10 Days - Part 20
Sunday, October 12, 2008

Saturday morning I woke up early. I got ready for my day and just as I was about to leave, Burma Boy woke up. He was sweet - the sweetest he'd been since I'd arrived. We both were actually. It was hitting us that this was our last day, and it was as though both of us wanted the chance to start over. Or to recognize that we didn’t know each other as well as our emails made us think that we did and operate based on that - rather than thinking we knew each other as well as we knew our closest friends.

I had decided to spend the morning touring Bangkok alone. Burma Boy had spent a lot of time in Thailand and had already seen the Grand Palace, but I felt like it was something I wanted to experience while I was there. Besides, I was enjoying my independence and was making up for some of the time that perhaps I should have taken for myself when I first arrived.

I took the river ferry up to the stunning Grand Palace. This was no FairyTale Land. This was truly beautiful. From there, I took a Tuk Tuk ride where I learned a few Thai words from the adorable driver and hit the market to buy some gifts. I didn’t have the energy for any more sightseeing. I was so exhausted from our first 9 days that I just wanted some good rest and relaxation. The trip was over. And now I needed a vacation from my trip.

After lunch, I met up with Burma Boy, Caroline, and Tom. We went for Thai massages, we went to dinner. It was actually really nice. It was lovely to be around other people, to relate outside of just the two of us. But I felt totally confused as well. I was just starting to get to know this person. All of a sudden I was questioning if perhaps I wanted to get to know him more? Would things have been different if we were under different circumstances? Was I just scared to go home to have to report that I didn’t fall madly in love? I definitely was ready to go home to be around the people that loved me, the people that I could be myself with. But all of a sudden, leaving felt bizarre.

We got into bed that night and while we were both quiet, it was clear there was more than we wanted to say. I tried. I told him that all things considered, I’d really had a good time. I’m not quite sure that was exactly what I meant…but it was the simplest way for me to express myself. I told him that I’d learned so much. I told him that I was glad that I’d come. And those last two things, I meant.

I boarded the plane at 6 AM and my head felt like it was about to explode. Not only did I need a vacation from my vacation, I needed a vacation from life. I thought that going away was going to help me to clear my head, but it seemed that I was more confused than ever. I sat on the plane and attempted to write in my journal. But mostly I cried. I cried because the movie in my head had been all wrong. I cried because I had been a pain in the ass at times. I cried because he’d been a total jackass at times. I cried because I had communicated poorly (and I was starting to realize that at times, I hadn’t communicated at all). I cried because I’d taken the risk and it hadn’t paid off. I thought I was finally going to find love and I hadn’t. I cried because I wondered if I ever would. I cried until I fell fast asleep.

I sort of half woke up when we got to Tokyo. I moved through the airport in a trance. My eyes were puffy, my backpack was too heavy, and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep and wake up in NYC. I don’t know how long I was there, I didn’t eat anything strange. In a zombie-like state, I boarded the plane and quickly fell asleep again.

When I woke up several hours later, I felt a little better. I opened my journal and began to write to Burma Boy. I wrote and I wrote until everything that I was feeling and thinking was on the page. I told him that if I had the whole thing to do over again, I would have made the trip again. I admitted that all I’d really wanted was for him to like me, that I’d been scared and nervous when I got off the plane and met him in The Great Hall. I admitted that as much as I had tried not to have expectations, I hadn’t left any room for the fact that we didn't actually know each other. So we both took certain parts of each other’s tones and habits personally, when actually, we were just being ourselves. I admitted to him the many times that he’d hurt my feelings and I admitted to him that I felt like he was disappointed in me because I couldn’t stomach the food and because I couldn’t always keep up with him. I admitted that I knew I could have done certain things differently, but I vented about all the things that I wished he’d done differently too. I told him it felt like he often didn’t listen to me. And I admitted that I was mortified that I’d accused him of talking about me with Caroline. And by the time I started to process all of the feelings I was having, it was time for me to leave and then I just felt even more confused. I wrote it all down. And then I fell back to sleep.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:37 AM  

Labels: , , ,

0 comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)