Far
Monday, September 24, 2007
Last night I flew 6 hours back to Los Angeles from an extremely brief weekend with my parents. I stood on the sidewalk outside the American Airlines terminal and stared at the airport. Hadn't I just arrived there one day ago? Was I seriously leaving already?
I didn't want to come back to LA. And it's not because I don't like Los Angeles. I like Los Angeles just fine. Is it my favorite place in the world? No. But it doesn't have to be. I like it here. I'm happy here. The weather is great, I've made some terrific friends, we have a great home. It will never be New York - but it doesn't have to be. It's Los Angeles. Apples and oranges, baby.
I didn't want to come back to LA because it's far. It's far, far away from at least 80% of the people that I love. It's far away from both of our parents, from our siblings, from our three nephews. It's far away from my grandmother and our aunts and uncles and cousins. It's far away from most of my closest and oldest friends. And it's not just a little far. It's really fucking far. It's really hard to go home for a weekend far. It's not driveable far. It's impossible to be there for important occasions far. It's miss people so much that it actually hurts far.
And sure - there are tons of things that are annoying about Los Angeles - especially for this New Yorker. But they're just annoying. They're fun to pick at and look at and it's fun for me to figure out ways to feel at home in a place that's so far away from mine. But none of that stuff makes me unhappy. It's all liveable and dealable. It's the proximity of Los Angeles to New York and the east coast(or lack there of) that makes me unable to truly love and embrace living in Los Angeles. And I feel totally perplexed. Because I'm not really sure how to get over this or past this or whatever it is that I'm supposed to do in order to be able to live in Los Angeles and be happy here. How can you be truly happy when you can't be around SO many of the people that help to ground you, that make you laugh, that keep you safe, that love you no matter what? And especially in this town, where you need those things more than ever...how do you embrace living in a place that is painfully far away from the people that you want to be near?
I know that people do it all the time. I know that this is not some new phenomenon that I'm experiencing. And I know that I should be an adult and suck it up and get over it. But no matter how hard I try, there is a place in my soul that feels empty being 3000 miles away from all of these people...
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:17 PM
Labels: homesick, musings on life
Hey Michelle, I've yet to comment on here since you started but I feel as though this might be something I can speak to.
I've been here for just a shade over 6 years now and I'm from NY so I know what you're going through.
For the first four years I felt like I was visiting here and not actually living here. Part of it has to do with the fact that I came out the summer after college so it has (in a way) still felt like that summer vacation cause the seasons haven't changed...not like they used to anyway.
December before last I was at home, trying to carry 30 lbs of uncooked filet into our house with my arms as I held my company blackberry to my ear with my shoulder and tried to navigate an obscene amount of steps while my boss at the time yelled at me for whatever was wrong at that moment. For some reason it was at that moment that I felt like I wasn't at home.
Not the sweetest of stories I know and I think I just wanted to get back because I just couldn't really do my job from here but I realized that that particular moment was the first time I felt as though LA was my home and it was kind of empowering.
There are so many things that I miss (which is why I go back as often as I do) but I guess I miss them because I can. I love the little things in life. I love the smell of a NY bagel which you just cannot (under any circumstances) get in LA. I miss the subway...weird I know but I love public transportation and LA just doesn't have it. I miss leaving that Subway and getting caught up in a sea of people whose dreams and thoughts as much as their physical presence propels you through the catacombs of the system and eventually, the streets. I miss being able to get to a bar and upon finding out that I hate it, leaving with the option to walk/cab/subway to 14,000 others. These and an infinite number of other things, I miss; but that's because I can.
I guess what I'm saying is that it'll take time but there will eventually be a place you come to when you're back in NY and you miss your car, and you miss the smell of the ocean and the fact that you can eat outside every night of the year.
I mean, maybe you won't but for me; I like being able to miss things because when I go back...I love then that much more.
Tomorrow I head to SF because I've found that there's something about that city that helps me write and I don't think it would if I lived there...because then I wouldn't miss it.
Best, Ned
i'd like to start by saying i love ned. then i would like to comment on the concept of FAR. it's EXACTLY how i feel about boston. i have no true understanding though i can pretend about what it's like to miss living in NYC because i havent lived there but am so close with so many people who have and they talk about it so much that i feel like a cousin once removed in that way that cousins once removed feel about each other. however, i am 111% in understanding of what it is like to miss family and friends and so forth due to DISTANCE, to sheer time and distance and time changes and travel costs and so forth and so on and the unfairness of it all and i get downright jealous when i hear form my best friends back home and they are calling me on their way home from their neice's 1st birthday or their sister's softball game or eating out with their parents or so forth and i just wish i could pop in to my mom's house on sundays to do laundry or catch up-- ok i have my own washer/dryer now but i used to not have one-- and the feeling still remains, sometimes i would like to pop in and be taken care of, or drop in and feel welcomed, and that it's NORMAL to just be there, as opposed to this big occasion because "stephanie's in town!" and that is so rare, which makes me sad. because then the attention is all focused on me for those few seconds and everyone wants to hear about LA life and what this person is like and if you really do this or that like it says in the magazines and-- blah blah-- when i am so sick of LA and it's reputation-- and all i really want is to blend in, and be normal... and talk about my brother's new job and the next door neighbor whose lawn is outta control and the little things.. that happen in every community that everyone comes from-- perhaps even the one that i live in now-- but i didn't grow up here, and so i don't feel the same connection, and i just miss that feeling. of being connected, for life and longer, to all the familiar sites and faces and stories and so forth. and then there is my high school reunion that is taking place in 2 weeks and for me to attend i have to fly across country on a sat morning and then fly back across the country on a sunday and what would be the point, really, for just one night-- i keep wondering, because when i am home i have to fit in so many people in so short a time, because like i said-- it's just so "rare" for me to be home-- so i can't just POP in and feel like i truly got to see anyone, spend any quality time, it would be SUCH A TEASE and i would hate everything when i came back for at least a week, so it's not even worth it. but OF COURSE i would like to go to my reunion. i can't believe i am planning the whole damn thing because i was an officer and i can't even attend it. but such is the way it goes. and i DO NOT miss the harsh cold winters and i do NOT want to live in peabody, MA either... i love what i do and i can't live anywhere else right now if i want to keep on doing it. but MAN oh MAN do i hear ya on not wanting to be SO FAR from the homeland. just once in awhile, like every sunday, i'd like to take a drive over to my parent's house and ... it's just not possible. and that is what i hate most about living in LA. not being close to the people that matter most to me. not being able to pop in while my brother is at work and tease him and so forth. just being... so freakin far. i hate that.
big hugs anyway... love ya.