Happy New Year?
Thursday, January 3, 2008

So far 2008 has not blown me away. And I had such high hopes. I'm feeling a minor version of the letdown that I felt post-wedding/honeymoon being back in Los Angeles after 10 days filled with family and friends and children's voices and relaxation. I'm back in an office in a town where no one can do their jobs because there's a strike that's nowhere close to resolution. Ironic - that word, at this time, in this scenario.

I am not one for New Year's Resolutions. I do not make them - haven't for years. If I want to do something, then I'm not going to wait for January 1 to decide that I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it right there and then. New Year's Resolutions always strike me as being made to be broken so what's the point anyhow. I'm curious to know if there's anyone out there that actually has a track record of making and keeping resolutions.

I've strayed. It's hard to be back at work when there's no actual work to do. It gives one pause and you wonder why you can't still be up in Santa Barbara or better yet, back east in New York?

Boy, do I have a one track mind.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 5:36 PM 5 comments  

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Well said
Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I literally couldn't have said it better myself. I've tried.

It is 5:28 PM. I am staring at the screen which is fairly blurry given that my eyes are brimming with tears. There is a choke hold in my throat and a throbbing in my brain. I'm in my cubicle in my office and I don't care if anyone sees. And they would probably think me a fool if they were to ask what's wrong anyway.

I just finished reading the second part of Jon Robin Baitz' article on HuffingtonPost.com about his departure from the show he created, Brothers and Sisters, and from Los Angeles. It's appropriate that an award winning New York playwright has put into words everything that I feel about Los Angeles with such perfect genius and clarity. I was reminded of a lyric that a reader sent me about a month ago from the Neil Diamond song, I am I said:

LA's fine, but it ain't home
New York's home but it ain't mine no more

Baitz says so, so many striking things about LA - about how lonely it is, the obsession with looks and youth, about how the industry runs and how no one talks about anything else, about the way this town reeks of desperation. But that was not what brought me to tears. It amazed me with it's accuracy, with everything I have felt in my gut and soul but not quite found the words to say. But it did not bring me to tears.

No. What brought me to tears was his beautifully perfect description of New York:

"However, in New York, the life of the street, the flirtation and ebb and flow of strangers getting off of the bus, makes for a perpetual energy machine. New York is just sexier, smarter, and better dressed, less vulgar, more diverse, filled with accident, and unexpected encounters, as a rule. There is the Neue Gallery across from the Met, down the street from the Guggenheim, which is up from the Whitney, just a twenty minute walk to MOMA, across Central Park, etc, etc, forever and ever. You will see, smile at, spy on, talk to, stare at, be enchanted by any number of utterly different kinds of people within twenty minutes of leaving your apartment in NYC. A barrage rather than the white noise of the undulating palms and brackish skies of the dream coast."

And in LA...well it's all a 20 minute drive away in your isolated car and there's not even the opportunity for a chance encounter or a new meeting on the subway. And when you get where you're going, everyone turns around to see if you might be "someone" (which of COURSE you are...just not someone they know.) And I feel grateful for the few friends out here that I know with my heart are true friends because I have found that there are so many more that are not. People are harder to trust in LA. Everyone's in it for something and rarely is it just to get to know you.

As my husband and our good friend Jessica have often said, "My favorite thing about LA is leaving it."

It was appropriate that I read this after a conversation with one of my best friends and former roommates from New York in which he told me about August Osage County, a new play on Broadway that I've been told I absolutely CAN NOT miss. I haven't seen a Broadway show or an off-Broadway show in over a year. It used to be my daily life. I told him that I didn't know when I would be in New York next, that since it's a limited run, I might miss it.

But I don't WANT to miss it. I want to see it, and every other show that I've missed in the past three years.

Uch. I miss my home.

***

Find Jon Robin Baitz' posts here:
Leaving Los Angeles, (Part One: Work)
Leaving Los Angeles, (Part Two: Love)

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 5:26 PM 4 comments  

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We do not remember days...
Monday, December 31, 2007

"We do not remember days, we remember moments." -- Cesare Pavase

I'm sure it's somewhat cliched to look back on the year on December 31st - so I'll be cliche. 2007 has been a gargantuan year. A bittersweet year. A life cycle year. A year of new beginnings and great endings. A year of moments.

Our wedding overlooking the mountains surrounded by love and light and everyone important in our lives.

The way the sun shone through the clouds on the day of my grandmother's funeral and the feeling of peace that I had with her death.

The news of several of my closest friends pregnancies - in Trader Joe's from Annie, in front of my house from Kelly, driving to work from Kate.

An Italian dinner at Frankie's that celebrated the women in my life.

Making my grandmother laugh in the hospital.

Sitting in Montalcino sucking up fat spaghetti with cherry tomatoes and garlic and olive oil with everything so fresh, you could practically taste the soil.

Days in LA where I missed New York so much that it actually hurt. And days where I was glad to be in the sunshine of Los Angeles instead of the cold and bleary days back east.

Days with friends that I never wanted to end.

So many moments - they run together. Some of them too wonderful for words and some of them too painful. It has been a year of wonderful new beginnings and difficult losses and painful lessons. And growth - it has most certainly been a year of growth. I have had a year of tremendous support from family and friends and a year where I've stopped realling knowing what the difference is between the two. It has been a year of getting to know myself in a way that I feel so much better for. So much stronger for. A year of learning to judge less and to understand more. A year of standing up for what I deserve. A year of saying goodbye to bad habits. A year of change.

When I think of 2007, and I think of that scene from Parenthood where the grandmother is talking about life being a rollercoaster with incredible ups and downs. That was 2007. A perfect swirl of colors and lights and sounds with the camera of my life just spinning and spinning.

But I must say, with the last month of 2007 has come tremendous peace and calm. And that's how I'll begin 2008. I wish all of you a year filled with dreams come true. A year filled with fantastic and beautiful moments.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:20 PM 0 comments  

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Have yourself...
Monday, December 24, 2007

It is Christmas Eve and I've gotten a moment of quiet. I took out the computer while it was there and now the quiet is gone. But I enjoy the noise nonetheless. I am alternating between English Breakfast tea and J Pinot Gris. The tree is lit with ornaments the colors of the sea. Appropriate considering we are south of Santa Barbara - about 5 minutes from Rincon Beach. The house is full of laughter and children's voices and different accents and fantastic smells. There's "White Christmas" playing on the stereo and soon it will be followed by a Bob Marley or U2 Christmas song - both of which I would have been able to think of that names if only you'd asked me two glasses of wine ago. We just ate some sort of tenderloin that was out of this world and mixed baby greens with dried cranberries and stilton and candied pecans and haricot verts with marcona almonds and lemon juice and baked potatoes with creme fraiche and butter and scallions. We've just realized that we left the bottle of pinot grigio in the freezer but we've gotten it out just in time. There are cookies going out for Santa - along with a pint of Guiness and a carrot for the reindeer.

Christmas is magic.

I describe this scene because I can't quite find the words to describe how I feel. And being surrounded by these Brits, I hear myself writing this and saying "Cah-n't" in my head...like you would say car. Do other people do that? Read their emails or their articles or their blogs in the voices that they imagine are authoring? I do.

Anyhow, I can't find the words. I hope that one day I'll become the writer that can transport you there to experience everything happening as it is in my world. But for now, I'm not certain I can do it justice. We are with close friends celebrating the holiday in their home - friends who are family.

I think of a year ago. My first Christmas Eve with Fin and Russell. It was just the four of us. We gathered in this newly built living room around the fireplace and ate on the floor and drank red wine. The only light was that of the Christmas tree - the first piece of furniture to enter the new home. We laughed and spoke of the year past and the year ahead. We weren't married yet. It was our first and only Christmas as fiances with all the hope and excitement of everything to come. We spent the evening wrapping gifts and eating the cookies and carrots left out. And laughing.

We were awoken by the kids the next morning at some ungodly hour in order to open presents. It was my first Christmas morning with children and it was fantastic. We awoke to "Santa's come! SANTA'S COME!!! Michelle, Matt, come ON!" Gifts were chosen and paper was torn apart and bicycles were ridden and forts were built and Christmas morning was the most fantastic thing ever.

And here we are again a year later. There's something different the second year. A building of tradition. A lovely ease. This time the house is filled with far more people and it appears that there's no last minute gift-wrapping (although it's only 8:45 and there are still children awake. But I'm not sure my less than stellar wrapping abilities would be enhanced any by the amount of wine I've consumed.) The house has been occupied for almost a year and we've even got our own room for when we come to stay. A whole year has past and dare I say it for fear of sounding like my great aunt Connie - the kids are a year older. And so are we.

A lot has happened in this past year. I'm grateful for this evening. The same place a year later...to look back and reflect. I can't describe how I feel - can't possibly do it justice. But the genius is that I'm with people that don't need to hear the words. They just know.

I hope your Christmas is filled with all the beauty and wonderment and reflection that you could possibly ask for.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:22 PM 0 comments  

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20-something bloggers
Sunday, December 23, 2007

I have to admit, I feel like I missed out. As far as I can see, there's no such thing as 30-something bloggers. I even googled it just to be certain. There are plenty of blogs pertaining to 30-something, but no sort of community or group. There's only 20-something and I can't join. And it leaves me feeling - dare I say it - old. I was 20-something once. I had all sorts of life experiences too. I was single and dating. I could hold my liquor a whole lot better. I could live in an apartment the size of shoebox and not care less. I could live with reckless abandon. I could not know what I wanted and feel sort-of ok about it (as OK as a type A personality can feel). I was tormented (ok - sometimes still am) and drunk and free of most responsibility (although I didn't realize it then). And now, because I didn't write it down, I feel left out of a generation. But only sometimes.

There are days when I revel in 30. There are days when I am fully aware of the fact that I am just beginning to enter some of the best years of my life. They are the best because I know myself better than I did when I was in my 20's. In some ways, I'm clearer about what I want and in others, to be honest, I'm less clear. Although I'm way more willing to admit that now. I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I've got a wonderful husband and true home that I'm proud of and love spending time in. I've enjoyed getting older. Mostly. There are certainly night when I long for the New York City streets, bottles of tequila, great friends, and the mystery of the next bar. But then, don't we romanticize what's past? I remember those days with great fondness, forgetting the torment and the distress that was often a part of those years. It's easy to look back and remember the great. And while there are many moments that I have to remind myself of this, I truly believe we are meant to live in the now.

But I still feel a little left out. And perhaps it's just because there's still a part of me that's nostalgic. There's still a part of me that revels in those rare nights out where I can stay awake until 2 in the morning. I still enjoy the man that flirts with me even though there's no mystery or what if's that accompany it. When I get time with my girlfriends, I am proud to admit how much I depend on them - for advice, for companionship, for laughter. I often still feel like I'm in my 20's - but like a fine wine, a little better with time.

Still, I can't help but feel a little like I've been discriminated against. Just a little. Or perhaps it's just that I'd love another day in the life of a 20-something.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:27 PM 1 comments  

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An Ode to Peppermint Mochas
Friday, December 21, 2007

I am sitting here this morning on what is my last day in the office for the next week, sipping a peppermint mocha in pure bliss. It's not about the impending vacation, although I'm sure that's adding to my mood. It's the peppermint mocha. It lets me know that all is right with the world. Perhaps that sounds dramatic or exaggerated to you. But then my guess is that you have not had the joy of experiencing a peppermint mocha.

Peppermint mochas are my signal that the holiday season has arrived. I patiently drink regular mochas or lattes the rest of the year while I await the day when I see the deep red, snowflake covered Starbucks cup appear...signaling that it's that time of year. I take my first sip and the warm minty goodness slides down my throat, and I feel my entire body smiling from head to toe. I'm telling you. It's like liquid crack.

But perhaps my favorite part of the peppermint mocha is the fact that my love for this drink is shared with my two oldest friends who love it just as much as I do. Every year, like clockwork, an email goes out when one of us has partaken for the first time. And while it's rare that all three of us get to enjoy them in person together anymore, the phone calls to let each other know that we've just had one and thought of each other seem to come in a close second. There's nothing that makes me happier than the phone calls with what seems like potentially mundane news because in old friendships, it's anything but. Without fail I smile when I get these messages or see these emails in my inbox. I am reminded that I have friends that know me - truly KNOW me - and with whom the mundane is the most exciting of all because it keeps us up to date on the real life happenings no matter how close or far we live.

When we were 6, we ate potato latkes together in Hebrew school. When we were 8 and everyone else cut out Christmas trees in school, we were making Hanukkah bushes. When we were 13, we went shopping for our boyfriend's holiday gifts together. When we were 16, we made each other care packages to take on the plane for our respective holiday vacations filled not only with delicious treats but also with weeks worth of "notes" for our reading pleasure. When we were 18, we celebrated our first Christmas break home from college. When we were 24, we brought in the year 2000 together. And now that we're 32, we're sharing peppermint mochas. A lifetime of holidays spent together and the beauty is that, while we're no longer together physically, we'll always be together - even if just through a sip of peppermint mocha.

I raise my mocha to the two of you. Here's to the next 30 years of holidays together - be it in person, in spirit or in peppermint mocha.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 10:28 AM 1 comments  

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It's the most wonderful time of the year
Thursday, December 20, 2007

But the traffic sucks. And people driving aren't very much in any sort of holiday spirit. In fact, I would venture to say that the drivers in this town are the antithesis of the holiday spirit. I just witnessed all sorts of yelling and screaming and swearing (I tried to block my virgin ears...) Is it really that bad?

I've said it once, I'll say it again. I am not a fan of the city where one needs to own a car. Cars and driving cause all sorts of negative things, not the least of which are road rage, ill will toward others and long waits to get places.

I'm just sayin'.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:30 PM 0 comments  

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