A tale of a Britney hit and run
Thursday, September 27, 2007
I didn't intend to make the end of this week about driving, but after my evening last night, I feel obligated to discuss the insanity of the people in this town. Now, I am not claiming that there are not insane people in other towns. In fact, I'm sure there are people who would classify yours truly as "one of those insane New Yorkers." But we are talking a whole new level here...
Beware of accidents in this town, people. Know your rights, know what to do when you're in an accident, and don't lose the ability to think on your feet. "What is wrong with this girl?" you are asking yourself. "We know what to do when we get into accidents."
Yes. But do you know what to do when you get into accidents with CRRRRRRAAAAAAAZZZZY people???? You might think you do. But trust me, you don't.
Last night, I left my office at approximately 6:15. My friend, Nancy Cho* (*all names have been changed to protect the innocent) was following me home. She had to pick up her puppy, Toast*, who was playing with our puppy, Tuesday*. I got into my car which was conveniently parked in the guest parking section of the insert studio name here parking lot (parking at studios and networks is a whole other topic to be discussed at a much later date...or perhaps, never.) Anyhow, there was crazy traffic in the parking lot because Dancing with the Stars had just finished taping their results show (sorry Josie Maran. You should have taken some advance lessons, lady). Nancy and I opted to leave a different way so we could avoid the traffic. I looked behind me and the coast was clear, so I put the car in reverse. Like most good drivers (which I don't exactly claim to be...but I at least drive by the rules) I looked behind me as I was backing up. I've barely backed up a foot when I see a silver car barreling through the parking lot toward me. Did I mention that we're in a parking lot? And this person is EAAAAASILY driving 35 mph. I quickly step on the brake and lay on the horn at the same time. There's definitely not time for me to put the car in drive and move forward but I'm thinking that the fact that I'm laying on the horn and that this person is still a swervable distance away will keep me safe. As I'm looking at this car FLYING toward me, I realize that I recognize the driver!!! It's Leaf*, the sort of crazy but also sweet, mildly Britney Spears-like assistant from down the hall at work. I smile. I like Leaf. And surely Leaf will see me or hear me and stop...
BAM.
Um. Apparently not. I sit there in shock for a moment. "She just freaking hit my car. Holy Shit." I see the silver Honda Accord stopped a little past where I am parked. The brake lights are on and there is no one getting out of the car. But the car is stopped. I get out of my car and walk over to see what happened. I look at the rear of my car, and thankfully, there is a mild scrape on my bumper. Nothing terrible. OK, this is fine. This is good. ESPECIALLY GOOD BECAUSE AS I LOOK UP FROM MY CAR TO THE PLACE WHERE THE SILVER HONDA ACCORD WAS STOPPED, I SEE IT PULLING AWAY.
"HEY!" I scream. "HEEEEEEEY!"
At this moment I see that I am currently standing in front of Nancy Cho's car. I see this because she is honking at me and motioning for me to move toward her. I think that she wants me to come over to her window to tell her what happened, so this is what I do.
"Did you see that?" I scream. "DID YOU SEE HER???"
"MOVE!" Nancy said. "I'm going after that person!!! They just hit and run you!!!!"
Nancy, it turns out, had seen the entire thing.
"NO!" I said in complete and utter disbelief. "You don't have to go after them. I know who it was. It was Leaf!"
"What?"
"IT WAS LEAF. LEAF JUST HIT ME AND RAN!! WHAT THE HELL!"
Nancy and I sit and stare for a moment.
"Are you ok? Are you hurt? She totally hit your car! She just drove right into it."
In that moment, I was extremely grateful that someone else had seen what had happened to me. Because I've gotta be honest with you, the whole thing was so ridiculously insane, that it seemed possible that I hadn't processed what had happened properly. I mean, how is it possible that:
1. A person drives through a very full parking lot where there are constantly pedestrians at 35 miles per hour.
2. This person is so clearly not looking in front of them that they don't see STOPPED CAR LOUDLY HONKING FOR AT LEAST 10 seconds.
3. SAID PERSON HITS CAR AND PLUM DRIVES AWAY!!!!
I'll tell you how this happens. It happens in LA, where people actually think that "Hey, Britney did it...so can I!"
Back on track. My car is barely damaged. Our dogs are at the house waiting. And I'm not going to press charges. I mean, I know this girl. I even like this girl. And it has seemed to me on more than one occasion that perhaps she doesn't have the best judgment (you think Michelle?) so tomorrow morning I will go into the office and kindly tell her that 1. you have to drive more slowly in the parking lot and 2. you can't hit and run because if I hadn't realized it was you, I would have called the cops.
But before I decide that I'm going to be calm and lovely toward this person, I call my friend Roxanne*, who is still in the office and tell her what happened. Roxanne is up in arms for me (and rightfully so, I might add.) She tells one other person because she is in such utter disbelief and before you know it, the whole hall knows that I have just been the victim of a Britney hit and run.
Cut to this morning. Upon my arrival in the office, I learn that there has already been some issues regarding my aforementioned hit and run. "How?" you might ask. "You haven't even gotten to the office yet." Wait. Ooooooooooooooooooh wait.
Apparently, Leaf was late arriving at her desk that morning. And her colleague was annoyed because she didn't know where she was. When she finally found out, she announced out loud, "Leaf was down at security reporting that someone hit her last night." Roxanne hears this and jumps up. "Hit her? Someone HIT HER??? Uh uh. No. NO WAY. That is NOT what happened. Bitch hit and ran Michelle!!!" (ok - that's not what she said. But isn't that more colorful than "No she didn't. She hit Michelle.)
So now, not only is everyone talking about how Leaf hit me and ran, but that she then LIED to security about it as well. Keep in mind that at this point, Leaf has no idea that the person that she hit is ME.
I wasn't here. I don't know what happened, but apparently, some shit went down regarding my car accident. So when I got into the office I had the following email from Leaf (please note that the italics are my comments in my head upon reading the email):
So, I guess we collided yesterday. I didn’t know that we hit until I got home. (WHAT??) I didn’t hear or feel anything. (UMM HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE) Anyway, I came in right away this morning and reported it to security and they have all my info and insurance and are looking it up on the cameras. If you want to trade info that’s perfectly okay with me. I’m sure we can work this out just fine.
I sigh deeply and then I venture toward Leaf's desk. I am telling myself to stay calm. Despite the fact that this girl is a hit and runner. Despite the fact that she lies. Despite the fact that she is clearly a LUNATIC...I want to remain calm.
"Hi. Let's talk"
"OK. But can we please go somewhere because there has already been all sorts of drama about this this mornin' and Ah don't want everyone all up in our business. We can go in that office right there. It's empty."
(Little did I know that the office that she took me into is the temporary office of our head of Interactive for when he's here from NY...like, a BIG head honcho. And HE'S CURRENTLY HERE. In LA. So everyone is standing outside going "what is she doing?" Thankfully, he was in a meeting...)
Anyhow...I was lovely and sweet. Even as this crazy little girl sat and lied to my face. She started out by saying that she asked security for video tapes so they could see a license plate and who was at fault.
I said, "Leaf, there's no question. You were at fault. I wasn't moving." I said it very sweetly and I cushioned it with the fact that there was very little damage to my bumper- just a couple of scrapes that I didn't need fixed. (I'm thinking that she sort of side swiped me and has a nice big scrape on the front of her car...but I made out OK.)
When I said this to her, she did not protest. Not a peep. "And you were going REALLY fast in the parking lot."I said.
"Ahhhh was?" (She's southern)
"You were. And you're really lucky it was me you hit. Because hit and run is a felony. Anyone else would have called the cops and you would have been in a lot of trouble."
"But ah didn't even know that ah hit you! Ah sweeeeeeear. Ah didn't feel a thang!"
"Really?" I said. "Cuz I felt a lot of things." (one of which was that I wanted to tear you a new asshole this morning...)
"Reeeeally. Ah can't believe it. Ah didn't even know we hit until ah got home last night. Ah came in early this morning to talk to security. Ah swear."
I looked at this girl and realized that I was going to get nowhere with her...and what was the point? She wasn't trying to claim that I hit her...in fact, her story changed during the course of the conversation from reporting to security that she'd been hit to then saying we collided to total submission when I told her that, hands down no question, she hit me. I said my piece. I was done.
No one at work can believe I was so nice. Roxanne and Nancy Cho couldn't believe that I let her off so easy.
But she didn't try and argue with me once I told her that she hit me. If she had, I'd have gone ghetto on her ass.
I have another accident story that I was going to talk about tonight as well...another craaaaaaazy lady who tried to take me for all I'm worth (which at the time, was not very much). But I'm exhausted from telling you this one. So the crazy Asian lady will have to wait for another day.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:43 PM
Labels: driving
hahah i love it... great story. and Leaf is the perfect name. wow. amazing...
michelle. i love you and i love how you handled this and... what a great retelling. i was laughing while reading and it's not funny, really, which is why i just love you. this blog is great. yay! now i have to call and find out what her real name is. tree? sky? it's something like that, right? tell tuesday that brandonlee and stanielle say hi. ;)
luv ur blog. Ah sweeeeeeear
xo, leaf
"I didn’t hear or feel anything."
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xoxo santiagito