There's been a lot of discussion of age recently. Not simply because we're having a baby, although I know from personal experience that other people's "milestones" (of which I have always felt having a baby is one) tends to leave others looking and reflecting on their lives...which often leads to looking at age and where you are, where you expected to be, blah blah blah. In the course of a couple of weeks, I have been to the birthday celebration of a person turning 50, a dinner party for someone turning 39 and tonight we're headed to a dinner for someone turning 33. My husband's birthday is on Monday and of course, the most significant (for me) literal birth day is swiftly approaching. And that doesn't even cover the 7 or 8 other friends who had a birthday last week or are approaching one this week.
Birthdays bring up age and age seems to bring up all sorts of shit. I remember when I was 21, the thought of 30 was insane. 30 was OLD. But it was 9 years away and I had lots of life to live before I hit that. I'd be married and successful by then (whatever that meant) and maybe even have a baby. Shortly before my 23rd birthday, I moved to NYC and started waiting tables while I was auditioning. I landed a job that most NYC waiters coveted but it wasn't the restaurant that I was taken with - it was the people that I had the amazing good fortune to work with. It was an eclectic, bright, vibrant group of creatives - everyone from furniture makers to dancers to actors to philosophers to students to the ultimate fashionistas and foodies. And they ranged in age from 19 to 55. Two years prior I wouldn't have thought that I would have much to say to that 55 year old, but all of a sudden, I was blind to age. I was thrilled by their knowledge, by their thoughts on life, by their triumphs and struggles. One of my closest friends in the group celebrated her 30th birthday that year - and she was anything but old. I had learned my lesson - age was just a number.
We discussed that at the birthday of the 50 year old this past weekend. If I had thought that 30 was 0ld when I was 21, then 50 must have been one foot in the grave. Now, 50 is young. Perhaps that's because of the youth and vibrance of those that I know that are 50. After all, it is still quite possible to be 50 and be old. But it's also possible to be 20 and to be old. Age is just a number.
It's amazing to me that I spent so many years placing ultimatums on myself surrounding my age. What made me think that I should be married by 30? (Besides a large portion of society acting as though you're a leper if you haven't settled down by a certain age.) I know plenty of people who DID get married by 30 - and now they're divorced. These things should be dictated by nothing more than finding a person with whom you truly want to spend the rest of your life. Not how old you are or how long you've been together. Simply by whether or not you think that you will be a good match for each other...forever.
And then there's the baby thing. And for women, this is a huge issue because it's not mental - it's physical. As a man, you can get someone pregnant until the day you die. You don't have a "limit" as to when you are able to have a biological child. As a woman, plain and simply, you do. Your body will only allow you to conceive for a certain amount of time, whether you like it or not, whether you're ready or not. While this is (not SEEMS - IS) completely unfair to women, it's a fact and one that women I know deal with on a daily basis. Some women aren't ready to have kids, but worry that if they wait, they won't be able to. Some women are ready but haven't found a partner and worry that they won't before they lose their ability to have a child. Many women (again, myself included at one time) look at those around them having kids and feel like they're not where they're "supposed" to be by this time. Even if we don't think about that on a daily basis, it comes up now and then...often when we least expect it, triggered by someone else's news that should only be about them but all of a sudden has us spinning out about ourselves. And usually, it comes back to, "I'm 29/34/41/56. How am I not where I thought I should be by this age?"
So the question remains - who created an age by which you SHOULD have? Reached your goals. Started a family. Found a partner. Become an adult...(I know 49 year olds who will never be an "adult" and I know 22 year olds who are far too adult for their own good.) Who stuck these parameters - these limitations on our lives? And how do we shed ourselves of them so that we can just BE. And live. And enjoy. And strive. And take away the feelings of failure for not having achieved by a certain AGE. Because, as one of my wisest friends once said to me, your path is your own. And age is just a number.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle
at
10:55 AM
Labels:
introspection,
life lessons,
musings on life
3 - The number of times I have left the oven on
1 - The number of time I have left the stove on (yes - I am aware there is a visible flame to remind you to turn it off...)
5 - The number of times I have lost my shopping cart in Target
1 - The number of times I never found it
1 - The number of times I forgot where I was supposed to be going
750 - The number of times I've forgotten what I was saying, what I was looking for or what I was doing
Pregnant brain is a real thing. I am ready for mine to be gone. Then I am sure that I will not remember anything for a while due to lack of sleep and total cluelessness as to how I am supposed to be raising a child.
We met with 2 more pediatricians. They were both totally normal and lovely and we are deciding between them.
I woke up on Monday morning absolutely convinced that the baby was coming this week. Essentially, I turned into Paul Revere heralding the news on Monday morning to Matt that we needed to get EVERYTHING done IMMEDIATELY because "The baby is coming! The baby is coming!"
The baby did not come. I must have had a dream or something...I don't know. But I'll tell you this much - everything is pretty much done! Shocker that I ran around like a crazy person and woke up yesterday morning feeling like crap. So now I'm sick and really round but at least everything is ready.
That is, until the baby actually comes. Who the hell is EVER really ready for that?
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle
at
7:48 AM
Labels:
daily,
we're having a baby,
yeah...i'm a little bit crazy
I am a house
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Both literally and figuratively. Figuratively speaking - I have grown exponentially in the past few weeks. Or I should say that my belly has grown. I am just one big belly. It's actually sort of amazing. My belly walks into the room 5 minutes before I do. Heh. I know - not funny. But it sort of is.
But literally, I am a house. Right now, I am my baby's home. I have an almost fully grown baby living INSIDE of my body. My body is a house. Think about this. Not just like, "right Michelle. We know...you're pregnant and you're having a baby and it's inside your stomach." Reeeeeally take a minute to think about the whole concept. It's INSANE. And amazing.
My body will only be a house (and a home as I like to think about it) for another month - give or take a week or so. And while I'll be thrilled to have my body back and to not feel random pressing on my bladder, I will miss the intimate moments that can only occur between me and the baby. No one else knows what it feels like to have this particular baby inside of them. Just me. And that's a truly remarkable thing as well - something that I'm sure most mothers feel.
There's lots of stuff to be done at this point - we're busy de-cluttering and crossing off the 50 million things on my To Do list. I never knew I could be so busy without a job but I barely have a free minute to myself. (Except it's all time for myself given that in 5 weeks, I'm LITERALLY not going to have a free minute for myself.)
One of the things on the To Do list is to meet with pediatricians. We met with our first one today and it was...well...how should I put it? Interesting. We are looking for someone who is willing to work with us on vaccinations - with a spread out schedule and the willingness to skip some of the vaccinations that, after much research, we don't feel are necessary. Blah blah blah. SO. We go to this pediatrician today. People rave about her, how fabulous she is. And she very well may be. But only in LA does a pediatrician leave you feeling like they're doing you a favor by being your doctor. Upon arrival into her less than stellar office space (more on that later), her office manager greeted us with, "And the $75 consult fee that we discussed. Did you say on the phone that you'd like me to bill your insurance?"
There's only one small issue here- there was never a fee discussed. And while I've now been informed (by friends) that this is very common and most offices will not inform you of it in advance, it was clear that this woman was supposed to have discussed it with me and had screwed up. So as far as I was concerned, SHE should be paying for her mistake - not me.
"You never mentioned a fee on the phone."
"I didn't? Are you sure?"
"I'm certain."
Overhearing this, the doctor says, "It's fine. We'll just do a quick consult out here and there won't be a charge."
Which you would think is lovely but essentially meant, "I'll grace you with 5 minutes of my presence but don't think there will be time for many questions because time is money, kid."
The truth is, her office was not what I particularly imagine a pediatrician's office to be. Let's just say that while I have some liberal ideas about how I might want to handle my child's health, I'm still a Jew from the east coast. In other words, I'm a total snob. I'd love it if my pediatrician were also Jewish and it wouldn't hurt if their office was in Beverly Hills and smelled nice. Judge all you want - I know what I like and I'm NOT afraid to admit it.
So tomorrow, this house will go visit another pediatrician. Her office is in Beverly Hills. Her last name sounds Jewish. So I guess tomorrow we'll see if I should judge a book by it's cover or not...
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle
at
4:58 PM
Labels:
we're having a baby
I thought for certain that I would be here on a daily basis now. But between the insane clutter clearing of my house, the daily pre-natal yoga and walks, third trimester mid-afternoon naps and the fifty million other things on my "do in the next 8 weeks" list, I have all but forgotten about the fact that I have a blog.
Especially one that's called "Take Me Back to Manhattan". A year ago, I would have written in scrupulous detail about my almost 3 week trip back east (the first one I've had that was that long since I moved to LA four years ago.) I also would have written a lengthy post lamenting my return. But NYC was amazing and coming back to the 75 degree weather in LA was actually kind of nice too. And while I still stand by the fact that the food is better in NYC, the shopping is better in NYC, the ability to walk and take the subway and get everywhere and anywhere in 20 minutes (except for the annoying Upper East Side which I had to venture to once and was reminded why I never EVER go to the Upper East Side) is so amazing about NYC, and the theater and culture are better in NYC, and I still have tons of great friends in NYC, the weather in the winter will ALWAYS be better in LA. And it's nice to go to the farmer's market. And have a kitchen big enough to cook in. And sometimes, it's even nice to drive a car.
Do I have to change the name of my blog now?
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle
at
6:00 PM
Labels:
daily,
is it possible I like it here?,
NYC
2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
I was running around like a crazy person trying to set up these last minute meetings. I had just spoken with one of my favorite people at Agency X and he'd asked if we could make some last minute adjustments to the schedule of extremely important meetings. Assistant B was incompetent and/or unhelpful and he knew I was an executive now, but could I just help him figure this out given that it was so important? I adored this person and for him, I said of course I would try and that it shouldn't be an issue.
I knocked on another exec's door to check in with him quickly. His assistant was nowhere to be found and I needed answers fast. Someone else answered the door and looked at me like I had 10 heads - as though I had interrupted a world peace summit rather than someone talking about some tv show. There were two other people in Exec's office who just stood there, staring at me in the doorway. Me, being...well...me, I poked my head deeper in to ask Exec my extremely quick and fairly important (as in, important in the world of television important) question. Exec was on the phone. Having anticipated this, I shot him a slip of paper with my yes or no question written on it. He read the paper, looked at me and frantically started mouthing things to me while making wild bird like gestures. I stared at him. I had absolutely NO idea what he was trying to tell me or what he was trying to gesture about. I took one more look at him, decided I was making some executive decisions, left the office, made a phone call and rushed to...the yoga class that was taking place in the middle of the office. Everyone was getting onto their mats and several people started running up to me asking questions, acting as though we were about to perform major surgery instead of change a meeting. A couple people seemed to feel that, with these last minute changes happening, I couldn't have
possibly done my job right to begin with. And then, right as the yoga class was beginning, Exec came out and sat next to me and started whisper-yelling things in my ear. And then another one on the other side started doing the same thing as well. And as the yoga instructor began to tell everyone to close their eyes and breathe deeply, I started to cry. Everyone else's chests rose and fell as they inhaled and exhaled. Mine just shook with tears. And like a great shot in a movie, the camera closed in on me and then rose about the room - everyone else a blur as my little body sat in the center, trying to understand what had gone wrong after years of running around like a crazy person trying to take care of every little thing that needed taking care of, tears silently streaming down my cheeks.
And then I woke up.
I didn't fall back to sleep right away after that dream. I sat and thought about it for a minute.Up until the yoga class, everything about the dream had been totally real. And the berating that I took in the yoga class, while exaggerated, was pretty accurate as well. I thought about the way people handed out judgement like chocolate in that office. (And I don't know about your office, but there's a loooooooooot of chocolate flying around the one I used to work in.) I thought about the way things often turned into accusations rather than questions when people didn't understand things. I thought about how many people operated on fear, how often people were disgruntled, how panicked they were to make a mistake, how rarely it felt like people were truly working together. I haven't been there in 3 1/2 weeks. And I have to say, I'm feeling pretty great. I don't know what the dream meant, but it sure as hell made a lot of sense to me.
Do things happen for a reason? I don't know the true answer to that. I know that personally, I believe that they do. I believe there's something to be learned from every situation. I believe that something better is always there if you can just let yourself see it.
Happy New Year. 2009 is going to be a fabulous year. I can just feel it.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle
at
8:41 AM
Labels:
introspection,
the industry,
yeah...i'm a little bit crazy
Why do people ask "So...what happpened?" I mean seriously...if YOU had just gotten laid off, would you want to answer that question? What happened!?! What happened? Fuck if I know. I have no idea. One day I was getting promoted, truly loving my job more than I can remember, and the next day (ok 3 months later) I was being tols that I had no job.
Was it suppsed to make me feel better to be told I had more important things to be concerned with right now? It didn't. Was it supposed to make me feel good to know it has nothing to do with my performance? That my boss felt I could run the company one day? It didn't. It made me feel worse. If I had such potential, showed so much promise...then why were they choosing ME?!?! It's hard to swallow. I have gone over it and over it and over it in my head 50 million times. I don't get it. I don't get some of the people that still have jobs and I don't. The pieces of the puzzle don't add up. And while I never thought things like this happen to people like me, apparently, they do.
I have gone from pissed as hell to zen and back again tonight. I don't think I want to talk about it anymore. At least not with just anyone. I need people who get how I must feel...and sometimes it feels like people don't. They couldn't possibly if they are saying some of the things they are saying, asking some of the questions they are asking. And having these conversations is not making me feel any better. It's not helping me to move forward. I don't know why it happened. I don't know if my pregnancy played a role or not. I don't want to hear that companies are doing this left and right and then 3 months later, hiring people that are cheaper. I truly don't believe that will happen here...but even thinking about it makes me angry again. It makes me furious in fact. It makes me want to throw something. Something large that could do damage.
And I don't want to be angry. I don't want to stress too much about the future.I just want to be. To be pregnant. To be happy.
I'm finding it hard, though, to not have a job. I know that my job is not my identity. I have said it many times before. I know that there is so much more to me than what I do. But I was loving my job. I was proud of where I'd gotten. I worked my ass off to get there. And I was loving it - truly loving it - for the first time in a long time. It felt like an achievement to have finally gotten to a place I had been working to get for so long. And I was good at it - I was really, really good at it. So it felt like it was a part of who I am. And I feel like I lost a part of who I am. I mean, I know I didn't. I know that's not really true. I know that I still have the things that truly make me who I am-that no one can take that away from me. But still...it feels like it. I feel a loss.
And tonight I just want it to go away. I don't want to answer questions or hypothesize about why or think about what I'm going to do. I just want to move forward. I really want to pretend like it didn't happen or like I never worked there. Which I suppose means I don't really want to deal with reality...but that's how I feel for tonight.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle
at
12:21 AM
Labels:
introspection,
life lessons,
meltdowns
I suppose I spoke too soon.
I've been staring at the screen, trying to figure out how to make this creative or funny or...something other than straightforward. I haven't figured it out.
It's 5:33 on a rainy LA morning and I've slept for a total of about 3 hours. I'm chock-fucking-full of angst. I don't actually know if it's a rainy LA morning or not - I don't think it's raining anymore to be honest, but rainy sort of fits my mood and it sounds good. So for my purposes of this post, picture it rainy.
I started to write about all the good things, the things that are truly important - like the fact that my baby is healthy - and, for that matter, how excited I am that I'm having one. That everyone important to me is ok. And then I realized that I'm doing via blog what my friends and I all discuss our parents do to us when they call with bad news. They go through a laundry list of all the things that ARE ok. Everyone that IS fine. Telling you that everything is alright...all the while preparing you for the fact that things actually AREN'T ok, that not everyone is fine, that everything actually isn't alright...until you want to reach through the phone and punch them, but not before they tell you what the hell is GOING ON ALREADY!
Yeah. So I don't want to do that. I got laid off yesterday. Almost exactly 2 months after I was promoted. Almost exactly 3 months before I have a baby.
So yes - everyone is fine. And everything will BE fine. But things aren't ok right in this moment.
I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. That when one door closes another door opens, that out of necessity comes invention. That we are not handed anything that we are not capable of handling. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I'm working every last ounce of energy I have to embrace zen. Because what other choice is there really?
Zen as hell - except when I'm not. Not in the the moments of complete rage I've flown into or the twenty minutes spent crying in the middle of the night, trying to understand how certain people who make four times what I make and do about a quarter of the work still have their jobs but I don't. What the reasoning is behind laying off a person with a salary that's less than the new desk that the CEO of our company recently purchased. A person who has been loyal and worked hard and told time and again of their value to the company and their potential for the future.
All I can remind myself is that someone, somewhere knows that I am destined for bigger and better.
Dear Someone,
Your timing sort of sucks.
But I'm sure you have your reasons. I'm sure you have big plans for me. You're more than welcome to reveal them sooner than later.
So yeah - about that whole being content thing? I spoke too soon. But I sure enjoyed it while it lasted.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle
at
5:32 AM
Labels:
introspection,
life lessons,
meltdowns
