Overwhelmed. with a capital o.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
"Mommy - gooooooooo!" says my daughter. Go means both go and come and this morning at 6:25 AM, go means come play with me.
"Daddy is going to go play this morning. Mommy needs to sleep a little more," I respond, grateful that my husband is getting up with Evvy this morning.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Evidently, she has chosen this morning to be anti-daddy. Great.
We try a few more times, but she wants nothing to do with her father this morning. So I lug myself out of bed and into the family room where she has now decided that Daddy is a sufficient playmate. I set up a makeshift bed on the floor so that I am still there but can close my eyes for a few more minutes. Today I feel exhausted. And my belly is itchy. And have I mentioned that my ass seems to decided it should keep up with my stomach? I'm going to need to get it it's own seat on our next flight. I keep making lists of things I need to get done but relaxing doesn't seem to be anywhere on that list. With the exception of the occassional pre-natal yoga class, I can't seem to find anytime for myself. It doesn't matter that I don't plan anything most evenings - there are dishes and laundry and bills. And those are just the weekly things - forget all the things on my list to get done before the baby arrives. I am exhausted.
At 7:15, while they go to walk the dogs, I get up and empty the dishwasher, reload the dishwasher, and start to get things ready for the sitter who will be arriving in an hour. Evvy has decided she wants cornichons for breakfast. Hey - whatever works.
I run to the grocery store to grab milk, which we are out of, since there will not be a successful naptime without milk. I take advantage of these 15 minutes to catch up with a good friend in NYC who has recently had her 2nd child - grateful for her words of wisdom and thoughts on how to juggle two as best as possible. (best as possible seems to be the key.)
I come home feeling mildly less overwhelmed when I enter my kitchen to my husband and child sitting on the floor surrounded by the contents of an entire container of Happy Baby puffs, most of her sippy cups and a slew of other things from the cabinets that I can't recall seeing because I was only seeing mild shades of red. Perhaps my baby is happy, but I am not.
I understand that my husband simply wants to keep her happy, but all too soon, he is going to realize the value of keeping mommy happy as well. Because he and I both know that now that I am home, he will need to get in a shower to leave for the day and I will be left to not only attempt to keep my toddler happy, but to also clean up the contents of the floor.
I spend the first 30 minutes that the sitter is there doing just that and getting dressed and I finally get out the door, knowing that at least I am on my way to yoga to try to clear my mind and my heart and my spirit. I am Overwhelmed - yes...with a capital O.
I was so zen during my pregnancy with Evvy but I am having immense trouble finding my zen this time around. I can't help but spend hours on end wondering how the hell I'm going to make it all work when there are 2. And yes, if you are my mother or my father or my aunt or anyone else of that generation, I am sure you are reading this, perhaps chuckling, thinking about how you did it and we all turned out fine. And that may be true. But I am not you, and I haven't done it yet and I am Overwhelmed. How do you tend to an infant, who literally needs you to survive, and a toddler, who emotionally needs you (and is still a baby too) at the same time? I know that people do it AAAAAAAAAAAAALL the time, but I haven't figured out how I'm going to do it. And to be honest, the questions from the other moms who have 18 month olds, asking me if I'm nervous about how I'm going to do it aren't helping. I smile warmly and say, "a bit, but we knew it would be more work at the beginning - we wanted the kids to be close in age." But what I want to say is, "Are you nuts? Of COURSE I'm nervous. I'm totally insane. What the hell was I thinking??????????" I don't.
I know that Evvy will be fine - that she will adapt. I know that I will manage to give the baby everything she needs as well. I know that there will just have to be enough of me to go around and that second babies tend to be more adaptable and that Evvy will adapt too. At least I tell myself these things to try to feel better. But when I'm done taking care of everyone else, I can't help but wonder, will there be enough of me left for me? Perhaps that's selfish of me, but to be perfectly honest, I think that in order to be a good mother, you need to be selfish sometimes. How do you give 100% of yourself to everyone else? You have to save a little bit for you. And I'm worried that there will be nothing left for me...
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:39 AM
Labels: I HAVE a baby, introspection, meltdowns, musings on life, we're having a baby
