This post brought to you by the grape Chardonnay
Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Why is it that we don't learn most of things we need to learn to help us through an experience until we've already been through that experience and sort of...in some way or another...screwed it up. It's true. You learn lessons from...well...lessons. You learn from doing. From being. From living. But that means that the living produces heartache and feelings of failure and confusion. You ask yourself what if you'd known that before you were here, in this moment? You wonder why the epiphany comes after the moment when you needed it most.

Is this just how life works? As Alanis once said, "You live, you learn. You breathe, you learn." Is that just how it is? So you do it better next time?

Are we simply who we are, the better and wiser versions of ourselves, because we make mistakes, because we fall down? Sometimes I'd just like to walk without tripping.

How do some people do it right the first time? Do they remember from past lives or something?

All thoughts on an evening of perhaps a bit too much chardonnay.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 10:35 PM 4 comments  

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In which she learns that there's more to her than she might realize...
Thursday, April 17, 2008

I've always worked better with restrictions. I'm not so good with simply "write a story" or "paint a picture" or just go create something...without any guidelines to follow. For many people, this might feel freeing. It allows them to be as creative and inspired as they want to be. Not so for me. I am inspired by figuring out how to create inside of limitations. A puzzle or a problem if you will. Free reign makes me uncomfortable. Freedom makes me second guess. While the lack of limitations very clearly says "there's no right or wrong", I am constantly left feeling as though I can still do it wrong and will. That mine will never be as creative as everyone else's.

This was the case when I got my first assignment for class last week:

On an approximately 8-1/2 x 11 (or larger) posterboard or reinforced paper, and using collage, water color, goache, or any other medium, "explain" yourself in color.

The color part was easy. Sort of. There are colors that I know I'm not. I'm not green and I'm most definitely not blue. I don't really think I'm so orange. I had colors that popped into my head immediately. The problem was that I had to remind myself that this was not about colors I liked and, given my proclivity for fashion, I also had to remind myself that this was not about colors that looked fabulous together. The latter of these two caused me to initially think monochromatically (simply because I felt like it would look good) but I quickly realized that there is no chance in hell that I am just one color with many different tones. After repeatedly reminding myself that this was about colors that describe me (not look good on me) I settled on yellow - bright yellow, but also some gold, and red in shades ranging from cherry to deep fire to more pinky magenta.

I went to the art store and bought paper and some paints and mosaic tiles and those sort of oil-y crayons that we used to call craypaws in first grade (oh wait - I think it was craypas...like French or something. Goes to show you how sophisticated I am). I had almost zero game plan, but I figured it was good to start with some supplies. I knew that I'd try to find images in my colors in magazines and I knew that I wanted to have some sort of structure to my collage. I got home and started cutting. As I flipped and searched and cut, I came up with the concept of doing a huge flower with each of the petals being a different color and all of them swirling together in the center. Sounds great - Right? Say yes or I'll kill you. (Or make you pay for therapy.)

Actually, it wasn't. It turns out as I started laying it out on the paper, it was anything but great. It was, in fact, horrible. So I started playing around with the different magazine cutouts, trying to figure out some sort of plan, some sort of concept. The more I played, the further I felt from coming up with anything.

At about midnight on Sunday, I ended up screaming, "I am not a freaking artist damnit!!" to absolutely no one since my husband and dog had gone to bed several hours before.

As I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, I felt completely and totally discouraged. My project was supposed to be FINISHED by that time, given that I would be at work from 8:30 in the morning until 7 at night for the next two days and I couldn't exactly get away with painting and pasting in my cubicle.

I awoke at 6 the next morning, determined to find another concept. I perused magazine upon magazine and finally, found exactly what I was looking for in the pages of Domino. It was a painting that had the exact kind of feel I was going for. The picture had a yellow background with two black rolling hills and 2 figures walking on the hills. One of them was picking a flower in one hand and had a cornucopia of flowers pouring up to the sky in the other hand while the other was dancing along the hills with a small armful of flowers. I loved it! I would do my own interpretation using the paints and all the floral magazine cutouts that I had. AND I could find more floral pix at work during the day so that I'd have more than enough!

(I managed to find the painting on line...I LOVE THIS. We can add this painting to my want list...k? And you can find it here. The artist is Maggy Rozycki Hiltner. I heart her.)



That night I came home ready to make my own version of this picture. The plan was to make a gold hill with a magenta figure carrying the cone of flowers. I drew the picture and started to lay the flowers out and realized that this wasn't happening either. It wasn't for my lack of drawing skills and the concept came across just fine. But my way, it didn't work. Maggy's way sort of says me perfectly. But my job was to do it my way. And my way was NOT working. Even though my cornucopia of flowers was full of yellow and red, it looked nothing like me.

I wiped the many little flower cutouts away and stared at the page. I was surrounded by scraps of magazine pages. Everything was spread out on our dining room table and none of it made any sense. I felt totally and completely screwed. I hadn't waited until the last minute to start, but here I was - at the last minute, totally panicked. I stared at the white piece of paper in front of me and all the little cutout flowers around me. I opened the paint brushes and paints and I just started painting. I swiped colors across the page, I smudged the craypas to mix into different hues. I sprinkled gold over red and magenta over yellow. I didn't know what I was painting but I knew that I had stopped worrying and I was having fun.

The end result was a picture that could be looked at in one of two ways - as something that might hang in the Museum of Contemporary Art (ummmm....longshot) or on the wall of a kindergarten classroom (much more likely). But it was done. And while I was still concerned that I'd totally done it wrong and that everyone else's was going to be better than mine, I was happy with. It seemed a little out of control and in places even messy - but it was...me. (which clearly is at times out of control and messy...who the hell am I kidding??) And me wa the assignment - right? (You have to say yes here, because that was the assignment. It was...)

We got to class and hung our pictures at the front of the room. There were some beautiful pieces and all of them were totally different - not, as I'd been concerned - "right" or "wrong".

The lecturer for the evening was an expert on color and composition. And she was about to tell the entire class about our personalities based on our pictures. Fascinating.

She started by talking about the whole planned and controlled vs. spontaneous and free mindset. She discussed the fact that obviously, most people are a blend of both, but that often, from this assignment, it was clear which end of the spectrum the creator veered toward.

It's obvious which end of the spectrum I'm in...I'm a control freak. I like everything planned out and in it's place. But as I looked at my picture, it was clear that was NOT what it said.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, yours truly created the picture that was picked by several people in the class as the picture that exhibited the MOST spontaneity, the most fly by the seat of your pants attitude. She said that my picture exhibited the ability to go with the flow and just get carried. My picture exhibited a lot of emotion and passion. The few random circles on the page seemed to suggest some moments of frustration. The yellow represented optimism and the belief that I hold power within myself. The gold said that I was extroverted, occasionally like to sparkle and make some noise. She spoke very little about the red actually - except to say that it suggests that I have strong emotions and I'm passionate. Later on she spoke about other meanings of red - but I think it's interesting to talk about the parts of the painting that she felt stood out and spoke to her because she seemed to be pretty spot on.

It was hard for me to even think about the meanings of the colors because I was sitting there baffled by what my picture was saying about me - not only to the expert, but to a classroom full of people.

I'm...spontaneous? go with the flow? fly by the seat of my FREAKING PANTS?????

But the truth is that it actually makes perfect sense.

I often spend my life trying to control things - planning and plotting and making lists. But life seems to have a plan of it's own...and you often have very little say in it . Things have a funny way of rarely turning out how you plan them. And as my very wise therapist has often pointed out to me, control is an illusion on every level. We can try to control and plan - and most of us do - but really, we're just pawns in the game of something greater. Call it the universe, call it God, call it whatever you want. But something or someone else is up there pulling puppet strings, making it all happen.

I tried and tried to plan this project exactly how I thought it should be. I pondered, I had a well thought out plan. But my planning didn't work. In fact, my attempt at planning left me exasperated, frustrated, downright pissed. When I let myself get carried by the project, it all worked out. Maybe I need to spend a little less time planning and a little more time getting carried by the brushes and the paints and the ideas swirling around. Maybe I need to let it all happen a little more and not spend so much time pondering and trying to figure out how to fit it together. Maybe I need to let spontaneity take the reigns for the moment.




Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 7:08 PM 2 comments  

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Jewish Tourettes
Thursday, April 10, 2008

I love a good bargain. I grew up in the car with my grandmother telling my mom about "the bah-gain" she got on grapes at the grocery store that day.

"They were a dollah twenty five a pound at Stop and Shop but Julio's had them for ninety-nine cents!"

This was a conversation that I heard often. I didn't really get it when I was a kid. It was only later that I learned that my grandmother's family had owned a grocery store...so it was her business. The same way I discuss scripts and writers, she discussed grapes. But I digress. My point is that she loved a bargain. She paid for an entire meal at Friendly's in coupons once. I kid you not. The woman was a whiz at saving money.

This was my introduction to bargain shopping. However, as I got older, I didn't care so much about the bargain I could get on grapes as much as I cared about the sale rack at Banana Republic or Barney's Co-op. I prided myself on the fact that I could find great fashion at great prices. My mother assisted in this mission by making the day after Thanksgiving sale at Saks a family outing. We are the crazy people who awake at 7 AM for an 8 AM arrival at the Saks Copley Square. And we don't just get there early to make sure we get the best merchandise (although that definitely plays a role in our logic). We get there early because from 8-11 AM, there is an additional 40% off already reduced prices. Do you hear that? AN ADDITIONAL FORTY PERCENT. Which is how I got my one and only pair of Manolo Blahniks for $125. Amazing - right? I made Carrie Bradshaw proud. Even though she's a fictitious character, I know she was proud of my deal.

I've never been that girl who gets a compliment and just simply says "thank you". I wish I could be...I have often longed to be that girl. The classy one, who never has a hair out of place, who never lets them see her sweat. The girl who has the perfect pearls and is just cool enough to be slightly mysterious but still likable. I've always imagined what that feels like. To be the one who always says just enough but never too much.

I am not that girl. In fact, I am the opposite of that girl. I have Jewish tourettes.

I learned about this disorder at a bridal shower a few years ago. I was at a lovely home near Westlake Village and I was wearing my Manolos. The afternoon was delightful - perfect weather, interesting people, and a few glasses of perfectly crisp Pinot Grigio. We went outside to take a group photo and one of the shower hostesses looked down and remarked about my shoes.

"I love your shoes. They're stunning." And she pulled a few of her friends over to get a look.

She was right. They are. They're tan mules with red accents and the most perfect pointy toe you've ever seen. I just made my co-worker take a picture of them for me so that you can see. It doesn't do them justice...but you get the idea.

For some reason, it didn't even occur to me to simply say, "Thank you." The thought didn't cross my mind. It seemed to me to be my civic duty to let these lovely women in on the fact that I got a bonafide bargain on my Manolos.

"Thank you!" I started, but of course couldn't stop there. "I LOVE them!" I blurted, the excitement building. "I got them at the Saks day-after Thanksgiving sale! They were marked down from $475 to $200 AND I got an additional 40% off!" I exclaimed, expecting the routine excitement that I was used to receiving upon revelation of such an incredible deal.

Instead, I was greeted with blank stares and silence. It was as though I had just divulged my most intimate secrets, given details of my sexual exploits. I waited another moment, hoping that the pause button had been pressed on my life. But when it became clear that these women were horrified rather than proud, I gave a nervous laugh and quickly moved away, wondering how my usual divulging of information had been viewed as a gargantuan faux-pas. Where had I gone wrong?

And then I realized...these women were not Jewish. They were the well coiffed, well mannered women who could simply stop at "Thank you." They were not impressed by my bargain. Quite the opposite, in fact. They were horrified by the fact that I didn't (or perhaps couldn't) simply keep it to myself.

I refer to that incident as the discovery of Jewish tourettes. It's a disease that I've tried to overcome ever since that bridal shower. I have reminded myself time and again that it's ok to simply reply with "thank you" when I receive a compliment. I do not need to reveal the fact that I got it at the outlet. No one needs to know that it wasn't triple the price I actually paid. Let people think that I'm wealthier than I am!! But no matter how hard I try, it comes out. Before I can stop myself, I've let them know that I got it at the Theory outlet, that it came from H&M, that it was on the sale rack at Banana for $20. I simply can't resist. I blame it on those car rides with my grandmother and the grapes. And I remind myself that while other people might look at me like I have twenty heads, she's smiling somewhere saying, "That's my girl."

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 4:52 PM 2 comments  

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Things I want
Monday, April 7, 2008

There are a lot of things I want right now. And we're strictly talking material items here. I would venture to say there's a significantly deeper post residing behind this one...but I'm not in the mood to go there today. Today, I just feel like talking about the totally shallow desires that I'm having right now.


Shallow desire #1: Chanel makeup palette in Lumiere Naturelle. The perfect combo of 4 neutral eyes shadows, a peachy-pinky blush, and 4 glosses that would flatter anyone...especially me!

Shallow desire #2: Revale skincare night cream. It's my mother's fault that I want $100 skin cream. And to that end, I both blame her and thank her for the fact that I like nice things. A lot. She recommended this fabulous cream that is chockful of coffeeberry extract...apparently supposed to be some miracle antioxidant that will make my currently dull complexion glow. For now, a few strategically placed sparkles will have to suffice.

Shallow desires #3,4,5 & 6: A new bag. I love my current bag but it's too damn heavy before I put any of my crap in it...Can you imagine what happens once I throw in a couple of scripts, my wallet, a makeup bag and all the other ridiculous things that live in my purse? Ooooh - that's interesting. What's in my purse?

let's discuss:

In front pocket 1: keys. work place ID badge. Ticket stub from Charlie Bartlett at the Arclight. Super cute movie btw. Highly enjoyable. I recommend for a mindless, fun diversion. several business cards. Euros from our honeymoon last summer that were stuck inside my passport which I found when I sent my passport in to be renewed. And btw, I've totally made money on these Euros since the dollar has gotten WAY weaker since we were there. This is not a good thing, but the fact that I've made money is. A pot of Smith's rosebud salve - my lipsaver.

In front pocket 2: Aquaphor - also for my lips. Yu-be skin cream. Hands down the best hand cream ever. No pun intended. Barnes and Noble member card. What is this doing in the pocket? great question. A pen.

In large inside pouch 1: Sunglasses case. Change purse holding change for my meters. Bach Rescue Remedy Natural Pastilles. a hair elastic. Pack of travel tissues. menu of services from El Leon where I had an UNBELIEVABLE thai massage two weeks ago that literally fixed aches and pains that I've had for over 2 months. Earplugs.

Large inside pouch 2: Wallet...which is essentially a mini purse in and of itself. checkbook. another hair elastic. Extra passport photos. matches from Dominick's restaurant. A chanel powder brush. Hot pink lancome makeup pouch housing my daily essentials that attempt to make my skin glow since I'm without Revale skin cream right now. Tweezers.

And lastly, large pouch 3 (see? this is a big bag. And if it's heavy empty, then just imagine what it's like FULL!!!) A second pair of fabulous sunglasses from Forever 21. They sort of have a Jackie O look. And they were 5 bucks. Love them. A few pieces of mail that I'm supposed to take care of today at work. (Good thing I decided to go through my bag!) Gift cards to Nordstrom, Bloomingdales, and Neiman Marcus from our wedding. (I suppose all of which could be used to purchase these things that I want...but I'm saving them to get the last remaining items off of our registry that we really want). Why am I carrying them around with me you ask? I've been at these places too many freaking times and wanted to just take care of registry stuff, but I don't have the damn cards on me. So now I carry them with me so I don't have that issue. And lastly, 2 scripts that I read over the weekend of writers who would like to staff on a show for next season.

See, part of the reason my current bag is so heavy is because there's so much room for me to shove stuff in it. That's not to say that if I had the pleasure of owning any of the below, there wouldn't be equally as much shoving room. BUT. There is one difference and it's MAJOR.

These bags are light. Light as a feather. They are SO light on my shoulder that I barely even notice that they are there.

I was about to tell you about these bags, but before I do, can we talk about something for a moment? When the hell did things get so expensive. I mean clothes and shoes and bags and things like that. I mean, clothes are FREAKING expensive. My pocketbook can not POSSIBLY keep up with my taste these days. I went into Anthropologie last week and they had a five HUNDRED dollar dress. Since when did Anthropologie start carrying $500 items of clothing??? Seriously! There used to be a time where you could go to certain stores and at least feel safe looking at everything because everything in the store fell within a certain price range. Anthropologie was one of thsoe stores...I felt safe. Until I spied the 500 dollar dress. And this was no evening gown. This was your average, every day, adorably run of the mill dress. For 500 bucks. The world is ending.

Which brings me to bags. I know that the Gucci's and Chanel's and Prada bags of the world have always been expensive. But now it's all just insane. So no judgement on the cost of these bags...all I'm saying is I like them. And I want them. I'm not saying I'm going to have them. Meanwhile, how is it that every freaking woman on the west coast seems to walk down the street with these $1000 bags? Sometimes people have more than 1! They have 2 or 3 that they alternate. This baffles me.

The first 2 bags are Francesco Biasia. I saw the first one at Bloomingdales this weekend - it comes in this size and a larger size and I tried both on my shoulder and couldn't decide which size I wanted. Good thing I didn't actually have to make the choice since I knew I was walking out empty handed...

Shallow want #3 - The Francesco Biasia Straw SatchelShallow want #4 - Francesco Biasia Adah Satchel. I saw this one in NYC a few weeks ago. This was the first time that I realized it was really time for a new bag. While the knots in my shoulders have existed for weeks in LA, It was carrying the bag around the city for hours at a time that made me realize that I could be a slave to both fashion and my body if I decided to start carrying a lighter bag. I tried this one on and fell a little bit in love...although not as in love as I fell wiiiiiiiiiith....


Shallow want #5: Rebecca Minkoff Market Bag. I saw it in Black which I loved...but I like this dusty color they have at Bloomie's as well although it's not as versatile. I heart this bag with a capital H. It might be the perfect bag - light as a feather leather with just enough great pockets inside and out for all of the ridiculous odds and ends that I tote around, but not sooooooo many that I don't know where things are. I keep searching every day to see if it goes on sale. In which case I still won't be able to afford it since sale for a bag that starts at $675 doesn't really fall into the bargain range. This is one of those "when I get a job that pays me double what I'm making now I'm buying this for myself as a gift" bags.

Shallow want #6: Discovered today while perusing Bluefly. This is one of those bags that goes from the outrageous price of $695 to the bargain basement price of $415...see what I'm talking about? Sale, shmale. Maybe if it goes on sale from the sale, we can talk. But it sure is cute. okay...I'm off the bags. At least for this current edition of I want...off the bags and ontooooooooooo SHOES!!!!!

Shallow want #7: These Tory Burch wedges are everything a girl could want and desire in a shoe. The flats hurt me...not enough arch support. I need a little lift, but it would be nice to wear something that's not 3 inches as well. These are the perfect solution...except for the little fact that they come with the price tag of $275. Mom, if you're feeling charitable, the only size they have left on Saks.com is a 7...MY SIZE!!! AND, they're giving triple points for shopping online only until April 9! You still have 24 hours...



For the days I'm feeling far less practical, there's Shallow want #8. These fabulous Cole Haan heels in bright yellow. I love a great, bright colored shoe...it makes any outfit pop. And despite their 4 inch heel, these sunflower yellow shoes are fully equipped with a Nike air sole, making them shockingly comfortable. How do I know this? Easy. I tried them on at Bloomie's this weekend...when they were 30% off their steep price tag. However, I practiced tremendous self restraint and did not use our wedding gift cards to purchase these impractical beauties. Part of the reason that I was able to practice such self restraint is that I was showing kindness to my worn out shoulders and had switched bags...which meant that the gift cards were at home. It's a good thing too...Shallow want #9: J Brand Lovestory jeans. The lovestory is between me and the way these jeans fit my ass. Seriously, these babies are perfectly named. This is the one item on the list that I have moved to the top of my "you should make this purchase" list given that the cost/wear ratio of jeans is amazing. I'd say at the end of the life of a pair of jeans, I've paid about 25 cents per wearing. Now that I mention that, that's probably pretty true for bags as well. Interesting.

Anyhow. I love these jeans. I've tried them on on skinny days, I've tried them on on fat days. They look good every time. These are my next big purchase. Of course that might not happen for 6 months, but hey - I'm ready.
Off of clothes and on to more practical items...Shallow want #10!!!!! The no!no! hair remover from Sephora. I'm dying to have this. This thing is supposed to eliminate 65% of body hair (unwanted in case you weren't clear...meaning not my eyebrows or the hair on top of my head) with repeated use. And on top of that, it doesn't hurt. Nope. Not one little bit. AND it's easy to use. If you are a man, you might not understand the beauty of a product like this (for which, by the by, I have read several positive reviews from pedestrian users that haven't been paid by the company) but this is one to add to the top of my list.

And now on to home goods from aforementioned Anthropologie. I actually don't go into Anthropologie for clothing all that much anymore. I usually go to admire the selection of cookbooks, the kitschy new dishes and glassware, and yes...the gorgeous furnishings. We'll start small with Shallow want #11. $150 for a shower curtain is outrageous, but I still love this one. It's pretty without being overly feminine and it just sort of feels like it would make me smile every time I walked into my bathroom. It's got a whole flora y fauna thing going on and I love it. I'd love it more if I could get it at Target for $19.99...Next up on the Anthropologie covet list is shallow want #12 - this fabulous upholstered headboard. We need a headboard. Everything you ever read in the Feng Shui world says it's imperative to have a headboard - that it's a symbol of stability. I think it's time for us to get a headboard...and I really like this one. Plus, the suggest a headboard with curves in it for artistic people...which we both are. Hmmm...this want might not be so shallow afterall... I'll keep telling myself that.Last on the list of Anthropologie shallow wants is this amazing dresser - shallow want #13. I have been in love with this dresser for 2+ years. I stare at it longingly, dreaming of the day when we buy our first home and I decorate our bedroom to match this dresser. It's just...perfection in the form of a dresser. Don't you think? I pray that Anthropologie carries this just long enough for me to buy it...AAnd lest you think that I am entirely unpractical in nature, I' ve got my final shallow wants that are actually on the list for when I receive my next Bed, Bath, and Beyond 20% off coupons in the mail...

Shallow want #14...this faboo Simple Human fliptop dishrack - there's a special knife block for my Shun knives (the joy of having amaaaaaazing knives in the kitchen is beyond words. Truly). There are stem racks on the side for drying my wine glasses. I like compartments. I like tools that make it clear where each thing should go for maximum drying efficiency. Bottom line, I really like this dish rack. Shallow want #15 -- this one sort of doesn't count because I already bought one set for myself and I'm going out to get another one this weekend but you should all have these hangers. Seriously. Use your 20% off Bed Bath coupon and go get them. With the coupon it's $30 for 50 hangers and they are incredible. My small closet was become difficult to maneuver. I couldn't see anything - it all felt stuffed in. Until I found these. They claim to provide three times more closet space which I thought was absolutely ridiculous...until I saw it for myself. My once cluttered closet is now a sight for sore eyes. Except my eyes don't get sore because I can actually see my clothes! And as if that weren't enough, they have a lovely velvety no-slip surface with indents for straps on every hanger. I'm totally and completely in love. They're called ultra slim flocked hangers and if I were you, I would run...not walk. There's not much for me to want in the kitchen department since I got married last May (ummm...it's been almost a year. Which is crazy. But we'll discuss that another day) and I next to my husband, Williams-Sonoma is my first love. Honestly...there's no store I love more. And I wouldn't give up any of my kitchen stuff to have any of those bags or shoes. I might find one or two things I'd trade for the jeans and the dresser but it would be hard.

Now? I just want more cookbooks. Right now, these 2 are at the top of my list and I'm not considering this a shallow want since my cooking will benefit not only myself, but all those who get to eat my yummy food. Right?

So these are on the top of my list:

The only of the barefoot collection that I don't have. And since the rest have been incredible, I feel I must have this one as well...



This book is interesting to me because I love chefs and I love getting inside of their heads. I want to know what they like to eat and since this book deals with the meals they would choose to be their last and the recipes to accompany, it seems like a natural to add to my collection.
And lastly, I've become an Alice Waters devotee...I'm loving the sheer simplicity of her dishes. She instructs exactly how to compliment the natural flavors of food. So this would be an ideal addition as well.

And perhaps, my bank account would be bigger and all of this would closer to my fingertips if I could have this last thing I want:



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and



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without all of this:



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in between.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 5:53 PM 3 comments  

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Getting Old
Friday, April 4, 2008

Every single time I see Avenue Q, I cry when they sing "I Wish I Could Go Back To College." I haven't just seen Avenue Q once or twice. I was a part of the entire creative process...from workshop to Broadway opening which means that I've seen the show at least twenty times, probably more. It doesn't matter. That song has the same effect on me every single time. I mean, who can't relate to a puppet singing the lines "I wish I could just drop a class...Or get into a play...Or change my major...Or fuck my T.A. I need an academic advisor to point the way!" Those words seem to resonate with me more and more the older I get. Sometimes I would give my right arm for a freaking academic advisor to point the way.

There have been many different reasons at different times in my life that I've wanted to go back to college - to have almost all of my closest friends within a 4 mile radius, to not have to deal with real adult life, to be able to drink my current self under the table until 2 in the morning and then get up and be ready for a 9 AM dance class with no issue at all, to feel like I have my entire future ahead of me - to name a few. Seldom has my desire to go back to college had anything to do with academics.

But there is that rare occasion that I've wanted to go back to college to learn. I didn't learn nearly enough academically in college. Not because I wasn't given the opportunity - I went to an incredible school. (Go Cats!) BUT. I don't think that I'm alone when I say that learning wasn't necessarily always my first priority in college. It's not that I didn't want to do well - that was EXTREMELY important to me. But learning to do well on tests is far different from actually learning - soaking in the information so that you have it to go back to again and again. In many of my classes, I learned the first way, and I did exactly what I'd hoped. I got great grades. Most of my theater classes were more hands on. They weren't based on tests. They were based on how I performed in class or the projects that I handed in. And those are the classes from which I remember the most. But I often wish that I'd fought harder to get into some of the "impossible to get into" classes. I wish that I'd paid more attention in some of the lectures that were far more interesting than I realized. I wish that I'd taken more classes outside of the School of Speech. I wish that I'd cared less about doing well on tests and cared more about truly learning. But I was 18, 19, 20...and I cared about proving myself in my acting class, and getting a part in "Pippin", and what I was going to choreograph for Graffiti Dancers, and who I was taking to the next date party. I cared about taking a nap in between tailgates and going downtown on Saturday night and I cared about who I was living with Senior Year. I was too busy worrying about those things to truly pay attention in Human Sexuality (which I'm sure was absolutely fascinating but I can't remember a single thing about it.) To be honest, I've forgotten a lot of the classes that I took. All in all, outside of my theater and dance classes and a few others here and there, most of it is a blur.

And by the way, I think most of what you're supposed to learn in college has very little to do with academics. The most important thing that I began to learn in college was who I am. I learned what was important to me. I learned how to stand up for myself and for things I believe in. I learned about the kinds of person that I want to be and the kind of people I want to surround myself with. I met people who have shaped my life in the most important ways. Those are the most important lessons of college and the ones that I'll never forget.

And why is all of this coming to mind right now?

On Wednesday night at 7 PM, I went back to college. I had the same feeling in the pit of my stomach of nerves and excitement and complete unknown as I walked across the completely unfamiliar UCLA campus trying to find Perloff hall. I walked into a lecture hall...A FREAKING LECTURE HALL!!!!! When was the last time you were in a lecture hall? I looked around wondering who all the unfamiliar faces were, wondering about their stories. I felt unbridled excitement about the fact that I was about to learn something totally and completely new. The questions that ran through my mind from the moment I arrived on campus to the moment my professor began the class were exactly the same as when I was 17 sitting in Intro to Sociology...wondering who I might be friends with (I met one of my best friends in that class), would I do well (got my first D on the midterm), wondering what my future held(I was wrong about far more than I was right about).

Except I'm far from 17...I'm Holy. Shit. FIFTEEN years older than I was when I walked into Intro to Sociology in mid-September NINETEEN NINETY THREEEEEEE.

Ummmmmmmmm. When the hell did that happen?

On Wednesday night, I felt old.

HOLD IT. Before I get the emails, the comments, the phone calls saying "Meesh. Don't be ridiculous. You are FAR from old..." please continue reading. Because I'm not actually talking about the same old. I didn't feel old the way we hear so many people talk about being old.

"I'm ooooooold." She'll say with a drone in her voice, trying to explain why she can't stay out late like she once could.

"We're getting old ." He'll reply when he forgets something, sending the old up in his voice like an Jewish man who's been saying this since he was 22, which is part of what made him old to begin with. I've been forgetting things since I was 16 years old and I sure as hell wasn't old at 16.

On Wednesday night I felt old...or at least older in all of the best possible ways. I felt older because I sat in class and I soaked in every moment of the lecture. I was present in the utmost sense of the word. I didn't, not even for a moment, think about my day at work, or what I was going to eat for dinner, or what I could be doing instead. I was there, in class, taking in everything that was possible in those 2 1/2 hours. I felt older because I could appreciate how little I know but also how far I've come. I loved being a student. Since Wednesday night, I've felt invigorated by the sheer fact that I'm going to learn something completely new. I felt old, because as I walked into the lecture hall, with all of the same uncertainty and questions about my future, there was one question that I no longer had to ask. I know exactly who I am. And that feels good. There's nothing wrong with being old.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 3:50 PM 0 comments  

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