Take Me Back to Manhattan

No way out but through
Thursday, July 31, 2008

One of my oldest friends (we'll call her Buttercup) was in town from NYC this past weekend with her adorable baby. As we strolled through the gorgeous streets of Hancock Park (and I continually rammed the stroller with sleeping baby into the edge of the grass), we discussed the fact that we had definitively entered a new time in our lives. Gone are the days of bars until 4 AM, (of course, this only took place in NYC, since everything is closed by 2 out here. I am grateful everyday that I spent the majority of my 20's in NYC where a proper night out didn't end until the sun was only an hour or two away from rising.), the days of showing more skin so that we could inch our way to the front of the line, the days of Saturday nights that didn't start until 11, the days of wondering when or if the text from that guy was going to come, and the days of jumping when it did.

This has been a conversation that I've had on multiple occasions as of late, with different friends. Another of my closest described her insane evening out in NYC at the Beatrice Inn last week, surrounded by ridiculously gorgeous 24 year olds, drunk on their youth (and a few too many Ketel and soda's). When I asked her if she missed it, she didn't think twice before answering that she most definitively did not.

The attitude seems to be one of been there, done that - enjoyed it whole-heartedly and no need to look back. And I love that.

But there's often a second part to this conversation and it involves the last two things on my list of "gone". The days of wondering when or if the text from that boy was going to come and jumping when it did.

"I wish that I hadn't wasted so much time wondering if I was ever going to meet someone. I wish that I'd just been able to enjoy that time of kissing random boys, meeting new people, flirting incessantly - without so much angst involved. I wish that constant questioning and fear that I was never going to find someone hadn't hovered over that time in my life like a Jewish mother watching you eat that ice cream sundae," Buttercup vented as I once again, rammed her baby's stroller into the grass.

It was like she was reading my insane mind. I had been one to voice my fears and anxiety to my closest friends more than most. Recently, another good friend returned a phone call after a month. She has a seven week old baby. She doesn't EVER have to return phone calls as far as I'm concerned...As soon as we got on the phone she started bitching about her significant other and how much he was driving her MAD. And then she stopped and apologized.

"I haven't spoken to you in a month and the first thing I do when I get on the phone with you is complain. Nice."

My response? "It's the least I can do for you after the years where the only phone calls you got from me were full of anxiety and complaining."

She laughed. Because it was true. I had so much anxiety about not knowing how my life was going to turn out, was it going to be ok, would I be successful, would I ever meet a guy, blah blah blah blah BLAH, that I literally had to express it to my friends or my brain was going to EXPLODE with ridiculous fears. My point is, I had expressed those fears to Buttercup while they were happening. It was rare that she had expressed them to me. I had no idea that she felt plagued by the same anxieties, so much so that at times, it prevented her from enjoying that crazy and wild ride we were on.

We continued our stroll, trying to figure out a way to make money by teaching women this lesson. But the problem is that you can't teach anyone any of this. They have to learn it themselves. They have to go through it. Sure - there are all sorts of Goddess classes, The Landmark Forum, Personal Dynamics, to name a few...But none of it can teach you what you need to KNOW in order to live it.

So my question is this, why is it that the women of my generation and those younger than mine (which, incidentally, seem to be increasing every day...) don't just know? Why do we spend precious hours, months, days deep in the dark hole of anxiety? Is it because our grandmothers are constantly hounding us about when we're going to meet someone? It is because the way things are now are so different from the way things were? Because people aren't settling down right after college and so yes, "meeting people" is becoming harder and harder?

I'm fascinated by this phenomenon...and curious to know what others think...

I used to have a yoga teacher who would say that "Fear is the absence of being present. Unless a bear is chasing you or a gun is being held to your head, there's not much reason to be scared in the present moment. Especially not in downward dog."

I wish I could bottle this sentiment and sell it. But I know, given that plenty of people tried to instill this in me while I was going through it and I just. couldn't. get it. that, at the end of the day, there's no way out but through.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 2:39 PM 6 comments    

Labels: friends, introspection, life lessons

and the #1 reason to leave LA....
Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Forget the vapid people, the stupid entertainment industry, the absence of fall, winter and spring. Forget the dearth of fabulous restaurants, the 5+ hour flights, the number of hours I spend in a car.

Earthquake outshines all these other reasons to get the hell out. It's moved to number one on my list.

A 5.4 earthquake to be exact.

I think it's time to move back east.

Someone please be kind enough to explain to me how a CONCRETE structure can sway like it's a kite, blowing in the wind?

I do not ever, EVER in my life need to experience another earthquake. EVER.

NYC...you're calling my name more and more every day.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 12:37 PM 3 comments    

Labels: LA rant, NYC

MIA
Thursday, July 17, 2008

I'm not feeling it these days. I mean, I'm feeling lots of things. But my attempt to put the thoughts swirling in my head into words on a page has found me staring aimlessly at my screen wondering what I was attempting to do in the first place.

And it's not just that I feel like my writing sucks (because as some of you know - or at least I know - I am an overly critical person on my best days and downright judgmental of and hard on myself on my worst.) It's that nothing is coming out. Nothing.

I can't even come up with a list of things I could write about. My head is spinning with the already memories of our trip, making plans for the holidays (yes, I am a totally neurotic and insane planner. I own it.) among other trips, trying to decide if we should get Thursday a friend to keep her company because as fabulous as we are, only dogs speak dog.

And yet, amidst all this, I've been remarkably present. Remarkably in the now. Remarkably aware of the lack of control I have over MOST of the things in my life. And remarkably, I've been ok with all of this.

It's leaving me with little angst and perhaps that's where my lack of intelligent prose has been locked away. With my angst. I can't say I miss it so much. I'm enjoying it. But I know me and you know me and of course the angst will return. Probably with an insane vengeance.

I hope, however, that my ability to write shows up again before the angst. Until then, I'll keep staring until it hits me, as it did today, to acknowledge the fact that I've been very MIA.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 6:02 PM 3 comments    

Labels: daily, on bloggers and blogging, random thoughts

This is truly amazing...
Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:33 PM 1 comments    

The Return Post
Monday, July 7, 2008

Hi.

I've been gone a long time.

I decided it was time to get my ass in gear and get back on here. As soon as I made that decision, I got so totally overwhelmed with the idea of writing that instead, I went to check out my blogging friends here and here because it seemed like it would be far easier to try and catch up on their lives than to start to get back in the swing of my own.

But that only last so long...and before I type in another blog address or go read that script staring at me, I decided I needed to type in this address.

I have so many things to discuss, but rather than try to do them all in one post, I think I'll give some highlights here and then choose whether or not I want to revisit any in the future or perhaps just move forward with what life hands me these days.

So for now:

TUSCANY. Is like a dream. This was my second time there in a little over a year and yes, I am aware that I am ridiculously lucky. We were there with my husband's whole family.

This was the sunset one night on our drive back up the dirt road to our villa. One of the things that amazed me in Europe was how active the elderly are. I saw 75 year old women on motorbikes, 80 year old women at the market and carting their groceries home afterward. Everyone seems to encourage older people to stay active and with all the small towns having life's necessities within their walls (wine, cheese, produce, and shoes...clearly life's necessities...), they are constantly able to and encouraged to do for themselves. It's a very social lifestyle, with people truly sitting on their stoops having late afternoon conversation with their neighbors. We see these things in movies and think, with our fast-paced, get ahead American lifestyle, that this can't possibly be how they live over there. But it is. The stores close from 1:30-4:30 every day so that people can have lunch with their friends or their families or their co-workers. There is no such thing as "lunch at your desk" or a 30-minute lunch break. They respect the idea of "time off", the idea that the human body needs to replenish. It will never be like that here...but I can still envy and dream. And eat lots and lots of pici while I'm in Italy. Pici is handrolled "fat" spaghetti that's made with egg (regular spaghetti is not) and I especially love it with a melted cherry tomato and garlic sauce.

I felt like a kid in a candy store (and from the picture on the right, you can see that I sort of was) in La Boqueria, their daily market filled with the freshest fruit I've ever seen...so beautiful that it seemed impossible that it was real and a taste so unbelievable that almost seemed impossible it was real as well.

We did more than I thought possible in 3 days - even exercised our Spanish skills a bit (and you can only imagine how flattered I was when someone asked me for directions and I was actually able to give them in Spanish!) Barcelona is a city full of play. The goal is to work as little as possible so as to be able to enjoy life as much as possible. We met amazing, interesting people that I am confident we will see again. I truly didn't want to leave this city...felt as though we only brushed the surface.

Every time I travel, I am inspired. Inspired to learn more about others, to learn more about myself. And while I try to subscribe to the school of no regrets and moving forward rather than looking back, I will always regret not studying or living abroad when I was younger. Matt and I are determined to expose our children to different cultures at young ages...perhaps to even go live overseas somewhere with them for a summer or a year. But I do envy the mobile. Those who have little tying them down, who seek out adventure and live in different worlds. I thought that's what I would do after my trip to Burma but then I quickly met a boy and while LA has definitely been an adventure and it's definitely a different world...it's not quite what I had in mind.

I have so many thoughts coursing through my veins, exploding in my brain...it's just a matter of time before they all show up here. But for today, I bid you adios, buena sera, good bye.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 11:51 AM 2 comments    

Labels: daily, travels