What Happened?
Monday, December 22, 2008
Was it suppsed to make me feel better to be told I had more important things to be concerned with right now? It didn't. Was it supposed to make me feel good to know it has nothing to do with my performance? That my boss felt I could run the company one day? It didn't. It made me feel worse. If I had such potential, showed so much promise...then why were they choosing ME?!?! It's hard to swallow. I have gone over it and over it and over it in my head 50 million times. I don't get it. I don't get some of the people that still have jobs and I don't. The pieces of the puzzle don't add up. And while I never thought things like this happen to people like me, apparently, they do.
I have gone from pissed as hell to zen and back again tonight. I don't think I want to talk about it anymore. At least not with just anyone. I need people who get how I must feel...and sometimes it feels like people don't. They couldn't possibly if they are saying some of the things they are saying, asking some of the questions they are asking. And having these conversations is not making me feel any better. It's not helping me to move forward. I don't know why it happened. I don't know if my pregnancy played a role or not. I don't want to hear that companies are doing this left and right and then 3 months later, hiring people that are cheaper. I truly don't believe that will happen here...but even thinking about it makes me angry again. It makes me furious in fact. It makes me want to throw something. Something large that could do damage.
And I don't want to be angry. I don't want to stress too much about the future.I just want to be. To be pregnant. To be happy.
I'm finding it hard, though, to not have a job. I know that my job is not my identity. I have said it many times before. I know that there is so much more to me than what I do. But I was loving my job. I was proud of where I'd gotten. I worked my ass off to get there. And I was loving it - truly loving it - for the first time in a long time. It felt like an achievement to have finally gotten to a place I had been working to get for so long. And I was good at it - I was really, really good at it. So it felt like it was a part of who I am. And I feel like I lost a part of who I am. I mean, I know I didn't. I know that's not really true. I know that I still have the things that truly make me who I am-that no one can take that away from me. But still...it feels like it. I feel a loss.
And tonight I just want it to go away. I don't want to answer questions or hypothesize about why or think about what I'm going to do. I just want to move forward. I really want to pretend like it didn't happen or like I never worked there. Which I suppose means I don't really want to deal with reality...but that's how I feel for tonight.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 12:21 AM 1 comments
Labels: introspection, life lessons, meltdowns
Content My Ass.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I suppose I spoke too soon.
I've been staring at the screen, trying to figure out how to make this creative or funny or...something other than straightforward. I haven't figured it out.
It's 5:33 on a rainy LA morning and I've slept for a total of about 3 hours. I'm chock-fucking-full of angst. I don't actually know if it's a rainy LA morning or not - I don't think it's raining anymore to be honest, but rainy sort of fits my mood and it sounds good. So for my purposes of this post, picture it rainy.
I started to write about all the good things, the things that are truly important - like the fact that my baby is healthy - and, for that matter, how excited I am that I'm having one. That everyone important to me is ok. And then I realized that I'm doing via blog what my friends and I all discuss our parents do to us when they call with bad news. They go through a laundry list of all the things that ARE ok. Everyone that IS fine. Telling you that everything is alright...all the while preparing you for the fact that things actually AREN'T ok, that not everyone is fine, that everything actually isn't alright...until you want to reach through the phone and punch them, but not before they tell you what the hell is GOING ON ALREADY!
Yeah. So I don't want to do that. I got laid off yesterday. Almost exactly 2 months after I was promoted. Almost exactly 3 months before I have a baby.
So yes - everyone is fine. And everything will BE fine. But things aren't ok right in this moment.
I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. That when one door closes another door opens, that out of necessity comes invention. That we are not handed anything that we are not capable of handling. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I'm working every last ounce of energy I have to embrace zen. Because what other choice is there really?
Zen as hell - except when I'm not. Not in the the moments of complete rage I've flown into or the twenty minutes spent crying in the middle of the night, trying to understand how certain people who make four times what I make and do about a quarter of the work still have their jobs but I don't. What the reasoning is behind laying off a person with a salary that's less than the new desk that the CEO of our company recently purchased. A person who has been loyal and worked hard and told time and again of their value to the company and their potential for the future.
All I can remind myself is that someone, somewhere knows that I am destined for bigger and better.
Dear Someone,
Your timing sort of sucks.
But I'm sure you have your reasons. I'm sure you have big plans for me. You're more than welcome to reveal them sooner than later.
So yeah - about that whole being content thing? I spoke too soon. But I sure enjoyed it while it lasted.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 5:32 AM 4 comments
Labels: introspection, life lessons, meltdowns
Angstless in LA
Thursday, December 11, 2008
It's DECEMBER???? WHAT THE HELL?
Anyhow. I've been having this conversation as of late with a couple different people. And I could be totally off on this one, but I'm thinking that blogging is better - even writing for that matter - when it's being used as an outlet for some sort of angst. I would have been an AMAAAAAAAAAAZING blogger when I moved to LA. Just ask any of my close friends who had to put a limit on the number of times a day I could call them. I was oozing angst.
Or when I was single living in NYC. I met with a writer the other day (for an hour and 45 minutes by the way. That sets the record for my longest writer meeting ever. Except, of course, for the first "meeting" I had with my husband...but that doesn't count.) who said she was sort of glad to be single because if she were in a long term relationship, she's really unsure what the hell she'd write about.
I know exactly what she means. I'm not feeling so much angst these days. I have my moments and I'm all too sure that I will have many a meltdown in the not-so-distant future, that life won't feel quite so even, that I will want different things, wish for something new, feel like my brain is going to explode, have moments of "why can't this just..." and "when will I ever...".
But for now, I'm sort of...dare I say it...content. And content makes for boring blogging I think. I'm sort of uninspired. Although I can tell you that my baking extravaganza this weekend will give me plenty of food for thought. I can't even believe I just wrote that. Food for thought. SEE!?!??!?!?!?!
I sometimes wonder if I'm just not a good writer. If I were, wouldn't I be able to pull something out of my ass at a moment's notice for the sake of the blog? Wouldn't I be able to go back to that time of angst and channel it to write something poignant, funny and touching all at once? Wouldn't I be able to paint a picture of that day seven years ago, that moment in the middle of Times Square, that time when I thought I would never recover? Maybe I can. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough...I don't know.
I know I have thoughts in moments in the middle of downward dog that I think would be a really smart piece of writing. I write the whole thing in my head as I move through my (modified for pregnancy) vinyasa. But by the time I get home, it's gone. I remember the general feeling, but the words...they're just not there.
I wish I'd written more at certain times in my life. I could have done wonders with my mid-20's in Manhattan, my late 20's in LA...among other times. My head was constantly swirling with questions, anxiety, endless clutter and conversation.
But for now, my head isn't really swirling much at all. I've managed to find zen in the past six and a half months. Like I got knocked up and something switched inside my brain telling me that I needed to just roll with the punches a bit more because from this point forward, there was going to be a hell of a lot more out of my control than had ever been before. And so that's the way I've been living. I've had a few meltdowns here and there. And I've wished I was closer to a computer when they've happened. But by the time I sit down to write it down, it's over and done with and I've moved on. I find myself wondering what the point of rehashing is. And so, I don't.
So I'm angstless and blogless. But I'm happy.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:46 PM 1 comments
Labels: daily, on bloggers and blogging
Live the Questions Now
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The days seem to be going by faster than I can keep track of and all of a sudden, I'm having a baby in 4 months. What the hell?? I just got pregnant! How did all of this happen so freaking fast? How is it Thanksgiving?
The impending birth of a child has made me sit back and reflect a lot. On my past 33 years (ok, ok - I don't remember being 2. But at least most of my "adult" life when I wasn't too drunk to forget. Did I just say adult life? Heh. Who's an adult? Just because I'm having a baby now I'm supposed to be an adult???) I'm reflecting on the things that I want to instill in my kids. On the traits I have that I'd like to work on more so that they don't learn my behavior. On the ways in which I'd like to help my kids see the world. (Sure, it's singular now...but now that the can of worms has been opened...)
It's been a highly reflective time, but I've had trouble finding the words to frame it. I'm working hard on staying present these days - on enjoying the small moments. I'm starting to understand that each moment that happens will only last for a small amount of time. And while some of the phases I've been through in my life have been tumultuous, have felt tortured and confused - I have looked back upon many of those times, feeling like I didn't know how good those tortured moments were.
I think sometimes life is hard to see while we're living it. But I don't want to turn around and feel like I wasn't truly experiencing each moment anymore because I was so anxious to get out of it and get some answers. I think I'm starting to realize that Rilke had a point. That the only way to find the answers is to live your way into them...
I think that's what I want to instill most in my kids. That it's ok to not know the answers before you leap. That leaping is the only way to truly find the answers. And that it's ok to wade and to wallow a bit while you try to figure out which direction to leap in. That it's ok to fall down - as long as you get back up. That when the doors all seem locked, try a window, and if the windows are locked too, find a vent. To treat others with compassion. To have patience for those around you - to work hard on having that patience with those who try it most because they probably need it the most. To stand your ground with what you believe in and to live it out loud and strong. To move forward but not forget where you come from. To fly high but keep your feet firmly fastened on the ground. To ask questions and to search and explore. That grudges are cancerous and there's no point in holding them. You don't have to like everyone or everything, but it's so much better for your spirit and your health to let it go and move forward.
Do I live these ideas? Some of them...not all of them. Some of the time, not all of the time.
And there are the things that I am working on right now. I am too hard on myself and therefore, often too hard on others. I try too hard to keep everyone else happy but sometimes I just need to make myself happy. I know that when I don't like someone or something, I'm not so great at hiding it. I'm really loud. I'm constantly afraid of letting people down. I question my abilities too often. I need to be more flexible and learn to relinquish control. I'm learning to ask myself what truly bothers me in situations that do - rather than to just get angry, upset, irrational, etc. To get to the bottom of why I feel a certain way, rather than just letting the emotion take over me completely. So I'm learning. I guess having a baby is making me want to be better.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:31 PM 0 comments
Labels: conscious living, musings on life, we're having a baby
Small Victories
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I'm getting a refund!!!! I just got a call from Searle NYC apologizing profusely for how I was treated and letting me know they'd be refunding my money in full.
It's the little things people. Well...I guess $400 isn't so little...but you know what I mean. WHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 11:55 AM 1 comments
Assorted Rants on A Tuesday
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
This place is supposed to be my "outlet" - so to speak...so I'm outing.
I am having a mini meltdown. It might be because I'm pregnant. It's entirely possible. I mean, I did cry after being yelled at by the director of sales and marketing at Searle NYC. And he was unquestionably a total jackass on the phone - BUT. I'm not so sure it warranted tears. That said, I'm confused about the incident because I wouldn't say I've been overly emotional in the past five months. Or perhaps I've just lost all perspective, gone entirely insane and I've actually been a total nut case. Clearly I've lost my ability for self-awareness.
Why did this person yell at me, you ask? That's a great question and one I will gladly answer. You see, I purchased a pair of boots from the Searle NYC website a few weeks ago. I had been eyeing them and I was in desperate need of a new pair of black boots. These were exactly what I had been looking for, so I decided to order them. I have become quite the promo code sleuth and when I found one for 20% off, I ordered them PRONTO. I love a good bargain (as you know given my proclivity toward Jewish tourettes.) The boots came and were not quite what I had in mind - they were slouchy, and I was looking for good old fashioned straight up and down boots. When I looked on the site, I noticed they had the SAME EXACT style at what was considered 3/4 height. The reason they slouched was because I am short and so there was too much boot for them to stand up straight on my legs. So I saw 3/4 and figured they'd be perfect. I sent away for an exchange. I'd been told that I'd receive an email letting me know when the boots had been received and when my new ones went out. They received the boots I was returning on 10/21. I know this from my UPS tracking number - not because the company emailed me as they had promised. I emailed them 5 days later to check in and still heard nothing. So I called to find out where the hell my boots were and also to tell them that, at this point, I didn't really want the boots anymore. Last Thursday I received an email from the director of sales and marketing telling me they'd already sent out my boots 2 day mail and he'd send me the tracking number (which, by the by, he never did.) The boots arrived yesterday. The boots do not fit over my pregnant calves. Not even close. Oh well...I tried. I emailed the director this morning for a return authorization code. The slip in the box was marked final sale, which I knew must have been a mistake since I would NEVER purchase final sale shoes that I hadn't tried on. N.E.V.E.R.
The response I got was the following:
Michelle,
Of course, I went IMMEDIATELY to the website to find this statement. I berated myself the entire time. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO FOOLISH?!?!?? What the hell was I thinking? It was no bargain if I couldn't return the freaking shoes! And what's a pregnant lady going to buy in a clothing store (especially when that money should be put toward other boots or saved for her unborn child?) I continued to yell at myself in my own head until I arrived at the Searle website and saw the following written clearly at the bottom of the check out page:
All sale merchandise can be exchanged for merchandise of equal or greater value.
Ok. Fine. Sale Merchandise is not the same as items purchased at a discount. Not at ALLLLLL. I stopped yelling at myself and called the gentleman who had responded to me above. I went in with a smile on my face, knowing I would get further if I started out the interaction being nice.
"Hi Rick, this is Michelle. I just received your email and I wanted to chat with you."
"Uh huh."
"Well, I took a look at your website. And while it states clearly that sale items can only be exchanged, it doesn't make mention of promo..."
"MICHELLE!" he interrupted me, "You can't return them. You used a promo code, you bought an item on sale. You are welcome to exchange the shoes."
"Well, I actually didn't buy an item on sale. I used a promo code to get a discount on an item. There's a diff..."
"MICHELLE!" he raised his voice to me again, "You're talking semantics here. There's no difference. I've never had a problem with this before."
"Yes Rick. We are talking semantics. But when you're writing something on your site, then semantics are actually important. And to be honest, I called you being perfectly pleasant, wanting to discuss the matter with you, and now you are raising your voice to me and actually being quite rude."
Which is, indeed, what happened. I called this man, wanting to have a conversation, and he literally jumped down my throat. He snapped back at me when I told him he was being rude and told me, once again, that I was talking semantics. That seemed to be his only go-to defense.I told him that I would be happy to contest the charge on my credit card and happy to speak to a lawyer (not that I would hire one, by the way, but my best friend is a lawyer and a damn fine one who would let me know if I had a leg to stand on, but it did seem to me that legalese is all ABOUT semantics so his argument could be used directly against him...) He told me to go right ahead. I asked to speak with someone above me. He told me there WASN'T anyone above him. I got off the phone.
And started to cry.
WHAT THE HELL!?!? Listen, I may have been wrong...but there was absolutely NO REASON (especially if I WAS wrong) that this douchebag should be raising his voice to me! In fact, if it was clear and concise on the website, I would imagine that he would have kindly directed me to the page where I could find the information that I had missed when I bought the merchandise and showed me my mistake. Instead, he tore into me...WHO TAUGHT HIM ABOUT CUSTOMER SERVICE????
I'm still working on this. I called the corporate office and got the name of the owner of the company who I tried to get in touch with for a couple of days and after not being able to reach her directly, I wrote her a damn good letter which I faxed off this morning. And look, I might not get a refund...but no one, NO ONE, especially in customer service, should be speaking to a customer that way. And I want someone to know that's how I was treated by their director of marketing and sales. And I'd also like my money back.
I mean...am I nuts? Do any of you think of a promo code as being an item on sale??? Please. Feel free to tell me that I'm wrong.
Then there's the fact that people seem to think that it's ok to tell you how big/swollen/fat you look when you're pregnant. The fat comment was meant as a joke (I think?!?) but it still wasn't ok. Trust me...I spend a lot of time every day reminding myself that my body is beautiful as it becomes increasingly difficult for me to bend over to pick something up. I don't even want to get into how it feels to roll to my other side in the middle of the night (but I will say that if someone invented a device that would do all the work and get me from my left to my right and back again every few hours or so, I would pay a LOT of money for it.) I know people think that when you're pregnant you KNOW you're going to get bigger so it's OK for them to say, "WOW! You got bigger overnight!" And they literally mean overnight when you are away for a wedding weekend. And for the record, this was NOT one of the times that I had actually grown overnight. Trust me - if anyone notices when I grow overnight, it's me. I especially love the people who haven't see you and say, "WOW! Look at your stomach." Yes, look at my stomach - it's big. BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT.
What's interesting is the number of absolute strangers I've had telling me how beautiful I look. I went to Bloomingdales on Saturday and I left feeling like I was on cloud 9. Everywhere I went, in the parking garage waiting for the elevator, at the makeup counter returning something, at the Jo Malone counter buying something, on the escalator up...people kept telling me that I was an adorable pregnant person or that I just looked radiant. I'm not bragging. Or at least I don't mean to be. It just felt SOOOOOOOOO good to hear. (Sidenote sally: My husband tells me I'm beautiful all the time. Pretty much every day. He has never once told me I look big - only beautiful. Men - you should do this if you're wife is pregnant. Even if he doesn't mean it, it's very smart of him.) But it was so nice - instead of hearing that I looked big or swollen - to hear that I looked good. And from total and complete strangers. It was a breath of fresh air. So if you see a pregnant woman today, tell her she looks great. It will truly MAKE her day. Especially if she feels like the state puffed marshmallow woman.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:45 PM 1 comments
Labels: random thoughts, things that get me riled up, we're having a baby, yeah...i'm a little bit crazy
Pop goes the stomach
Thursday, November 6, 2008
It's the oddest thing. Sometimes I look down and feel like I must be in someone else's body because there is NO WAY IN HELL that the stomach I am looking at is mine. There's no possible way that this protrusion in front of me belongs to MY body...never mind what it MEANS.
This is a new sensation - one that I've started feeling only in the past week or so. Prior to that, I had a bit of a bump. I enjoyed it...it was cute. It was fun to finally show it off once I'd gone public to everyone. It was nice to actually look pregnant rather than just fat. I felt extremely connected to my body. But I woke up on Monday morning after an evening of Mexican food and all of a sudden, I had grown. And I mean GROWN. All of a sudden, I was freaking PREGNANT.
The past few days, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I'm totally shocked. Like I'm staring at a different person. A responsible person. An adult who's having a CHILD. I get confused... I'm the person with a flat stomach (one of my body parts that I consistently feel good about). I'm the girl who loves to go out for drinks, to try the latest restaurant. Who flies to NYC for a 36 hour weekend trip to see her friends because she can. Who has subscribed to the idea that 30 is the new 20. I'm the girl who does extra chatarangas during her yoga vinyasas. I'm the girl who's been climbing the corporate ladder, who's finally starting to get where she's been trying to go. So it's hard for me to figure out where "I'm the girl who's going to be a MOTHER" fits into that whole equation.
Don't get me wrong. This is clearly NOT the first time I've thought about this. I did not go into this whole thing blindly. In fact, I thought about it quite a lot. My husband would have had me knocked up walking down the aisle if it had been his choice...but it wasn't. I was quite clear about what it would mean to have a child. (Or at least, as clear as one can be until one actually HAS said child.) I was aware of that it would mean tremendous gains and gifts, but also significant sacrifice. I was aware that it was going to change our lives in every possible way. And I took my time, refusing to rush into something so monumental, insisting that we wait until I truly felt ready.
And so we did. And I did...feel ready, that is.
But this stomach (or belly as many have endearingly referred to it,) is all of a sudden staring me in the face saying, "Really? REAAAAAAAAAALLY are you ready? You have no IDEA how your life is going to change. You have no concept of what lies ahead. You can think about having a child, but you can't prepare. You have ten months of living with the idea but then all of a sudden you go into the hospital and come home with a BABY. That is with you for the next eighteen years. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Thirty is no longer the new twenty sweetheart. Welcome to adulthood."
For the past few days, my stomach talks and I listen. I am sure (although I've yet to discuss with any of my friends who are already parents) that this is quite normal. I'm sure most pregnant women's stomachs chat with them here and there throughout pregnancy. I'm sure most women have a moment where they say to themselves "WHAT AM I DOING???" And mine is here.
But then I feel the baby move. And I pretty much tell the stomach, "I know exactly what I'm doing." It's just me and the baby in those moments. No one else can feel the baby moving yet. It's just the two of us for a little while longer. And I'm not going to waste a single moment of that time. Because when I feel that little flutter inside my stomach, I know that everything is right with the world. And while everything in our life is going to change and I have absolutely NO IDEA what that's going to look like, it's only going to get better.
you can read more about my belly from my husband's perspective at www.meeshandthebelly.blogspot.com
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:25 PM 2 comments
Labels: we're having a baby
