No way out but through
Thursday, July 31, 2008
One of my oldest friends (we'll call her Buttercup) was in town from NYC this past weekend with her adorable baby. As we strolled through the gorgeous streets of Hancock Park (and I continually rammed the stroller with sleeping baby into the edge of the grass), we discussed the fact that we had definitively entered a new time in our lives. Gone are the days of bars until 4 AM, (of course, this only took place in NYC, since everything is closed by 2 out here. I am grateful everyday that I spent the majority of my 20's in NYC where a proper night out didn't end until the sun was only an hour or two away from rising.), the days of showing more skin so that we could inch our way to the front of the line, the days of Saturday nights that didn't start until 11, the days of wondering when or if the text from that guy was going to come, and the days of jumping when it did.
This has been a conversation that I've had on multiple occasions as of late, with different friends. Another of my closest described her insane evening out in NYC at the Beatrice Inn last week, surrounded by ridiculously gorgeous 24 year olds, drunk on their youth (and a few too many Ketel and soda's). When I asked her if she missed it, she didn't think twice before answering that she most definitively did not.
The attitude seems to be one of been there, done that - enjoyed it whole-heartedly and no need to look back. And I love that.
But there's often a second part to this conversation and it involves the last two things on my list of "gone". The days of wondering when or if the text from that boy was going to come and jumping when it did.
"I wish that I hadn't wasted so much time wondering if I was ever going to meet someone. I wish that I'd just been able to enjoy that time of kissing random boys, meeting new people, flirting incessantly - without so much angst involved. I wish that constant questioning and fear that I was never going to find someone hadn't hovered over that time in my life like a Jewish mother watching you eat that ice cream sundae," Buttercup vented as I once again, rammed her baby's stroller into the grass.
It was like she was reading my insane mind. I had been one to voice my fears and anxiety to my closest friends more than most. Recently, another good friend returned a phone call after a month. She has a seven week old baby. She doesn't EVER have to return phone calls as far as I'm concerned...As soon as we got on the phone she started bitching about her significant other and how much he was driving her MAD. And then she stopped and apologized.
"I haven't spoken to you in a month and the first thing I do when I get on the phone with you is complain. Nice."
My response? "It's the least I can do for you after the years where the only phone calls you got from me were full of anxiety and complaining."
She laughed. Because it was true. I had so much anxiety about not knowing how my life was going to turn out, was it going to be ok, would I be successful, would I ever meet a guy, blah blah blah blah BLAH, that I literally had to express it to my friends or my brain was going to EXPLODE with ridiculous fears. My point is, I had expressed those fears to Buttercup while they were happening. It was rare that she had expressed them to me. I had no idea that she felt plagued by the same anxieties, so much so that at times, it prevented her from enjoying that crazy and wild ride we were on.
We continued our stroll, trying to figure out a way to make money by teaching women this lesson. But the problem is that you can't teach anyone any of this. They have to learn it themselves. They have to go through it. Sure - there are all sorts of Goddess classes, The Landmark Forum, Personal Dynamics, to name a few...But none of it can teach you what you need to KNOW in order to live it.
So my question is this, why is it that the women of my generation and those younger than mine (which, incidentally, seem to be increasing every day...) don't just know? Why do we spend precious hours, months, days deep in the dark hole of anxiety? Is it because our grandmothers are constantly hounding us about when we're going to meet someone? It is because the way things are now are so different from the way things were? Because people aren't settling down right after college and so yes, "meeting people" is becoming harder and harder?
I'm fascinated by this phenomenon...and curious to know what others think...
I used to have a yoga teacher who would say that "Fear is the absence of being present. Unless a bear is chasing you or a gun is being held to your head, there's not much reason to be scared in the present moment. Especially not in downward dog."
I wish I could bottle this sentiment and sell it. But I know, given that plenty of people tried to instill this in me while I was going through it and I just. couldn't. get it. that, at the end of the day, there's no way out but through.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:39 PM
Labels: friends, introspection, life lessons
I completely agree. I am only 26 but recently up and left my home (Texas) to start a new life in Colorado (although I always had a dream of being the NYC girl), but the mountains were calling my name. While most of my friends are now married and starting to have kids, there are still a few of us single girls. I can't help but think something is missing in my life; while I have a great job and am successful, it's not like I am making a difference in the world or changing lives; or could it be that all I ever want to do is travel the world and now I am stuck back in a cube; or I hate to think it's the fact that I am single. And while I do love being single, it's still nice to share life’s adventures with someone. I'm fairly good at moving on from a guy who is not going to give me the time of day, but I still always get that anxiety of "is he going to call, text, e-mail..." and yes, when he does, it feels good. But I've somewhat learned to move on from this as it is a waste of my time, I have more important things to worry about, I’ve “grown-up” a bit, and life’s too short. If a guy does not pursue me, it's his damn loss and I can't get so anxious I want to barf, no guy is worth that. Unfortunately, that bit of anxiety may never go away. I wish I could convey this to some friends who dwell and dwell until I want to slap them in the face and tell them they are stupid for wasting their time, bc in the end, they only end up hurt.
Just started reading…love your blog.
This is interesting and speaks to a lot of the things I'm going through right now. Not really about the dating/when am I going to find a guy stuff, but more about the incessant and debilitating anxiety over the future. Sigh.
Your impressions are a little more universal then you think. This happens to men as well. OK, I will speak for myself or my kind, GAY MEN, also. Yes, in general most men are dogs at that age, but I remember going thorugh exactly what you speak about. I never dated seriously (or frivously as a matter of fact!!) until I was 27, and then I did, and I am still with that first boyfriend 10 years later.
I have great concerns over my girlfriends who are perenially single and would be wise to read your column! But I also have great concerns over my little brother: a sensitive straight boy, but going through every single worry you are speaking about. It's good to know that this is not uncommon. Thanks for pushing these thoughts to the from tof my mind! I am seeing him tonight for dinner, and it shall be a topic!!
I'm not completely convinced that it has to do with physical age. I have a girlfriend who "got it" at least 6 or 7 years after the rest of us did. And she got EVERYTHING else BUT this, so it was especially mind boggling to us all. And I see people my age - some of them even married - thriving off of the same silliness even now. Some older than me.
I think some people are just more comfortable being anxiety-filled, angst-ridden, distracted. The idea of quiet, of peace, of the complete lack of control we really have on things is terrifying to the nth degree. And so they fret and create drama where there is none to keep from, well, from just being.
you and i have discussed this before, and i loved your eloquent way of wording it to me through our emails, and in this very post. i so get this. i think you're so right in saying that you can't just "teach" this kind of thing, it's knowledge based through the experience of it all.
and i dont know why it's so easy to get caught in this anxiety, oh my god when will i find the one?, trap, but i know ive been there. some days it's better than others. some days (ahem, last night?) i was the girl who jumped when i got the text, and really? i hate being that girl. i just want to take comfort in the fact that things all have a way of working out.
i wish it were easier.
You totally put a smile on my face today and I could not relate to your blog more!! I love it :) And you know that texting feeling is always the best!