Pop goes the stomach
Thursday, November 6, 2008
It's the oddest thing. Sometimes I look down and feel like I must be in someone else's body because there is NO WAY IN HELL that the stomach I am looking at is mine. There's no possible way that this protrusion in front of me belongs to MY body...never mind what it MEANS.
This is a new sensation - one that I've started feeling only in the past week or so. Prior to that, I had a bit of a bump. I enjoyed it...it was cute. It was fun to finally show it off once I'd gone public to everyone. It was nice to actually look pregnant rather than just fat. I felt extremely connected to my body. But I woke up on Monday morning after an evening of Mexican food and all of a sudden, I had grown. And I mean GROWN. All of a sudden, I was freaking PREGNANT.
The past few days, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I'm totally shocked. Like I'm staring at a different person. A responsible person. An adult who's having a CHILD. I get confused... I'm the person with a flat stomach (one of my body parts that I consistently feel good about). I'm the girl who loves to go out for drinks, to try the latest restaurant. Who flies to NYC for a 36 hour weekend trip to see her friends because she can. Who has subscribed to the idea that 30 is the new 20. I'm the girl who does extra chatarangas during her yoga vinyasas. I'm the girl who's been climbing the corporate ladder, who's finally starting to get where she's been trying to go. So it's hard for me to figure out where "I'm the girl who's going to be a MOTHER" fits into that whole equation.
Don't get me wrong. This is clearly NOT the first time I've thought about this. I did not go into this whole thing blindly. In fact, I thought about it quite a lot. My husband would have had me knocked up walking down the aisle if it had been his choice...but it wasn't. I was quite clear about what it would mean to have a child. (Or at least, as clear as one can be until one actually HAS said child.) I was aware of that it would mean tremendous gains and gifts, but also significant sacrifice. I was aware that it was going to change our lives in every possible way. And I took my time, refusing to rush into something so monumental, insisting that we wait until I truly felt ready.
And so we did. And I did...feel ready, that is.
But this stomach (or belly as many have endearingly referred to it,) is all of a sudden staring me in the face saying, "Really? REAAAAAAAAAALLY are you ready? You have no IDEA how your life is going to change. You have no concept of what lies ahead. You can think about having a child, but you can't prepare. You have ten months of living with the idea but then all of a sudden you go into the hospital and come home with a BABY. That is with you for the next eighteen years. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Thirty is no longer the new twenty sweetheart. Welcome to adulthood."
For the past few days, my stomach talks and I listen. I am sure (although I've yet to discuss with any of my friends who are already parents) that this is quite normal. I'm sure most pregnant women's stomachs chat with them here and there throughout pregnancy. I'm sure most women have a moment where they say to themselves "WHAT AM I DOING???" And mine is here.
But then I feel the baby move. And I pretty much tell the stomach, "I know exactly what I'm doing." It's just me and the baby in those moments. No one else can feel the baby moving yet. It's just the two of us for a little while longer. And I'm not going to waste a single moment of that time. Because when I feel that little flutter inside my stomach, I know that everything is right with the world. And while everything in our life is going to change and I have absolutely NO IDEA what that's going to look like, it's only going to get better.
you can read more about my belly from my husband's perspective at www.meeshandthebelly.blogspot.com
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:25 PM 2 comments
Labels: we're having a baby
HOPE
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Today I feel hope for a new tomorrow. Today I feel a world with a little less hate, a little more acceptance. Today I feel a world where dreams can come true. Today I am proud to live in a country that believes in change. Today I feel proud to be an American - a feeling I've not felt in a really long time. Today I feel inspired. Today I feel a world filled with possibility.
Today I feel excited about the world we are bringing our child into.
But I am not blind to the irony that exists in a country that voted for change but is also voting to openly discriminate against same sex couples. In Florida, same sex couples can not marry. In Arizona, not only can they not marry, but they can no longer adopt children. And in California, Prop 8 passed by a narrow margin, overturning the decision that same sex couples have the same rights as heterosexual couples.
I can't help but feel I need an umbrella for my parade today. In the grand scheme of things, open-minded won. In the smaller scheme, discrimination was justified again and again. I supposed I simply need to look at it as the next hurdle in a country where we overcame a huge one. It's just hard to understand how any minority - be it women or blacks or any one else who had to fight for the right to anything - could sit back and deny someone else their rights. And these propositions didn't pass based solely on the votes of white men.
But. We did it. We looked forward to change, to something new, to hope. We did it once, we can do it again.
Yes we can.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:05 PM 1 comments
Labels: it's always dumb to talk politics, musings on life, on a soapbox, we're having a baby
Thoughts for Monday lifted from the back of my Starbucks cup
Monday, November 3, 2008
The way I see it
Isn't necessarily
The way you see it
Or the way it is
Or ought to be
What's more important
Is that we're all
Looking for it
And a way to see it
--Desi Di Nardo
Author and poet.
She lives in Toronto, Canada.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 10:37 AM 0 comments
Labels: daily, musings on life, random thoughts
It's true what they say about opinions...
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Not only are they like assholes, but often, the people giving them can sound like assholes. Notice I did not say ARE. They probably aren't. I know I've been an ass when stating my opinion. Or more accurately, I should say, I've been an ass when refusing to listen to other people's opinions, forgetting that I could possibly (gasp) LEARN something from what they have to say.
There is very little in this world that is right or wrong. Things aren't very black and white. There are more shades of gray than I'm even aware of. But lately, I've noticed people feeling the need more and more to PUSH opinion on one another. I've certainly experienced it myself given that I'm having a child. Somehow, every other person in the universe wants to tell you the "right" accessory, the "right" thing to do about working or not, about breastfeeding, about how to freaking give birth, forgetting along the way that many of those things are very personal choices that one has the right to make on their own. Even friends who start out by bitching about all the annoying opinions people will give you once they find out you're pregnant will end up giving you their unsolicited opinion about things when they disagree with the choice it sounds like you'll be making. I'm embarrassed (btw, do you think that word comes from being bare-assed? Because that's embarrassing. Every time I write embarrassed, I think about how, somehow, that word must have originated from someone who was mortified and running around with a naked rear end. End of tangent...) Ahem. I was saying that I'm embarrassed to admit that at the beginning of my pregnancy, when I was attempting to educate myself about things that I finally realized I have absolutely NO control over, I was spouting my opinion to people as well. Spouting in a way that made me sound like it wasn't opinion, but instead THE answer. The only answer. The only way. And dude - I haven't even done any part of it yet!!! A.S.S.H.O.L.E
As of late, the political atmosphere has led to tremendous opinion spouting of the above persuasion. No question I am passionate about the things I believe in. I know what I hope for our country, for our leaders, and while I know I would have tremendous stake in this election regardless, I do think that knowing I'm bringing a child into the world has made our next leader that much more important to me.
But I also understand that there are others who are also opinionated and have strong beliefs that are totally and completely different than mine. I understand that I can learn something from looking at the beliefs and ideas of others even if I don't necessarily agree. I understand that different beliefs may mean that I don't have anything in common with another person, but more often, just means that we have different points of view on some things. I can respect that. I can have conversations about it - usually in a civil manner - and understand that I may have my eyes opened or learn something new.
I have friends that are Jews, Catholics, Christians, Atheists. I have friends that are gay, straight and in between. I have friends that are Black, White, Asian, Hispanic and everything in between. I have friends that are Democrats and I have friends that are Republicans. More Democrats than Republicans...but that's not the point.
I respect the right to choose.
I have tried to steer fairly clear of politics here. I have posted a few videos that I thought were too funny and accurate to keep to myself. But all in all, I think I've kept my political mouth shut.
Political conversations can turn naaaaaaaaaaaasty with a capital N. All of a sudden parents are shouting at kids, brothers are shouting at sisters, people are calling each other names and getting really heated in ways you've never seen them get heated before. People aren't respecting other people's OPINIONS. They are being - in a word - assholes.
But I'm breaking the seal - I'm going to talk politics.
I, myself, am a huge Obama supporter. I am mostly a Democrat - although I truly believe in looking at the candidates rather than simply following a party. There have been great Democratic leaders and great Republican leaders and there have been terrible leaders that have emerged from both parties as well (present leadership included. On a side note, we went to see W. this weekend and I wanted to punch the screen because that man is such. a fucking. IDIOT.) I do not think that Obama is perfect. But personally, I believe that he represents more of what I want to see happen in this country than McCain does. I believed this before McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate, and once he made that ridiculous choice, I believed it with every ounce of my being.
However, I can respect that there are people who do not feel the same way as I do.
What I am struggling with is the number of people - people who seem to me to have liberal belief systems - who have friends that are gay, that believe in a woman's right to choose, that think it's time for this ridiculous waste of a war to end, who are committed to the environment and to CHANGE - that are considering voting for McCain. And there seems to be only one reason and one reason alone that these people are making this choice.
Money.
Money. Money. Money. I hear these people spouting their mishegas about not wanting to be taxed more harshly (because they land in the higher tax bracket) and all of a sudden their eyes morph into dollar signs and their words go into slow mo and it sounds like there's a devil behind them saying, "I don't care about the future of the world...I am greeeeeeeeedy and I will keep ALL my money no matter WHAT the cost to our country, to my children..." and then they shrivel up into green smokey dollar signs and melt away and then I return to Planet Earth.
Look, I'm not thrilled about paying more taxes (although my other question in this whole thing is, given our current economic climate, does ANYONE TRULY THINK that there's any way in HELL that whoever lands up in office isn't going to raise taxes in some way or another? And if so, I'd love for them to explain to me how that person IS going to deal with things. Thanks...) WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WANTS to give away more of their hard earned money? No one. But I just don't get it - if you don't really believe in the rest of the things that McCain stands for. If you don't believe in Sarah Palin and her ability to run our country. If on MOST other issues, you side with Obama, how do you check the box for McCain/Palin next Tuesday?
Because to me, that's not an opinion at all. That's just ASS.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 5:09 PM 3 comments
Labels: it's always dumb to talk politics, on a soapbox, things that get me riled up
Anyone out there??
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Hellooooo? Are you there? It's me. Meesh. Yes. It's actually me. Writing an actual post.
I've been gone a long time. I mean, I know I've been around...poking my head in here and there in between Burma sagas. But really? I haven't written a whole lot since July. And there's actually a reason for that.
Which I'm not going to tell you.
KIDDING. I'm kidding.
Secrets are hard to keep. Whether they're of the "my life is falling apart and I don't want you to know" variety or "I'm so excited I'm going to explode but I can't tell you yet" variety. They both - in their own ways - leave you avoiding the people you love the most because there's not much else on your mind besides that secret.
"How are you?"
"Fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine. Not much to tell." when you really want to say:
"My life sucks. I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. Pretty much everything has gone to hell. Crying has become my biggest extra curricular activity and I wish I could crawl in a hole and shrivel up."
OR
"What's going on?"
"Nothing. Every thing's great. Just rolling along. Really terrific. Not much to tell." when what you really want to say is:
"UMMMMMMMMMMM...I'M PREGNANT!!!!"
I'm pregnant. 19 weeks pregnant to be exact. I've been slowly going public over the past 7 weeks or so with some hitches in the middle (which I'll share along the way as I started to write while I was keeping this secret in so that I would have SOME sort of outlet.) I would have written about it sooner, but Burma was a way for me to be here and have a presence without having to try to figure out what the hell I was going to talk about when all I really wanted to say waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas, "I'M PREGNANT!!!"
At the beginning of all of this, I wished that I was blognonymous. But people I am related to, have known for years, work with read this blog. And therefore, I had to keep it a secret.
I promise this is not going to turn into a pregnancy blog. I don't promise that I'll never write about it but it won't be all that I write about either.
Aaaah. I feel relieved that I don't have to just say "I'm fine. Great. Couldn't be better" anymore...
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:00 PM 4 comments
Labels: daily, musings on life, random thoughts
10 Days - The Final Chapter.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
But when I met LDB for a drink that night, I couldn’t stop staring at his face. I loved his face. I liked his eyes, the way they smiled. I liked the way he told a story. I liked the way he laughed. And mostly, I liked the way I felt being with him. Easy. Comfortable. At home. We talked honestly that night. He liked me too. I told him about Wine Boy. And I told him that I couldn’t do long distance. He was seeing someone also, but he still wanted to stay in touch – to email and talk and see each other when he was in town. No reason we couldn't do that, he said. Sounded good to me. When he kissed me goodnight outside, it sounded even better…
The first message that I got from LDB after he returned to LA was saved on my cell phone and played over and over every day for the entire 21 days that I was able to save a message. The nicest part about it was the surprise. I hadn’t heard my cell phone ring, and when I checked the message several hours later, I didn’t know who it was from. When I heard his voice saying over and over again that he just kept thinking about me, I knew I was in trouble. Good trouble, but trouble…And for the next 21 days, every time I listened to that message, my stomach flipped.
As time went on, and emails were exchanged between LDB and me, my feelings for Wine Boy depleted. He started pushing to get more serious, but for the first time in my life, I was enjoying having options. The more he pushed, the more I pulled away. And the emails that LDB sent to me were soooo…well, just sooo.
I ended things with Wine Boy and simultaneously made a decision about LDB. I had no idea what he was thinking, what he was feeling…but I knew that I wanted to go for it. I knew that I never wanted to walk in a room and look at him and think “what if?”
LDB came back to
By the time I got home, it was clear that this was simply a blackout and only a blackout. There were no terrorists attacking, no planes flying into buildings - which allowed me a minor sigh of relief. I sat on the steps of my apartment building, hoping that my two roommates would appear sooner than later. I had 2 dollars in my wallet, no access to the electronic ATMS’s, and we’d all lost our ability to use plastic. We lived in a basement apartment so it was pitch black. I had attempted to go down by myself, but swiftly turned around when I realized that once I got one quarter of the way down the hall, I literally could not see a SINGLE thing. I couldn't see my finger in front of my face. I turned around and headed out again. My only option was to sit and wait. Within fifteen minutes, RT and PM were on the steps with me. We discussed what to do, which took all of about 2 minutes when we realized we didn’t really have any options. So we did what everyone else did during that blackout – we got drunk. We sat at the bar next door with friends and drank beer until the sun went all the way down. I tried not to think about where LDB was or if he’d landed. It was totally out of my control. There was nothing I could do.
At about
“Michelle!”
I sat up. “Yeah?” I said out the window.
“It’s Long Distance Boy. I’ve come to save you from the blackout!”
My heart started to pound. I looked at RT and ran outside. And there he was, standing at the top of my stairs. It really was Long Distance Boy. And his mom, his dad, and his dog, who’d accompanied him to make sure he was safe while he came to save me. I looked at him with a huge smile and when he wrapped his arms around me, I thought to myself, “Now this is a fairytale.”
When LDB’s two weeks in
THE END.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:59 PM 4 comments
Labels: 10 Days in Burma, past, writing exercise, yeah...i'm a little bit crazy
10 Days - Part 22
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I felt even BETTER the next morning. I put on a pair of jeans and no sooner had I buttoned them around my waist and they were on the ground at my ankles. I ran to the bathroom and stepped on the scale. I knew that I’d lost a little weight on my trip. I mean, how could I not? I’d barely eaten and I’d been trying to keep up with superman. But as I looked down, I was shocked to see that I had lost ten pounds. TEN POUNDS??? I’d been trying for years to lose ten pounds. Who knew that all it would take was a week in
I'd been to my very own Ashram and I hadn't even known it!!! After 4 years of therapy and finally learning to feel comfortable in my body, it felt like overnight I had been given a new one. I wasn't complaining one single bit.
As the weeks progressed, the feelings of sadness and shame I'd felt surrounding what I had interpreted as the “failure” of my trip slowly began to fade. As I told the story over and over, I managed to focus on the adventure I’d been on, the humor of the whole thing (ie: me, princess at heart, biking through pigs and goats) and the fact that I’d actually done it. The general consensus was that people were inspired and thought I was brave. And I started to realize that I was.
Burma Boy and I corresponded a bit. We talked about what an amazing adventure we’d both had. I sent him a version of the letter I’d written on the plane ride home and he sent me an email telling me how he’d felt on the trip as well. Turns out with some distance, we both felt that we’d had a wonderful experience and had learned a tremendous amount. The emails kept up for a little while, but there didn’t seem to be as much of a point anymore. My stomach didn’t flip when I received one, and he didn’t rush to write back. The fairytale was over. Now I could move forward.
And move forward I did. Being in
I was dating a wine purveyor (we’ll call him Wine Boy) and sort of beginning to like him, when I got a message at my office on a Tuesday in July from Long Distance Boy. The one from March and Passover…remember him? He was back in town and wanted to grab a drink so we made plans to meet after work that night. Long Distance Boy and I sat and sipped dirty martinis and laughed. A lot. He felt like an old friend, someone I’d known for years. The whole thing felt bizarrely familiar. I walked him to see “Hairspray” and he held my hand. Was he flirting with me?? He kissed me lightly on the cheek goodbye and told me that he wanted to get together again later in the week.
Later in the week turned out to be a barbecue at his brother and sister-in-law's for the 4th of July. The four of us went to the beach and LDB and I swam out to a dock in the middle of the water. We sat and talked and laughed some more. My mind was racing while we talked on the dock? Was he flirting? Because it sort of felt like he was flirting. And I sort of felt a little nervous, but the good kind of nervous. And before my mind could come up with an answer, LDB was kissing me. And I guess I had the answer to my question.
“Why do you have to live in LA?” I asked with genuine despair.
“I’m not thinking of it that way,” he said.
Well, what was he thinking? I wanted to know EVERYTHING he was thinking. But I didn’t ask. I felt completely confused. What about Wine Boy? He lived in
When I woke up the next morning, I’d made my decision. I was NOT going to do this to myself again. I was not going to be with someone who lived far away, who I couldn’t have a real relationship with. I was not going to kiss LDB again.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:47 PM 1 comments
Labels: 10 Days in Burma, past, writing exercise, yeah...i'm a little bit crazy
