more initiative, demanding more of myself...demanding more for myself. She's asking me why I haven’t gotten myself out yet. So many times before I have had an answer for her. But with the arrival of the new year, I am out of these answers that are really excuses in answers' clothing. Excuses that hinder my happiness, keep me stagnant, allow me to stay safe. These answers keep me from taking risks, pushing the envelope. These answers don’t exist – CAN’T exist – any longer.

I realize I am no longer looking in the mirror. I am back in the stall that I came out of, allowing the tears to silently stream down my face. In a moment, I'll come out again and look in the mirror to see if I look cute, to see if the pimple on the lower right side of my face is getting better or worse, to see if I need lipstick.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:29 PM  

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2 comments:

Trixie3000 said... January 25, 2008 at 8:38 AM  

"Men spend their lives in anticipations,—in determining to be vastly happy at some period when they have time. But the present time has one advantage over every other—it is our own. Past opportunities are gone, future have not come. We may lay in a stock of pleasures, as we would lay in a stock of wine; but if we defer the tasting of them too long, we shall find that both are soured by age."-Charles Caleb Colton

You are beautiful in every way Michelle. You should not be trapped in a cubicle, you have too much to give. Stir it up a little! Things get boring and stagnant when they are too safe. Be brave and take the leap. What's the worst that could happen?

Anonymous said... January 25, 2008 at 12:57 PM  

you are such a beautiful writer. i love your blog and your honesty.i would love to read a book from you.

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