We do not remember days...
Monday, December 31, 2007
"We do not remember days, we remember moments." -- Cesare Pavase
I'm sure it's somewhat cliched to look back on the year on December 31st - so I'll be cliche. 2007 has been a gargantuan year. A bittersweet year. A life cycle year. A year of new beginnings and great endings. A year of moments.
Our wedding overlooking the mountains surrounded by love and light and everyone important in our lives.
The way the sun shone through the clouds on the day of my grandmother's funeral and the feeling of peace that I had with her death.
The news of several of my closest friends pregnancies - in Trader Joe's from Annie, in front of my house from Kelly, driving to work from Kate.
An Italian dinner at Frankie's that celebrated the women in my life.
Making my grandmother laugh in the hospital.
Sitting in Montalcino sucking up fat spaghetti with cherry tomatoes and garlic and olive oil with everything so fresh, you could practically taste the soil.
Days in LA where I missed New York so much that it actually hurt. And days where I was glad to be in the sunshine of Los Angeles instead of the cold and bleary days back east.
Days with friends that I never wanted to end.
So many moments - they run together. Some of them too wonderful for words and some of them too painful. It has been a year of wonderful new beginnings and difficult losses and painful lessons. And growth - it has most certainly been a year of growth. I have had a year of tremendous support from family and friends and a year where I've stopped realling knowing what the difference is between the two. It has been a year of getting to know myself in a way that I feel so much better for. So much stronger for. A year of learning to judge less and to understand more. A year of standing up for what I deserve. A year of saying goodbye to bad habits. A year of change.
When I think of 2007, and I think of that scene from Parenthood where the grandmother is talking about life being a rollercoaster with incredible ups and downs. That was 2007. A perfect swirl of colors and lights and sounds with the camera of my life just spinning and spinning.
But I must say, with the last month of 2007 has come tremendous peace and calm. And that's how I'll begin 2008. I wish all of you a year filled with dreams come true. A year filled with fantastic and beautiful moments.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:20 PM 0 comments
Labels: introspection
Have yourself...
Monday, December 24, 2007
It is Christmas Eve and I've gotten a moment of quiet. I took out the computer while it was there and now the quiet is gone. But I enjoy the noise nonetheless. I am alternating between English Breakfast tea and J Pinot Gris. The tree is lit with ornaments the colors of the sea. Appropriate considering we are south of Santa Barbara - about 5 minutes from Rincon Beach. The house is full of laughter and children's voices and different accents and fantastic smells. There's "White Christmas" playing on the stereo and soon it will be followed by a Bob Marley or U2 Christmas song - both of which I would have been able to think of that names if only you'd asked me two glasses of wine ago. We just ate some sort of tenderloin that was out of this world and mixed baby greens with dried cranberries and stilton and candied pecans and haricot verts with marcona almonds and lemon juice and baked potatoes with creme fraiche and butter and scallions. We've just realized that we left the bottle of pinot grigio in the freezer but we've gotten it out just in time. There are cookies going out for Santa - along with a pint of Guiness and a carrot for the reindeer.
Christmas is magic.
I describe this scene because I can't quite find the words to describe how I feel. And being surrounded by these Brits, I hear myself writing this and saying "Cah-n't" in my head...like you would say car. Do other people do that? Read their emails or their articles or their blogs in the voices that they imagine are authoring? I do.
Anyhow, I can't find the words. I hope that one day I'll become the writer that can transport you there to experience everything happening as it is in my world. But for now, I'm not certain I can do it justice. We are with close friends celebrating the holiday in their home - friends who are family.
I think of a year ago. My first Christmas Eve with Fin and Russell. It was just the four of us. We gathered in this newly built living room around the fireplace and ate on the floor and drank red wine. The only light was that of the Christmas tree - the first piece of furniture to enter the new home. We laughed and spoke of the year past and the year ahead. We weren't married yet. It was our first and only Christmas as fiances with all the hope and excitement of everything to come. We spent the evening wrapping gifts and eating the cookies and carrots left out. And laughing.
We were awoken by the kids the next morning at some ungodly hour in order to open presents. It was my first Christmas morning with children and it was fantastic. We awoke to "Santa's come! SANTA'S COME!!! Michelle, Matt, come ON!" Gifts were chosen and paper was torn apart and bicycles were ridden and forts were built and Christmas morning was the most fantastic thing ever.
And here we are again a year later. There's something different the second year. A building of tradition. A lovely ease. This time the house is filled with far more people and it appears that there's no last minute gift-wrapping (although it's only 8:45 and there are still children awake. But I'm not sure my less than stellar wrapping abilities would be enhanced any by the amount of wine I've consumed.) The house has been occupied for almost a year and we've even got our own room for when we come to stay. A whole year has past and dare I say it for fear of sounding like my great aunt Connie - the kids are a year older. And so are we.
A lot has happened in this past year. I'm grateful for this evening. The same place a year later...to look back and reflect. I can't describe how I feel - can't possibly do it justice. But the genius is that I'm with people that don't need to hear the words. They just know.
I hope your Christmas is filled with all the beauty and wonderment and reflection that you could possibly ask for.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:22 PM 0 comments
Labels: family, food and drink, friends, whilst drinking
20-something bloggers
Sunday, December 23, 2007
I have to admit, I feel like I missed out. As far as I can see, there's no such thing as 30-something bloggers. I even googled it just to be certain. There are plenty of blogs pertaining to 30-something, but no sort of community or group. There's only 20-something and I can't join. And it leaves me feeling - dare I say it - old. I was 20-something once. I had all sorts of life experiences too. I was single and dating. I could hold my liquor a whole lot better. I could live in an apartment the size of shoebox and not care less. I could live with reckless abandon. I could not know what I wanted and feel sort-of ok about it (as OK as a type A personality can feel). I was tormented (ok - sometimes still am) and drunk and free of most responsibility (although I didn't realize it then). And now, because I didn't write it down, I feel left out of a generation. But only sometimes.
There are days when I revel in 30. There are days when I am fully aware of the fact that I am just beginning to enter some of the best years of my life. They are the best because I know myself better than I did when I was in my 20's. In some ways, I'm clearer about what I want and in others, to be honest, I'm less clear. Although I'm way more willing to admit that now. I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I've got a wonderful husband and true home that I'm proud of and love spending time in. I've enjoyed getting older. Mostly. There are certainly night when I long for the New York City streets, bottles of tequila, great friends, and the mystery of the next bar. But then, don't we romanticize what's past? I remember those days with great fondness, forgetting the torment and the distress that was often a part of those years. It's easy to look back and remember the great. And while there are many moments that I have to remind myself of this, I truly believe we are meant to live in the now.
But I still feel a little left out. And perhaps it's just because there's still a part of me that's nostalgic. There's still a part of me that revels in those rare nights out where I can stay awake until 2 in the morning. I still enjoy the man that flirts with me even though there's no mystery or what if's that accompany it. When I get time with my girlfriends, I am proud to admit how much I depend on them - for advice, for companionship, for laughter. I often still feel like I'm in my 20's - but like a fine wine, a little better with time.
Still, I can't help but feel a little like I've been discriminated against. Just a little. Or perhaps it's just that I'd love another day in the life of a 20-something.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:27 PM 1 comments
Labels: drinking, introspection, musings on life, whilst drinking
An Ode to Peppermint Mochas
Friday, December 21, 2007
I am sitting here this morning on what is my last day in the office for the next week, sipping a peppermint mocha in pure bliss. It's not about the impending vacation, although I'm sure that's adding to my mood. It's the peppermint mocha. It lets me know that all is right with the world. Perhaps that sounds dramatic or exaggerated to you. But then my guess is that you have not had the joy of experiencing a peppermint mocha.
Peppermint mochas are my signal that the holiday season has arrived. I patiently drink regular mochas or lattes the rest of the year while I await the day when I see the deep red, snowflake covered Starbucks cup appear...signaling that it's that time of year. I take my first sip and the warm minty goodness slides down my throat, and I feel my entire body smiling from head to toe. I'm telling you. It's like liquid crack.
But perhaps my favorite part of the peppermint mocha is the fact that my love for this drink is shared with my two oldest friends who love it just as much as I do. Every year, like clockwork, an email goes out when one of us has partaken for the first time. And while it's rare that all three of us get to enjoy them in person together anymore, the phone calls to let each other know that we've just had one and thought of each other seem to come in a close second. There's nothing that makes me happier than the phone calls with what seems like potentially mundane news because in old friendships, it's anything but. Without fail I smile when I get these messages or see these emails in my inbox. I am reminded that I have friends that know me - truly KNOW me - and with whom the mundane is the most exciting of all because it keeps us up to date on the real life happenings no matter how close or far we live.
When we were 6, we ate potato latkes together in Hebrew school. When we were 8 and everyone else cut out Christmas trees in school, we were making Hanukkah bushes. When we were 13, we went shopping for our boyfriend's holiday gifts together. When we were 16, we made each other care packages to take on the plane for our respective holiday vacations filled not only with delicious treats but also with weeks worth of "notes" for our reading pleasure. When we were 18, we celebrated our first Christmas break home from college. When we were 24, we brought in the year 2000 together. And now that we're 32, we're sharing peppermint mochas. A lifetime of holidays spent together and the beauty is that, while we're no longer together physically, we'll always be together - even if just through a sip of peppermint mocha.
I raise my mocha to the two of you. Here's to the next 30 years of holidays together - be it in person, in spirit or in peppermint mocha.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 10:28 AM 1 comments
Labels: food and drink, friends
It's the most wonderful time of the year
Thursday, December 20, 2007
But the traffic sucks. And people driving aren't very much in any sort of holiday spirit. In fact, I would venture to say that the drivers in this town are the antithesis of the holiday spirit. I just witnessed all sorts of yelling and screaming and swearing (I tried to block my virgin ears...) Is it really that bad?
I've said it once, I'll say it again. I am not a fan of the city where one needs to own a car. Cars and driving cause all sorts of negative things, not the least of which are road rage, ill will toward others and long waits to get places.
I'm just sayin'.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:30 PM 0 comments
Labels: driving
rain + strike=grumpy
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
It's raining in LA and while my neighbor says it's good because we need it, apparently I've become addicted to the groundhog day-like sun that seems to greet me almost every morning. Usually it lasts for a day and we're done. We grumble and moan and don't leave for lunch and then we awake the next morning to the sun, reassuring us that all is well in the land of LaLa. So it poured yesterday. True to form, I had trouble getting out of bed. I felt lethargic and annoyed and my new haircut looked like shit. I went directly home after work. I did not pass go or go to yoga or meet a friend. I got into sweats and I planted myself on my couch and went to bed early, certain that I would awake to a new, bright, sunshine-y day.
But this morning didn't feel bright and sunshine-y. It was drizzly and overcast and that's where my mood is too. And besides the fact that it's supposed to rain AGAIN tomorrow, I can't help but attribute some of this to the fact that my brain is atrophying from lack of use due to this interminable strike attacking the land of entertainment. It's become a game of he said, she said and I don't know who's telling the truth and who's lying. (I'm sure both are doing both.) And quite honestly, I don't really care - I just want it to end. It feels like everything is in a holding pattern until this is over, including my ability to make decisions for myself about my wants and desires and my life. For a while, this has actually been good for me since I tend to spend such ridiculous amounts of time trying to figure out what I should do with my life and end up getting so overwhelmed and anxious about the whole thing that I never get anywhere. So I've sat with where I am. For the past 6 weeks, I've patiently sat with where I am. And I've mostly been OK with that. I've even enjoyed the challenge of slowing down my ever swirling brain. But these days I find myself staring blankly at the computer screen for far longer than I could ever imagine possible due to the lack of creative energy (or any energy for that matter) flowing through these halls. I find my fingers hovering idly over the keyboard waiting for something mildly interesting to flow out. I surf the web, looking for something, anything to bring me some ounce of mental stimulation. It's not that the stimulation I had pre-strike was so immense - but it was better than nothing which is what I've got now.
Today, I'm tired of it. Today, I can't sit where I am. Today, I want to move forward...catapult myself out of this cubicle and into the world that I am certain I belong in if I could only figure out what it is. I know it is fulfilling and intellectually stimulating and challenging. I know it has me excited to get out of bed in the morning. I know it has me doing something that feels good. Something that fills me up so that my head doesn't have to spin because it's busy taking care of the things that are demanded of me.
And I think about that and I look at where I am, where I have been, and those pictures don't match. They aren't those two pictures sitting side by side that challenge you to look closely to figure out what's different. They are drastically different pictures.
I met a healer about a month ago by happenstance. She was helping make a documentary for which my husband was being interviewed. We spoke for a little while about not much at all and then she looked at me and said, "You need to work on your fifth chakra - it's your chakra of communication and creativity."
"Interesting," I responded, mildly skeptical of her assessment.
"Once you open up your fifth chakra, you'll figure out what you want to do with your life. You'll know."
I looked at her, my eyes open wide like a child's. How on earth did she know that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life? And not in a casual, "Well, someday I'll figure it out" sort of way...In an "it plagues me that I don't know" sort of way. She understood that...saw it in me.
I started this post to bitch about the rain. I erased about 10 things that I wrote, unable to find any sort of flow or value in my words. Until I decided to stop censoring and just write. The beauty of a day like this is that I had no idea that this is where this post would go or that it was even what I was thinking or feeling. The beauty of a day like this is that I have been reminded that I need to work on my fifth chakra.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:30 PM 1 comments
Labels: introspection, meltdowns
Carole had it right
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
My thighs jiggle a little side to side. Doesn't that mean I'm human and alive? I've had men tell me I look great when I feel ten pounds overweight and that I was too skinny once upon a time. Others may whisper that I've gained a little weight and wonder whether or not it will come off at a later date.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I look at myself bearing all in the mirror and I know I can choose - beauty or distaste. For years I chose to see all that was wrong. I could never see a beautiful woman with a strong body and a strong will. I saw curves in all the wrong places. I wished for small where there was bigger and bigger where there was small. I couldn't appreciate the way things hung, the way things swung. But I finally learned to embrace the body that is my home. And in doing so I can listen to what feels good- like yoga and breath and finishing a hike and sometimes a couple of glasses of wine. And I know that when I feel strong I feel good and beautiful. Because I am. I am a woman. I have hips that sway and shoulders that show strength and a waist that shows femininity. I am not perfect. But my imperfection is perfectly human. And real. And beautiful.
I have curves and for that I do not have to apologize. Or lose weight. I am a real woman. And I like and embrace it some days and other days I don't and wish I was straighter and longer and leaner and meaner. Some clothes fit me perfectly and others look awful. What wasted time I spent trying to make my body fit certain clothes rather than knowing what clothes fit my body. Wouldn't it be boring if we all looked good in everything?
I wish and hope that someday my daughter will look in the mirror and know she's beautiful because of who she is. Because she will be - curvy or lean, short or tall, whatever she may be. I want to teach her to love herself and embrace all of her "differences" and to KNOW that she is beautiful.
We are all different and there is no standard of beauty we should conform to. We should live by the desire to feel strong and healthy and empowered and comfortable in our own skin. Your thighs are beautiful because they are yours. And they help you to sit down and stand up and dance. If you don't like them, then recognize why. Is it because you don't fit into an ideal or because you aren't taking care of yourself? There is a difference that it seems very few are taught in this day and age of thin=good. Inevitably when I don't feel good about myself, it has nothing to do with my weight. It has to do with what I'm putting in my body and whether or not I'm taking care of it the way I like to. And when I start to do the things that make me feel good, I don't notice what I look like so much as I notice that I feel strong and empowered.
If someone hasn't told you lately, know that you are beautiful. Because in the words of the great Carole King:
You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart.
Then people gonna treat you better.
You're gonna find (yes you will)
That you're beautiful as you feel.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:45 PM 2 comments
Labels: conscious living
I know. It's just a blog.
Monday, December 17, 2007
I've been working on this new look all day. I finally decided that I had to let go and move forward. I know it's just a blog. But I liked it the way it was.
I eventually came up with what you are currently looking at and it's just fine. Because at the end of the day, as I was reminded last Friday, it's the words that count.
But for this moment, I have no more words. I have been depleted by this crap. I am not digitally inclined. I remember feeling incredibly proud of myself when I first set up my blog. I had figured out how to do what was probably basic to most but for me, was quite an accomplishment.
This time I just felt pissed. Especially because everything that I'd worked so hard for was inexplicably taken away. I KNOW. It's just a blog. But it's MY BLOG. And I spent hours on Friday and again this morning trying to get it back to it's original look. I wasn't excited the way I had been the first time. I got more and more frustrated and exacerbated until it became clear to me that I couldn't really think anymore. I realized I was having a meltdown over a blog and I decided to let it go. Because it is just the look of my blog.
I used up all of today's brain power and then some. So tomorrow, I'll write something prolific.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:35 PM 1 comments
annoying.com
Friday, December 14, 2007
This whole layout thing has my panties in a bunch. I know it's ridiculous but it's made me realize how attached I've become to my blog. It's a bit of my identity. And now I've lost my Hollywood sign and I experimented with so many at the beginning of this thing that I can't figure out which one I used. And the header is too small for it even if I could figure it out and I'm just PISSED OFF ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.
It's just that sort of day. I'm going to throw in the towel. You don't need to read a rant of a post about nothing. And I'm too annoyed to focus. But in honor of my disaster, I've made my blog black for the time being.
Right now is about the only time I'm glad there's a strike. Because I'll obviously have plenty of time to deal with this.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:11 PM 2 comments
Labels: daily
Technical difficulties - for real this time
I don't know what happened to the design of my blog...the bottom of the Hollywood sign got cut off and I tried to fix it and, well...if this page is pink right now, then you can see what happened...
I'm not particularly digitally inclined. But I'm working on it. Because this ain't pretty...
UPDATE- I don't know what happened. One moment my blog looked fine and now my header's a bona fide disaster. I'm working on it...because those of you who know me know that while I am clear that the substance is on the inside...I still like to look good.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:29 PM 0 comments
The day before the slush
Thursday, December 13, 2007
There's a snow storm on the east coast. I always loved the day it snowed in New York. The city looked and felt so gorgeous and serene covered in blankets of fresh, pure white snow. No matter that the following day it all turned to hell what with huge puddles of gross, dirty slush everywhere. The day it snowed was just...magical.
I have many memories of New York snow days -- drinking wine at noon, bundling up to walk down the street to the bar on the corner on New Year's Eve day, Sex and the City marathons at 135 Perry Street, kissing on the sidewalk surrounded by white, cuddled under covers watching bad movies and wearing warm turtlenecks, cozy dinners at Freddy's with the white showers falling outside -- to name a few.
Somehow it always feels warmer outside when it's snowing. If it were colder it would be sleet or even perhaps be too cold for anything to drop from the sky. But it's not too cold and the beautiful little snow caps fall to the ground. Warm enough to spend some time taking a walk through the West Village with hat and scarf and mittens, sipping hot chocolate or hot coffee. Warm enough to throw just a few snowballs. Warm enough to catch a snowflake on your tongue before you run back into the heat of your small but perfect New York apartment where you'll order in Thai or Indian and sip port and watch the inches pile up.
And isn't it funny that no matter how special the people that you spend snow days are to you, they become ten times more special when you're huddled inside together as snow falls outside. Whether it's a friend or a husband or a new found crush, snow days and snow moments are impossibly romantic.
Ahhhhh -snow days. New York is such a fun and fantastic winter wonderland.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:58 PM 2 comments
See no evil
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Over the weekend it became physically necessary for me to spend time with others with my eyes closed. Long story short (because this isn't what this post is about) on Saturday morning, I squirted Dr. Bronner's Lavender soap directly into my eye. Undiluted. It was painful. Excruciatingly painful. I attempted to care for it but it got increasingly worse as the day progressed, despite my continued eye flushing. However, I was unwilling to take myself out of the fun equation (because Sharon is a self-proclaimed "fun machine" and I have to admit...it's true) so I continued to participate in a large portion of Saturday's activities despite the fact that it pained me to see.
The point iiiiiiiiiiiiiis that over the weekend I spent extended periods of time with others with my eyes closed. No big deal. Right? Wrong.
Interestingly enough, I found it to be a very big deal. I know that it is said that when you lose one of your senses, be it temporarily or permanently, your others become stronger. It didn't feel that way for me. Perhaps it was because I was so uncomfortable that everything just started to fade away. The first time I closed my eyes was at lunch. There were four of us at the table and I was sitting in between two people. I got to the point where I realized I was far more comfortable with both eyes closed completely, so this is what I did. And all of a sudden, I felt outrageously removed from the same exact situation that I'd been in milliseconds earlier. In a pure physical sense, I literally couldn't hear the conversation as well. And from an emotional standpoint, it felt like I was eavesdropping. I truly felt like I was no longer a part of the group that I was sitting with. Simply because I couldn't see them.
I pried my eyes open and immediately was jolted back into a sense of belonging. And a sense of pain...so I closed my eyes again and sat with it.
Throughout the remainder of the weekend, I chose to close my eyes at moments. At one point, I was alone with another person...just the two of us...and so I knew that their words were directed to me. I still felt involved. But when we were in a group, I continually felt removed.
Several things have struck me about this, not the least of which is how grateful I am for all of my senses. Although I'd like to believe that I'm not the kind of person to take things for granted, the truth is that I do. I think that most of us tend to take things that are our "norm" for granted. And sight has certainly always been my norm. I've lost my appetite at times or my sense of smell (and consequently my sense of taste) because of a cold. But I've never had my sight taken away from me without CHOOSING to give it up. And I've never thought about it in this way. Of course you think about the beauty of the world that you have the opportunity to see every day...but I never thought about how it would effect me in other ways. Probably because I had no idea how it would effect me in other ways. I could have never imagined that not being able to see would leave me feeling removed from a conversation or a moment. And I find it both fascinating and humbling that it did.
Further, what is striking me as I'm writing in this moment is the fact that I'm not always the best listener. When I have something to say, I feel the urge to say it RIGHT THEN. I don't know if I feel scared that I'm going to lose my thought or if I just feel the need to be heard. I have become increasingly aware of this habit of mine. But this past weekend I was essentially forced to listen. Something about looking at a person makes me feel more freedom to interrupt. But I wasn't looking at anyone and so I lost that feeling. And I'm thinking that this is something that I should work very hard to take with me from this point forward.
I've often talked about listening more. In my head, I know it's much more valuable than talking. But old habits die hard. I think it's time to kill this one. To really see each person as I hear what they say - and to recognize that being able to experience them fully - to see them, to hear them, to feel their energy - is a gift. One that shouldn't be taken for granted.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:54 PM 0 comments
Labels: life lessons
Girlfriends
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
There was an article in the New York Times about 5 years ago. I've looked for it time and again and can't seem to find it. It talked about a hormone that is only released from female friendships and how romantic relationships don't fill the same needs as female friendships. I am positive this is true. Of course, romantic relationships fulfill other emotional needs that friendships alone can not. But I could never live with solely a romantic relationship. I am a person who needs my girlfriends (slash my gay friends who are essentially my girlfriends in sheep's clothing.)
So it makes sense that I felt like I was coming down from a great high when I got to my empty home last night. It's a bizarre comparison but it's accurate. It feels like I've come down. I had a home filled with people all weekend - most notably one of my oldest and dearest girlfriends. When I got home last night, that hormone, whatever it's called, was gone. (Not to mention that my husband has been back in NYC for the week, so it was genuinely empty.)
I don't know why it is, but I don't get time with my girlfriends here like I got in New York. I think that part of it is because Los Angeles is more spread out which makes it more difficult than NYC. In New York, I could meet a friend for a glass of wine for an hour before we both went to a dinner...or I met them for dinner...or sometimes even after dinner. There were a few friends that I saw at least 2 or 3 times a week. It was easy - no one had to get in a car to drive anywhere. And we all lived within 15 minutes of each other...walking.
I also could connect with most anyone, anywhere via the phone during the evenings. If I had a night at home, I could get on the phone with a friend in Chicago or LA or Atlanta or San Fransisco or Boston or New York. But now it's usually too late to connect with the east coast or midwest when I'm done with work. The time difference makes it insanely difficult to get people on the phone or for people to get me on the phone, for that matter. Even on the weekends - their early evening is my middle of the day.
And then there's the fact of sheer numbers. Quite simply, I have a lot more really close friends in New York most of whom have known me at least ten years. I only have one friend out here who's known me for more than four (and that includes my husband.) And I am immensely grateful for my newer friendships, for the ones that I have often don't feel new. They feel warm and familiar and safe. But it takes time to cultivate the comfort that one has with their oldest friends.
Maybe I just miss my friends in New York. Not only do I miss my friends in New York, but I miss the frequency with which I felt the opportunity to connect with all of my friends in general. I crave that hormone more than I get it...but this weekend I got a hefty, wonderful overdose. And it's not something that I ever want to detox from.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:27 PM 0 comments
Labels: friends
Food for thought
Monday, December 10, 2007
According to Self magazine, LA was voted the city where you were most likely to suffer from depression. Hmmm. More on this later. When I can see properly again.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 5:12 PM 0 comments
Labels: LA rant
Tomorrow is a new day
Tomorrow we will return to our regularly scheduled program but for now, I can't look at a computer screen any longer due to the fact that I squirted Dr. Bronner's soap in my eye on Saturday. I know. It's ridiculous. I'm seeing the eye doctor tomorrow.
Have a great night.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:40 PM 0 comments
In Style
Friday, December 7, 2007
"They say nothing lasts forever. Dreams change. Trends come and go...But friendships never go out of style."
That, my friends, is the opening voice over from the trailer for the Sex and the City movie. And it couldn't have come at a more apropos time.
I decided to move to Los Angeles at the same time that Carrie Bradshaw moved to Paris. I was still living in New York when the finale aired but I was out in LA visiting my betrothed before he was that... I watched the entire episode with tears streaming down my face. It was the end of an era -- Sex and the City was ending and so was my time in New York. My life had often mirrored Carrie's sans the 50+ pairs of Manolos and Jimmy Choos. And yes, I'm aware that 1 million other women, New Yorker or otherwise, feel the same way. But I bet you'd be harder pressed to find as many people that faced the dilemma of moving away from their beloved city at the same exact time that Carrie did.
It was a double whammy - I felt like I was losing not one, but TWO of my closest friends.
So it's ironic that on the same day that I get to hear that fabulous voice over again that so often forecasted the goings on in my life, one of my best friends (shall we call her the Samantha to my Carrie?) is visiting Los Angeles. She's only been here for about 18 hours, but already, I feel more at home. I've been in Los Angeles for a little over three years - and in that time, I've not had nearly enough time with Sharon. And while so much has changed, some things have stayed the same. And our friendship is one of them. So yes - dreams DO change and trends absolutely come and go...but there are certain friendships that never, EVER go out of style.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 11:24 AM 1 comments
Innocence Lost
Thursday, December 6, 2007
At approximately 9:30 last night, I took Thursday out for her last walk of the evening. She jaunted down the street and I deeply inhaled the cool night air. While I'm generally fairly tired by the time we perform this evening ritual, I've learned to enjoy this time of night - sort of a final farewell to that day. A chance to go over that day's events and emotions before I put the day to rest.
We took our normal evening route - down one side of our street, across the street, and up the other side. I was lost in my own thought, enjoying the feel of the cool night air. About 1/4 of the way up the other side of the street, Thursday started barking. I looked and saw nothing there. But then I looked down. There, in the gateway to one of our neighbors homes, was a pair of shoes. Upon closer examination, I found that these shoes were on feet that were attached to a body that was lying limply across the pathway to this home. I couldn't see a face and I was so taken aback that I couldn't possibly imagine what it was that I was supposed to do in that moment. It was dark out on a very quiet street. We live in a perfectly nice neighborhood but it's not with out it's share of homeless people that visit now and again. And I was on this street at 9:30 at night all by myself...this was not a New York block where I would have generally been in the company of at least 3 or 4 other people at any given time (although I must admit, that upon examination, I can't say that I would have been any less taken aback/sort of scared if I'd been in New York).
Thursday and I quickly crossed the street and cut the walk short to tell my husband what had just occurred.
"What do I do? I feel like an awful person. I wanted to see if they were ok, to ask if they needed help...but it's dark and I was by myself and what if they were crazy or it was a scam?"
He quickly assured me that I'd done the right thing and that we should call the police. They would come and either way, they would take care of the situation.
And that's exactly what happened. He called the police and within a matter of minutes, an ambulance pulled up in front of the house. From what we could glean from watching from up the block and across the street, the person was awoken by the EMT's and was able to stand up with some assistance from them. They spoke for some time and then it looked as though said person was escorted into the home. So we gathered that this person had been walking into their home and had passed out or had some sort of episode or something and had been lying unconscious in front of their house.
I have been thinking about this non-stop since last night. Because I hate that I didn't just bend down and ask this person if they were ok. That seems like the natural and human thing to do. It seems like it should have been my first instinct. But my first instinct was to get scared. I felt upset last night because the man, though a stranger, was in genuine need of help. My husband reminded me that's exactly what we did. We helped. Without putting ourselves in a direct line of danger. But I still feel sad for the fact that I live in a world where I have to think twice before I help someone lying on the ground in my own neighborhood. It just doesn't seem right.
It gets me thinking a lot of things about the "world" we live in. And then I feel like I've gotten so old that I'm now the one thinking about these things. It's a beautiful world but it's also a scary world at times. How do you find a balance? How do you take the knowledge that we all have about the world and the many different kinds of people in it and still be the kind stranger?
And so last night my evening walk was not about closure. It was not a chance to put the days events to rest. Instead it was the opportunity to question the way I look at the world and to try to understand it in a new way.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:19 PM 3 comments
Labels: musings on life, neighborhoods
A bonafide Hoover
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
I'm sorry. It's 5:41 and I haven't done much of anything, including coming up with something brilliant to write about here. These days these halls are a vacuum of creativity. I have excessive time on my hands but any ounce of creativity that courses through my veins is literally sucked out through my ears before it reaches my brain. My suspicions that too much time on my hands is my worst enemy are true. The busier I am, the more productive I am. The less I have to do, the less I do.
Tomorrow is a new day. And perhaps I'll have something interesting to say then.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 5:41 PM 0 comments
Chemistry
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
I've been thinking a lot lately about a conversation I had with my husband and a friend a few weeks back. Talk of NYC led to the revelation of an interesting observation made recently by my mother in law. She had asked my husband if he felt I was at all different in LA. Not different in a hugely noticeable way - just a bit less...excited. My husband actually said to me, "Do you feel like you've lost any of your spark in LA?"
I sat in silence for a moment, pondering his inquiry.
Now, upon initial reading, some might take offense to this question. But it actually gave me a huge sense of relief, for I have felt ever so slightly different in LA from the moment I arrived. Initially, I chalked it up to the newness of the circumstances...moving to a new place at almost 28 (especially across the country) was daunting. Add the fact that I was moving without a job to be with a boy to whom I was not betrothed and mix well with a splash of neurotic Jewish nature and a dash of occasional anxiety. As you can imagine from this recipe, the transition was not an easy one. But I slowly settled in and got used to my new place of residence (which I still fear I will never call home) and patiently waited to, well, quite frankly feel like ME again. But three years and a few months later, I find myself still waiting...
At times I've wondered if its just that I've gotten older. Or if perhaps this "spark" that I felt I had was a figment of my imagination. I've wondered if that small feeling that I was special was pompous. I've thought about this intensely and frequently because I haven't been able to understand how a city can have the power to take that away from you. Could it actually be possible that New York City had the power to give me such a small but noticeable kick in my step?
So when it was said out loud - acknowledged by another person that I truly DID have that spark in New York and that I was just a little bit without it now...well...I felt relieved. I felt relieved to know that I hadn't been pompous or delusional - that it really was missing from me in LA. And FURTHER, it seemed that my husband had also noticed the fact that the second I stepped on Manhattan concrete, the zip was back in my step, the twinkle in my eye.
For the time being we're still in LA. Moving back exists only in discussions of what ifs and possibilities. Bit having the LA sparkless version of me acknowledged has made me ever so slightly more comfortable with it. Because at the end of the day, certain chemicals just don't create a spark. And while I seem to spark like a firecracker with New York City, my reaction to Los Angeles is just more mellow.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:55 PM 0 comments
Labels: musings on life, NYC, west coast prejudice
Lighter with less
Monday, December 3, 2007
I've always wanted to be one of those completely self-motivated people. The ones who can just decide that they are going to do something and it gets done. It seems to me that for certain people there are never any excuses or overrides or not knowing how...ever. But that's not me and that's OK. I need a system or a regimen or guidelines of some sort.
About 2 months ago, I walked into Jamba juice after a yoga class and was looking through the books that you always look at while you wait for your Pomegranate Paradise but never actually buy. My eyes glazed over the normal selection about taking care of your body and eating wholesome foods. But then this book popped out at me - there was a white glow surrounding it and I swear - it floated off of the shelf and into my hands and led me up to the counter. That day I went home with my Pomegranate Paradise and a new book:Clear You Clutter with Feng Shui.
It took me a while to really get into the book. I was excited about the idea of it, but naturally, I decided that actually CLEARING my clutter couldn't happen until I'd read the book. What if I did it wrong? What if there was something more for me to learn? And if I didn't have time to sit down and read the book, how would I possibly be able to find the time to clear my clutter? See? No discipline.
But last week, on vacation, I finished the book (I even read some sections twice and if you happen to pick up this book, you'll see that it's small and maybe 125 pages - an outrageously easy read. So this "finishing of the book" was no great feat...I'm just good at making excuses.) And since I finished, I've been totally inspired. So I've gone on a rampage of the best possible kind. I'm getting rid of all the crap that's been sitting in my house, my life, for the past however many years untouched, unused, unworn. There are things that traveled 3000 miles across the country - from NY to LA, from my sublet to my apartment to my current home. They made the cut every time despite the fact that I hadn't used them in years. But no more. It's almost like I can see for the first time. I KNOW! It sounds totally dramatic but I'm telling you!!! All of a sudden I'm not screwing around - it's been easy. This stays, that goes...no second thoughts, no question.
Perhaps I just needed a few rules, a few guidelines to get me into a disciplined mode. I feel like a mad woman - as soon as one drawer or shelf is done, I'm eagerly searching for the next one to go through. I'm on a mission. Because I feel AMAZING. It's like everything I get rid of gives me more energy, makes me feel happier. (I know my father is reading this thinking I've totally lost it, but I'm telling you -- it's TRUE!!!!) It leaves room for me to appreciate the things that I truly want to have. And the truth is, why should any of us have anything in our lives other than what we TRULY want to have? I'd rather have two things I loooooooooove with all my heart and soul than 20 that are just ok. Isn't that how it works anyhow? You wear the things you love ALL the time while the rest sit in your closet, and occasionally get a glimpse of the outside world because you feel like you "should" wear it. So I've decided that my home, my life, should only be filled with things I love.
Isn't that how it should be?
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:42 PM 1 comments
Labels: books, musings on life
