I'm baaaaack
Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Oh wait - I don't want to make any grand statements yet. I might be back. I'm trying to be back. I have no idea how often I'll be on here or how high the quality of my writing will be. I've decided not to set any goals for myself since I tend to rebel against things like that and I figure there's no quicker way to make sure that I don't show up than to say I'm going to write x number of times a week, a month, etc. etc. etc...

But, as you can see, I'm trying to get back into this writing thing again. I had a little encouragement (thanks for letting me know I was missed) and I've been meaning to do something to get my brain working outside of mommy-hood a bit so I figured there was, to quote one of my favorite musicals, no day like today.

I've also been contemplating the name of this thing...when I started this blog, I was pretty focused on getting back to Manhattan. And while it's still a dilemma in our lives as a family, I've found myself sort of nicely settled in LA. Is it weird to have a blog called "Take Me Back to Manhattan" and rarely talk about Manhattan or going back?

Anyhow, that's all for tonight. My child threw a 30 minute tantrum over a popsicle before she went to bed and I think I've done about as much thinking as I possibly can for today. But I just wanted to say thanks to those who have let me know that they're glad I'm writing again (and of course, those that encouraged me to do so in the first place.) I can't tell you how much it means to know that even one person is interested in reading what I have to say...

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 7:57 PM 0 comments  

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The 120th Day
Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Monday was my 120th day. Well, at least I think it was. It's hard to know exactly, but I counted from the day that I think the baby was conceived.

This woman is nuts, you're thinking. Why on EARTH would she need to know when her 120th day falls?

In the yogic tradition, the 120th day is the day that a woman actually becomes a mother because that is the day that the soul of the baby actually enters the body. It is said that from that day forward, the baby is aware of everything the mother says, feels, thinks - the people she surrounds herself with, the music she listens to, the food she eats - and all of this shapes the baby.

Now I KNOW she's nuts.

Perhaps. But I've been a yoga devotee for several years now and I have no doubt that yoga had a huge positive influence on my first pregnancy and birthing experience so I've been going even more this time around. So when one of my teachers, Akal, told me that she would love to celebrate my 120th day in class, I got out my calendar and I counted.

Class fell on Tuesday (since I don't know for CERTAIN the exact day, it all works out - right?) and on Tuesday, we did a meditation and mantra to welcome our baby's soul. It was was absolutely amazing. In the week preceeding the class, I noticed that I had started feeling more connected to the baby. I don't know if it's because I had felt like total ass for the first 18 weeks of my pregnancy and I was finally starting to feel better. I don't know if it's because the baby was starting to move more. Or perhaps, just perhaps, it was because the baby's soul was entering it's body - and that left me feeling more connected. But I did. And on Tuesday morning, as we chanted a beautiful sanskrit meditation, I swear I felt bathed in warm golden sunlight.

Perhaps I am nuts. Or perhaps this baby is going to bring more warm, golden sunlight into my life than I ever could have imagined. Or perhaps it's a little bit of both...

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:23 PM 2 comments  

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LOVE AND LIGHT
Monday, August 16, 2010

To be honest with you, I don’t know if the movie Eat Pray Love was good or not. I don’t know because I felt moved at times, inspired, and connected. A movie doesn’t have to be well done to do that, but when it does do those things for me, it’s hard for me to determine if I think it’s a good movie. I’ve seen a few HORRIBLE movies that I left the theater loving because I related. Upon 2nd viewing, I would realize that it was simply the circumstance or the place I was in my life at that moment or whatever – but that the movie itself was actually awful. I don’t know if Eat Pray Love falls into this category (the reviews would have me believe so) or not, but I left feeling satisfied.

There is a moment when the main character is in India talking about her ex-husband and looking for forgiveness or looking for him to tell her she’s ok and it’s ok or whatever it is she’s looking for that is not only outside of herself, but outside of her control. And her friend at the Ashram tells her that all she can do is forgive herself – that when a person that she is concerned about floats into her consciousness, all she can do is wish that person Love and Light – and then move them out of her consciousness.

In the past year, I have struggled with a few close relationships in my life. Close is a funny word to describe them, because that’s exactly what I no longer feel with these people. None of them have relationships with each other – the only thing they have in common is that at one time in their lives, they had an extremely close relationship with me. And from my perspective, we don’t have the same relationship anymore. The details are different with each person but the underlying reason is the same. Things change. People change – even the people that you are sure you know because you’ve known them for 10 or 15 or 20 years. We all grow up and new people enter our lives and new experiences effect us and we grow and we shift and we change. So we’ve probably both changed and with that, so has the friendship. I don’t know whether or not they feel the things that I feel, but I no longer feel good or happy or fulfilled by these relationships. I often find myself angry after interactions with any of these people. I go in hoping things will be what they once were – but fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, well – you know the rest. So shame on me for expecting things to be different at this point. I leave angry, hurt, frustrated, nostalgic. But more than anything, I’m left sad. And conflicted. I care deeply for all of these people. But I no longer desire to have the relationship that we once had. And my inability to figure out how to “let go” has taken up a part of my being that would be so much better used for other, more positive things. I ultimately wind up angry at MYSELF. Why am I letting someone that I don’t even really LIKE anymore get to me so deeply? Why am I spending so much time thinking about it? Why, just when I think I’ve gotten to a new level, does something happen that sends me reeling all over again? And in the end, I’m the one who’s left with all the shit swimming in my head and my heart. It’s not good for me.

So I’m going to try something new. When anything happens with one of these people, or if I just happen to be thinking about them for whatever reason – be it because they’ve reached out or have come up in conversation or whatever – instead of thinking and thinking and thinking some more about what used to be and what isn’t now and what happened the last time we saw each other or spoke that just chipped another piece away from the relationship – I’m going to send them Love and Light and then I’m going to move them out of my consciousness. It makes sense – I struggle because I do love, even if I don’t like so much anymore. And looking for answers has my chasing my tail. So I’m going to try only being positive and letting go.

Yes it’s totally idealistic. But I’ve been trying to let go for a few years with some of these people and nothing has worked. So as someone smart once said, “Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:45 PM 1 comments  

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