Live the Questions Now
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The days seem to be going by faster than I can keep track of and all of a sudden, I'm having a baby in 4 months. What the hell?? I just got pregnant! How did all of this happen so freaking fast? How is it Thanksgiving?
The impending birth of a child has made me sit back and reflect a lot. On my past 33 years (ok, ok - I don't remember being 2. But at least most of my "adult" life when I wasn't too drunk to forget. Did I just say adult life? Heh. Who's an adult? Just because I'm having a baby now I'm supposed to be an adult???) I'm reflecting on the things that I want to instill in my kids. On the traits I have that I'd like to work on more so that they don't learn my behavior. On the ways in which I'd like to help my kids see the world. (Sure, it's singular now...but now that the can of worms has been opened...)
It's been a highly reflective time, but I've had trouble finding the words to frame it. I'm working hard on staying present these days - on enjoying the small moments. I'm starting to understand that each moment that happens will only last for a small amount of time. And while some of the phases I've been through in my life have been tumultuous, have felt tortured and confused - I have looked back upon many of those times, feeling like I didn't know how good those tortured moments were.
I think sometimes life is hard to see while we're living it. But I don't want to turn around and feel like I wasn't truly experiencing each moment anymore because I was so anxious to get out of it and get some answers. I think I'm starting to realize that Rilke had a point. That the only way to find the answers is to live your way into them...
I think that's what I want to instill most in my kids. That it's ok to not know the answers before you leap. That leaping is the only way to truly find the answers. And that it's ok to wade and to wallow a bit while you try to figure out which direction to leap in. That it's ok to fall down - as long as you get back up. That when the doors all seem locked, try a window, and if the windows are locked too, find a vent. To treat others with compassion. To have patience for those around you - to work hard on having that patience with those who try it most because they probably need it the most. To stand your ground with what you believe in and to live it out loud and strong. To move forward but not forget where you come from. To fly high but keep your feet firmly fastened on the ground. To ask questions and to search and explore. That grudges are cancerous and there's no point in holding them. You don't have to like everyone or everything, but it's so much better for your spirit and your health to let it go and move forward.
Do I live these ideas? Some of them...not all of them. Some of the time, not all of the time.
And there are the things that I am working on right now. I am too hard on myself and therefore, often too hard on others. I try too hard to keep everyone else happy but sometimes I just need to make myself happy. I know that when I don't like someone or something, I'm not so great at hiding it. I'm really loud. I'm constantly afraid of letting people down. I question my abilities too often. I need to be more flexible and learn to relinquish control. I'm learning to ask myself what truly bothers me in situations that do - rather than to just get angry, upset, irrational, etc. To get to the bottom of why I feel a certain way, rather than just letting the emotion take over me completely. So I'm learning. I guess having a baby is making me want to be better.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:31 PM 0 comments
Labels: conscious living, musings on life, we're having a baby
Small Victories
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I'm getting a refund!!!! I just got a call from Searle NYC apologizing profusely for how I was treated and letting me know they'd be refunding my money in full.
It's the little things people. Well...I guess $400 isn't so little...but you know what I mean. WHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 11:55 AM 1 comments
Assorted Rants on A Tuesday
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
This place is supposed to be my "outlet" - so to speak...so I'm outing.
I am having a mini meltdown. It might be because I'm pregnant. It's entirely possible. I mean, I did cry after being yelled at by the director of sales and marketing at Searle NYC. And he was unquestionably a total jackass on the phone - BUT. I'm not so sure it warranted tears. That said, I'm confused about the incident because I wouldn't say I've been overly emotional in the past five months. Or perhaps I've just lost all perspective, gone entirely insane and I've actually been a total nut case. Clearly I've lost my ability for self-awareness.
Why did this person yell at me, you ask? That's a great question and one I will gladly answer. You see, I purchased a pair of boots from the Searle NYC website a few weeks ago. I had been eyeing them and I was in desperate need of a new pair of black boots. These were exactly what I had been looking for, so I decided to order them. I have become quite the promo code sleuth and when I found one for 20% off, I ordered them PRONTO. I love a good bargain (as you know given my proclivity toward Jewish tourettes.) The boots came and were not quite what I had in mind - they were slouchy, and I was looking for good old fashioned straight up and down boots. When I looked on the site, I noticed they had the SAME EXACT style at what was considered 3/4 height. The reason they slouched was because I am short and so there was too much boot for them to stand up straight on my legs. So I saw 3/4 and figured they'd be perfect. I sent away for an exchange. I'd been told that I'd receive an email letting me know when the boots had been received and when my new ones went out. They received the boots I was returning on 10/21. I know this from my UPS tracking number - not because the company emailed me as they had promised. I emailed them 5 days later to check in and still heard nothing. So I called to find out where the hell my boots were and also to tell them that, at this point, I didn't really want the boots anymore. Last Thursday I received an email from the director of sales and marketing telling me they'd already sent out my boots 2 day mail and he'd send me the tracking number (which, by the by, he never did.) The boots arrived yesterday. The boots do not fit over my pregnant calves. Not even close. Oh well...I tried. I emailed the director this morning for a return authorization code. The slip in the box was marked final sale, which I knew must have been a mistake since I would NEVER purchase final sale shoes that I hadn't tried on. N.E.V.E.R.
The response I got was the following:
Michelle,
Of course, I went IMMEDIATELY to the website to find this statement. I berated myself the entire time. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO FOOLISH?!?!?? What the hell was I thinking? It was no bargain if I couldn't return the freaking shoes! And what's a pregnant lady going to buy in a clothing store (especially when that money should be put toward other boots or saved for her unborn child?) I continued to yell at myself in my own head until I arrived at the Searle website and saw the following written clearly at the bottom of the check out page:
All sale merchandise can be exchanged for merchandise of equal or greater value.
Ok. Fine. Sale Merchandise is not the same as items purchased at a discount. Not at ALLLLLL. I stopped yelling at myself and called the gentleman who had responded to me above. I went in with a smile on my face, knowing I would get further if I started out the interaction being nice.
"Hi Rick, this is Michelle. I just received your email and I wanted to chat with you."
"Uh huh."
"Well, I took a look at your website. And while it states clearly that sale items can only be exchanged, it doesn't make mention of promo..."
"MICHELLE!" he interrupted me, "You can't return them. You used a promo code, you bought an item on sale. You are welcome to exchange the shoes."
"Well, I actually didn't buy an item on sale. I used a promo code to get a discount on an item. There's a diff..."
"MICHELLE!" he raised his voice to me again, "You're talking semantics here. There's no difference. I've never had a problem with this before."
"Yes Rick. We are talking semantics. But when you're writing something on your site, then semantics are actually important. And to be honest, I called you being perfectly pleasant, wanting to discuss the matter with you, and now you are raising your voice to me and actually being quite rude."
Which is, indeed, what happened. I called this man, wanting to have a conversation, and he literally jumped down my throat. He snapped back at me when I told him he was being rude and told me, once again, that I was talking semantics. That seemed to be his only go-to defense.I told him that I would be happy to contest the charge on my credit card and happy to speak to a lawyer (not that I would hire one, by the way, but my best friend is a lawyer and a damn fine one who would let me know if I had a leg to stand on, but it did seem to me that legalese is all ABOUT semantics so his argument could be used directly against him...) He told me to go right ahead. I asked to speak with someone above me. He told me there WASN'T anyone above him. I got off the phone.
And started to cry.
WHAT THE HELL!?!? Listen, I may have been wrong...but there was absolutely NO REASON (especially if I WAS wrong) that this douchebag should be raising his voice to me! In fact, if it was clear and concise on the website, I would imagine that he would have kindly directed me to the page where I could find the information that I had missed when I bought the merchandise and showed me my mistake. Instead, he tore into me...WHO TAUGHT HIM ABOUT CUSTOMER SERVICE????
I'm still working on this. I called the corporate office and got the name of the owner of the company who I tried to get in touch with for a couple of days and after not being able to reach her directly, I wrote her a damn good letter which I faxed off this morning. And look, I might not get a refund...but no one, NO ONE, especially in customer service, should be speaking to a customer that way. And I want someone to know that's how I was treated by their director of marketing and sales. And I'd also like my money back.
I mean...am I nuts? Do any of you think of a promo code as being an item on sale??? Please. Feel free to tell me that I'm wrong.
Then there's the fact that people seem to think that it's ok to tell you how big/swollen/fat you look when you're pregnant. The fat comment was meant as a joke (I think?!?) but it still wasn't ok. Trust me...I spend a lot of time every day reminding myself that my body is beautiful as it becomes increasingly difficult for me to bend over to pick something up. I don't even want to get into how it feels to roll to my other side in the middle of the night (but I will say that if someone invented a device that would do all the work and get me from my left to my right and back again every few hours or so, I would pay a LOT of money for it.) I know people think that when you're pregnant you KNOW you're going to get bigger so it's OK for them to say, "WOW! You got bigger overnight!" And they literally mean overnight when you are away for a wedding weekend. And for the record, this was NOT one of the times that I had actually grown overnight. Trust me - if anyone notices when I grow overnight, it's me. I especially love the people who haven't see you and say, "WOW! Look at your stomach." Yes, look at my stomach - it's big. BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT.
What's interesting is the number of absolute strangers I've had telling me how beautiful I look. I went to Bloomingdales on Saturday and I left feeling like I was on cloud 9. Everywhere I went, in the parking garage waiting for the elevator, at the makeup counter returning something, at the Jo Malone counter buying something, on the escalator up...people kept telling me that I was an adorable pregnant person or that I just looked radiant. I'm not bragging. Or at least I don't mean to be. It just felt SOOOOOOOOO good to hear. (Sidenote sally: My husband tells me I'm beautiful all the time. Pretty much every day. He has never once told me I look big - only beautiful. Men - you should do this if you're wife is pregnant. Even if he doesn't mean it, it's very smart of him.) But it was so nice - instead of hearing that I looked big or swollen - to hear that I looked good. And from total and complete strangers. It was a breath of fresh air. So if you see a pregnant woman today, tell her she looks great. It will truly MAKE her day. Especially if she feels like the state puffed marshmallow woman.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:45 PM 1 comments
Labels: random thoughts, things that get me riled up, we're having a baby, yeah...i'm a little bit crazy
Pop goes the stomach
Thursday, November 6, 2008
It's the oddest thing. Sometimes I look down and feel like I must be in someone else's body because there is NO WAY IN HELL that the stomach I am looking at is mine. There's no possible way that this protrusion in front of me belongs to MY body...never mind what it MEANS.
This is a new sensation - one that I've started feeling only in the past week or so. Prior to that, I had a bit of a bump. I enjoyed it...it was cute. It was fun to finally show it off once I'd gone public to everyone. It was nice to actually look pregnant rather than just fat. I felt extremely connected to my body. But I woke up on Monday morning after an evening of Mexican food and all of a sudden, I had grown. And I mean GROWN. All of a sudden, I was freaking PREGNANT.
The past few days, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I'm totally shocked. Like I'm staring at a different person. A responsible person. An adult who's having a CHILD. I get confused... I'm the person with a flat stomach (one of my body parts that I consistently feel good about). I'm the girl who loves to go out for drinks, to try the latest restaurant. Who flies to NYC for a 36 hour weekend trip to see her friends because she can. Who has subscribed to the idea that 30 is the new 20. I'm the girl who does extra chatarangas during her yoga vinyasas. I'm the girl who's been climbing the corporate ladder, who's finally starting to get where she's been trying to go. So it's hard for me to figure out where "I'm the girl who's going to be a MOTHER" fits into that whole equation.
Don't get me wrong. This is clearly NOT the first time I've thought about this. I did not go into this whole thing blindly. In fact, I thought about it quite a lot. My husband would have had me knocked up walking down the aisle if it had been his choice...but it wasn't. I was quite clear about what it would mean to have a child. (Or at least, as clear as one can be until one actually HAS said child.) I was aware of that it would mean tremendous gains and gifts, but also significant sacrifice. I was aware that it was going to change our lives in every possible way. And I took my time, refusing to rush into something so monumental, insisting that we wait until I truly felt ready.
And so we did. And I did...feel ready, that is.
But this stomach (or belly as many have endearingly referred to it,) is all of a sudden staring me in the face saying, "Really? REAAAAAAAAAALLY are you ready? You have no IDEA how your life is going to change. You have no concept of what lies ahead. You can think about having a child, but you can't prepare. You have ten months of living with the idea but then all of a sudden you go into the hospital and come home with a BABY. That is with you for the next eighteen years. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Thirty is no longer the new twenty sweetheart. Welcome to adulthood."
For the past few days, my stomach talks and I listen. I am sure (although I've yet to discuss with any of my friends who are already parents) that this is quite normal. I'm sure most pregnant women's stomachs chat with them here and there throughout pregnancy. I'm sure most women have a moment where they say to themselves "WHAT AM I DOING???" And mine is here.
But then I feel the baby move. And I pretty much tell the stomach, "I know exactly what I'm doing." It's just me and the baby in those moments. No one else can feel the baby moving yet. It's just the two of us for a little while longer. And I'm not going to waste a single moment of that time. Because when I feel that little flutter inside my stomach, I know that everything is right with the world. And while everything in our life is going to change and I have absolutely NO IDEA what that's going to look like, it's only going to get better.
you can read more about my belly from my husband's perspective at www.meeshandthebelly.blogspot.com
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:25 PM 2 comments
Labels: we're having a baby
HOPE
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Today I feel hope for a new tomorrow. Today I feel a world with a little less hate, a little more acceptance. Today I feel a world where dreams can come true. Today I am proud to live in a country that believes in change. Today I feel proud to be an American - a feeling I've not felt in a really long time. Today I feel inspired. Today I feel a world filled with possibility.
Today I feel excited about the world we are bringing our child into.
But I am not blind to the irony that exists in a country that voted for change but is also voting to openly discriminate against same sex couples. In Florida, same sex couples can not marry. In Arizona, not only can they not marry, but they can no longer adopt children. And in California, Prop 8 passed by a narrow margin, overturning the decision that same sex couples have the same rights as heterosexual couples.
I can't help but feel I need an umbrella for my parade today. In the grand scheme of things, open-minded won. In the smaller scheme, discrimination was justified again and again. I supposed I simply need to look at it as the next hurdle in a country where we overcame a huge one. It's just hard to understand how any minority - be it women or blacks or any one else who had to fight for the right to anything - could sit back and deny someone else their rights. And these propositions didn't pass based solely on the votes of white men.
But. We did it. We looked forward to change, to something new, to hope. We did it once, we can do it again.
Yes we can.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:05 PM 1 comments
Labels: it's always dumb to talk politics, musings on life, on a soapbox, we're having a baby
Thoughts for Monday lifted from the back of my Starbucks cup
Monday, November 3, 2008
The way I see it
Isn't necessarily
The way you see it
Or the way it is
Or ought to be
What's more important
Is that we're all
Looking for it
And a way to see it
--Desi Di Nardo
Author and poet.
She lives in Toronto, Canada.
Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 10:37 AM 0 comments
Labels: daily, musings on life, random thoughts
