What Happened?
Monday, December 22, 2008
Was it suppsed to make me feel better to be told I had more important things to be concerned with right now? It didn't. Was it supposed to make me feel good to know it has nothing to do with my performance? That my boss felt I could run the company one day? It didn't. It made me feel worse. If I had such potential, showed so much promise...then why were they choosing ME?!?! It's hard to swallow. I have gone over it and over it and over it in my head 50 million times. I don't get it. I don't get some of the people that still have jobs and I don't. The pieces of the puzzle don't add up. And while I never thought things like this happen to people like me, apparently, they do.
I have gone from pissed as hell to zen and back again tonight. I don't think I want to talk about it anymore. At least not with just anyone. I need people who get how I must feel...and sometimes it feels like people don't. They couldn't possibly if they are saying some of the things they are saying, asking some of the questions they are asking. And having these conversations is not making me feel any better. It's not helping me to move forward. I don't know why it happened. I don't know if my pregnancy played a role or not. I don't want to hear that companies are doing this left and right and then 3 months later, hiring people that are cheaper. I truly don't believe that will happen here...but even thinking about it makes me angry again. It makes me furious in fact. It makes me want to throw something. Something large that could do damage.
And I don't want to be angry. I don't want to stress too much about the future.I just want to be. To be pregnant. To be happy.
I'm finding it hard, though, to not have a job. I know that my job is not my identity. I have said it many times before. I know that there is so much more to me than what I do. But I was loving my job. I was proud of where I'd gotten. I worked my ass off to get there. And I was loving it - truly loving it - for the first time in a long time. It felt like an achievement to have finally gotten to a place I had been working to get for so long. And I was good at it - I was really, really good at it. So it felt like it was a part of who I am. And I feel like I lost a part of who I am. I mean, I know I didn't. I know that's not really true. I know that I still have the things that truly make me who I am-that no one can take that away from me. But still...it feels like it. I feel a loss.
And tonight I just want it to go away. I don't want to answer questions or hypothesize about why or think about what I'm going to do. I just want to move forward. I really want to pretend like it didn't happen or like I never worked there. Which I suppose means I don't really want to deal with reality...but that's how I feel for tonight.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 12:21 AM
Labels: introspection, life lessons, meltdowns
I think I too need a category for meltdowns.
Just want you to know I'm thinking about you!