The 120th Day
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday was my 120th day. Well, at least I think it was. It's hard to know exactly, but I counted from the day that I think the baby was conceived.
This woman is nuts, you're thinking. Why on EARTH would she need to know when her 120th day falls?
In the yogic tradition, the 120th day is the day that a woman actually becomes a mother because that is the day that the soul of the baby actually enters the body. It is said that from that day forward, the baby is aware of everything the mother says, feels, thinks - the people she surrounds herself with, the music she listens to, the food she eats - and all of this shapes the baby.
Now I KNOW she's nuts.
Perhaps. But I've been a yoga devotee for several years now and I have no doubt that yoga had a huge positive influence on my first pregnancy and birthing experience so I've been going even more this time around. So when one of my teachers, Akal, told me that she would love to celebrate my 120th day in class, I got out my calendar and I counted.
Class fell on Tuesday (since I don't know for CERTAIN the exact day, it all works out - right?) and on Tuesday, we did a meditation and mantra to welcome our baby's soul. It was was absolutely amazing. In the week preceeding the class, I noticed that I had started feeling more connected to the baby. I don't know if it's because I had felt like total ass for the first 18 weeks of my pregnancy and I was finally starting to feel better. I don't know if it's because the baby was starting to move more. Or perhaps, just perhaps, it was because the baby's soul was entering it's body - and that left me feeling more connected. But I did. And on Tuesday morning, as we chanted a beautiful sanskrit meditation, I swear I felt bathed in warm golden sunlight.
Perhaps I am nuts. Or perhaps this baby is going to bring more warm, golden sunlight into my life than I ever could have imagined. Or perhaps it's a little bit of both...
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:23 PM 2 comments
Labels: we're having a baby, yoga
LOVE AND LIGHT
Monday, August 16, 2010
To be honest with you, I don’t know if the movie Eat Pray Love was good or not. I don’t know because I felt moved at times, inspired, and connected. A movie doesn’t have to be well done to do that, but when it does do those things for me, it’s hard for me to determine if I think it’s a good movie. I’ve seen a few HORRIBLE movies that I left the theater loving because I related. Upon 2nd viewing, I would realize that it was simply the circumstance or the place I was in my life at that moment or whatever – but that the movie itself was actually awful. I don’t know if Eat Pray Love falls into this category (the reviews would have me believe so) or not, but I left feeling satisfied.
In the past year, I have struggled with a few close relationships in my life. Close is a funny word to describe them, because that’s exactly what I no longer feel with these people. None of them have relationships with each other – the only thing they have in common is that at one time in their lives, they had an extremely close relationship with me. And from my perspective, we don’t have the same relationship anymore. The details are different with each person but the underlying reason is the same. Things change. People change – even the people that you are sure you know because you’ve known them for 10 or 15 or 20 years. We all grow up and new people enter our lives and new experiences effect us and we grow and we shift and we change. So we’ve probably both changed and with that, so has the friendship. I don’t know whether or not they feel the things that I feel, but I no longer feel good or happy or fulfilled by these relationships. I often find myself angry after interactions with any of these people. I go in hoping things will be what they once were – but fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, well – you know the rest. So shame on me for expecting things to be different at this point. I leave angry, hurt, frustrated, nostalgic. But more than anything, I’m left sad. And conflicted. I care deeply for all of these people. But I no longer desire to have the relationship that we once had. And my inability to figure out how to “let go” has taken up a part of my being that would be so much better used for other, more positive things. I ultimately wind up angry at MYSELF. Why am I letting someone that I don’t even really LIKE anymore get to me so deeply? Why am I spending so much time thinking about it? Why, just when I think I’ve gotten to a new level, does something happen that sends me reeling all over again? And in the end, I’m the one who’s left with all the shit swimming in my head and my heart. It’s not good for me.
So I’m going to try something new. When anything happens with one of these people, or if I just happen to be thinking about them for whatever reason – be it because they’ve reached out or have come up in conversation or whatever – instead of thinking and thinking and thinking some more about what used to be and what isn’t now and what happened the last time we saw each other or spoke that just chipped another piece away from the relationship – I’m going to send them Love and Light and then I’m going to move them out of my consciousness. It makes sense – I struggle because I do love, even if I don’t like so much anymore. And looking for answers has my chasing my tail. So I’m going to try only being positive and letting go.
Yes it’s totally idealistic. But I’ve been trying to let go for a few years with some of these people and nothing has worked. So as someone smart once said, “Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:45 PM 1 comments
Labels: books, friends, introspection, life lessons, movies, musings on life
Seeing the world through different eyes
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
We're in NYC for Thanksgiving and today we went up to the Central Park Zoo with Evvy's 2 year old cousin, Eli. It was a great afternoon, save the fact that my daughter has chosen this trip to NYC to boycott her stroller-which means I strapped her to my chest for our entire walk through the zoo. Oh and did I mention that Evvy is not so fond of shoes? Eli's favorite phrase by the end of the day was "shoe alert! Shoe alert!!" Because that's what I said every single time my daughter's shoes were kicked off. Which totalled about 50.
Anyhow, I kept my eyes on my kid more than anything else. And she kept her eyes on the entire world. The lights, the noises, the tall buildings, the trees- it was a visual playground for my 8 month old daughter. And I got to see NYC through her eyes. Everywhere she looked I looked. She was absolutely exhausted. Yawns for days...but it didn't matter- she wasn't going to miss a thing. Reminded me of myself back in the day...didnt matter how tired I was. I could sleep when I got back to LA.
We got through the zoo, then walked down Fith Ave past the silver clad windows of Bergdorf Goodman, the lit up red bow of Cartier, the horns and the yelling and the every day average sounds of NYC- all unfamiliar to my little girl. When it was time to go home, it was 4 PM. For those of you who don't know, that's the time that many many cabs go off duty, making finding one a nearly impossible feat. We walked and walked. We tried the stroller, but she wasn't having it. It started to spit, but she a hat on and didn't care if she got a little wet as long as she could look up and see everything. We walked fromthe east side to the west side. I sang her songs as she yawned, hoping to make her sleep, but instead they made her laugh which truthfully, was probably better than sleep ever would have been. There were no cabs to be found and while my feet were ready to fall off, I decided I'd rather sacrifice my feet than take the subway in the age of swine flu.
We walked down 9th, which was a veritable parking lot and around 45th I realized that my child was going to have to get in her stroller if we were going to make it downtown. She screamed, I walked faster and 3 short blocks later, at 42nd, we finally found a cab. The second we got inside, away from the lights and the sounds and the smells, my little girl fell asleep in my arms.
It was exhausting. Made me question whether or not I could truly have a baby in this city. My feet freaking killed (still do), my hair was a disaster (still is), my child barely napped (and for those of you that have kids, you know that's a NIGHTMARE.)
But. At the end of the day, I can honestly say that it was the best view I've ever had of NYC.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:31 PM 2 comments
parenting in a nutshell
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 7:03 PM 1 comments
Labels: daily, I HAVE a baby
Two Years
Thursday, August 27, 2009
So it's 110 in the shade, my baby is getting her first 2 teeth, we're moving in 3 days and today I tripped over a bouncy chair, an activity jumper and a pacifier. Life is a little hectic right now. But it occurred to me when I opened my email and found that it was time to renew my domain name (aka the website name www.fromnytola.com for those of you who aren't literate in the blogosphere) that I have been writing this blog for two whole years. And while I've been fairly neglectful as of late, I've gotten several random comments here and there that let me know that there are a bunch of you out there that are still reading. (Thank you, by the way. For not neglecting me just because I've become the most inconsistent blogger EVER.)
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:36 PM 0 comments
Labels: is it possible I like it here?
Tales of an 8th Grade Nothing
Sunday, August 16, 2009
In 8th grade I slapped Adam Fletcher across the face. I was about 4'10 and being that he was the star of the basketball team, he was significantly taller than 4'10. Adam Fletcher and I "dated" for about 2 minutes. Dated the way you do in 8th grade.
"Wanna go out with me?" and by go out, he meant be his girlfriend to write notes to, meet at lockers and if it lasted long enough, kiss behind the movie theater on the weekends.
"Sure," I responded, giddy to be the flavor of the month for the star of the basketball team.
I don't actually remember how it was that Adam Fletcher and I came to be an item. But I do remember how it ended. It was a short-lived romance. I don't recall how short lived, but short lived enough that I'm pretty certain there was none of that kissing behind the movie theater on the weekend. I'm going to guess that we lasted about 3 or 4 days - tops.
Adam broke up with me and when he did, he proceeded to tell me that he'd actually never really been interested in me in the first place. He only asked me out to get back at his ex-girlfriend who had recently broken is heart and who happened to be my best friend. And it wasn't that he thought she'd be jealous because he was dating me. He figured we were so attached at the hip that by breaking up with me, he would somehow be hurting her the way she had hurt him. This makes absolutely no sense, but I swear to you, this is what he told me. Or rather, this is what he had the person who broke up with me for him tell me.
I was fuming. I didn't really like Adam Fletcher all that much, but I certainly wasn't going to be anyone's pawn in a stupid game of heartache. And so, I marched my 4 foot 10 inch self into the annex after lunch. I tapped Adam Fletcher on the shoulder as he stood at his locker. When he turned around, I peered up at him and said, "I have one thing to say to you...", I smacked him across the face, looked at him long enough to see the look of pure shock and then turned on my heel and walked out of the annex the same way I had come in. I heard him screaming something after me that I believe included some sort of profanity. But I didn't care. I had shown him I was not a pawn in his game of chess.
My next class was Social Studies and Mr Chiango asked to see me in the hall before class started. It had never dawned on me that I could possibly get in trouble for doing what I had done (which was, in fact, HITTING someone at school.) Mr. Chiango lectured me about how I could have really gotten in trouble but even more, I could have gotten hurt. But before he was done with me, he broke into a smile from ear to ear and said, "But good for you kid." and then told me to NEVER EVER do anything stupid like that again.
I walked back into class with a spark in my step. Even the teacher was thrilled with my decision. I don't think I spoke to Adam Fletcher again for the rest of the year until we were "graduating" from Jr. High. He came and sat next to me on the bus and apologized for being such a dick. And then he told me that I had a "great right hook".
I wonder if Adam Fletcher remembers this story and if he does, I wonder if he remembers it the same way that I do. I wonder if Adam Fletcher remembers anything else about me because I can't, for the life of me, remember a thing about him after 8th Grade.
What made me think of Adam Fletcher? Well, he friend requested me on Facebook recently. It made me think about him and I realized that in my mind, Adam Fletcher is still the little shit who asked me to go out with him so he could break up with me to get back at my best friend. But clearly, that's no longer who Adam Fletcher is. I actually have no idea who he is, but I hope he's happy.
It made me think about perceptions, the way we think about people from our past. I know that I am left with the way that I knew them last. But there is always room for change and I can only hope that people that haven't seen me in ages, who don't know me anymore would leave room for me to be a different person than I was when they knew me. And I can only hope that I would do the same for them.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:36 PM 4 comments
Labels: random thoughts
No way out but through.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I. Am. OVERWHELMED. With a capital O in case you missed it there.
I had a babysitter today. For five hours. Sounds great - right? And I got home 20 minutes before it was time for her to leave...thinking I could eat something (since I am starving ALL the time. ALL. I'm never not hungry. I ate an Indian feast for dinner...still hungry. ALWAYS.) I unpacked the car, walked in the front door and was greeted by the pups. Oh yeah, I thought. I have dogs. They need to be walked. Dogs first, eating second.
So I walked the dogs and when I got back in, I decided it would be much faster if I put the car seat and strolled in the car without Evvy in them. So I did that. Dogs, then stroller, then eating. But then I came back in and realized I HAD to change because I was broiling in my outfit. Dogs, then stroller, then change, and then I'll eat. But then I realized it was 1:57 and my sitter was only here until 2 and we had class at 2:30. So eating didn't happen at home.
No. Eating happened at McDonald's. What? You didn't hear me??? MC-freaking-Donald's. That's what I ate today for lunch. Because I was so hungry I was starting to see stars and there is NOT ENOUGH FREAKING TIME IN THE DAY TO EAT ANYMORE. So I ate McDonald's and thought. "Is this really my life? Eating McDonald's on the run???"
Did I mention we're moving? Yeah - in 3 weeks. Oh and did I mention that this just happened a few days ago? So no - I wasn't exactly prepared for it. So we're moving in 3 weeks and my babysitter is going back to college and there is SOOO much crap to do and on top of it, the sleep training, which in general is going amazingly well, seems to have caused me to sleep LESS because I wake up now and feel the need to check on my child since she is no longer waking me up during the night. Ummmm - isn't that the OPPOSITE of what's supposed to happen? I thought her sleeping through the night was supposed to equal me sleeping through the night. Instead I'm starting to feel catatonic. Why am I sitting down to write then? (you ask this because I haven't written more than twice in the past four months. normal question.) BECAUSE APPARENTLY AS SOON AS BEDTIME ROLLS AROUND I'M WIDE AWAKE. Yup. I was up from 12:30 AM to 3 AM last night. Wiiiiiiiide awake. Just as I am now at 10:52. Thinking of all the things I have to do because as soon as I cross three things off my to do list, 5 more pop into my head.
And about that sleep training...Did I mention the fact that I am now being tortured because my daughter initially took to sleep training so well? Yes. She learned to sleep in no time. However, being so well rested allowed her the energy to finally roll over. The problem? She rolls over in her crib and while she sleeps fabulously on her back, she hasn't figure out that she can put her head down while she's on her stomach. So of course, Like the good mother I am, I've been going in and rolling her over and within seconds, she's asleep. But today, it was pointed out that she needs to learn that she can sleep on her stomach. And the only way she'll learn that is if I let her figure it out. Letting her figure it out = much crying in frustration. There goes my good mother theory down the drain. So tonight, I let it go on for as long as I could stand (she fell asleep on her belly for about 45 minutes before waking up again and WAAAAAAAILING) and then I did it - I rolled her over. Two seconds later she was fast asleep. I just couldn't stand it anymore. Tomorrow night I'll try again. I'll let her be frustrated. But I'd had it tonight...I needed to give her a quick fix.
It struck me as I was thinking about this whole process - this is life. You have to cry in frustration before you figure it out. No one can tell you or figure it out for you. They can't protect you from it or do it for you. You have to do it yourself to really learn. And most of the time that's accompanied by a lot of frustration (and often some tears as well.) It doesn't matter if you're learning to roll over, figuring out how to ride a bike, learning how to be in a relationship, trying to get a job or going after the things you've always wanted most. It's really quite simple. You just have to keep reaching through the frustration until you get there. And as long as you don't give up, you will figure it out. So while she cries in frustration as she learns a new skill, I'll have to breathe through my frustration and let her.
Dogs, then stroller, then change, the McDonald's...then breathe. I'm going to try to the move that last one to the front of the list...right after I make sure I eat.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 10:43 PM 0 comments
Labels: daily, I HAVE a baby, random thoughts
