Overwhelmed. with a capital o.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010

"Mommy - gooooooooo!" says my daughter. Go means both go and come and this morning at 6:25 AM, go means come play with me.

"Daddy is going to go play this morning. Mommy needs to sleep a little more," I respond, grateful that my husband is getting up with Evvy this morning.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Evidently, she has chosen this morning to be anti-daddy. Great.

We try a few more times, but she wants nothing to do with her father this morning. So I lug myself out of bed and into the family room where she has now decided that Daddy is a sufficient playmate. I set up a makeshift bed on the floor so that I am still there but can close my eyes for a few more minutes. Today I feel exhausted. And my belly is itchy. And have I mentioned that my ass seems to decided it should keep up with my stomach? I'm going to need to get it it's own seat on our next flight. I keep making lists of things I need to get done but relaxing doesn't seem to be anywhere on that list. With the exception of the occassional pre-natal yoga class, I can't seem to find anytime for myself. It doesn't matter that I don't plan anything most evenings - there are dishes and laundry and bills. And those are just the weekly things - forget all the things on my list to get done before the baby arrives. I am exhausted.

At 7:15, while they go to walk the dogs, I get up and empty the dishwasher, reload the dishwasher, and start to get things ready for the sitter who will be arriving in an hour. Evvy has decided she wants cornichons for breakfast. Hey - whatever works.

I run to the grocery store to grab milk, which we are out of, since there will not be a successful naptime without milk. I take advantage of these 15 minutes to catch up with a good friend in NYC who has recently had her 2nd child - grateful for her words of wisdom and thoughts on how to juggle two as best as possible. (best as possible seems to be the key.)

I come home feeling mildly less overwhelmed when I enter my kitchen to my husband and child sitting on the floor surrounded by the contents of an entire container of Happy Baby puffs, most of her sippy cups and a slew of other things from the cabinets that I can't recall seeing because I was only seeing mild shades of red. Perhaps my baby is happy, but I am not.

I understand that my husband simply wants to keep her happy, but all too soon, he is going to realize the value of keeping mommy happy as well. Because he and I both know that now that I am home, he will need to get in a shower to leave for the day and I will be left to not only attempt to keep my toddler happy, but to also clean up the contents of the floor.

I spend the first 30 minutes that the sitter is there doing just that and getting dressed and I finally get out the door, knowing that at least I am on my way to yoga to try to clear my mind and my heart and my spirit. I am Overwhelmed - yes...with a capital O.

I was so zen during my pregnancy with Evvy but I am having immense trouble finding my zen this time around. I can't help but spend hours on end wondering how the hell I'm going to make it all work when there are 2. And yes, if you are my mother or my father or my aunt or anyone else of that generation, I am sure you are reading this, perhaps chuckling, thinking about how you did it and we all turned out fine. And that may be true. But I am not you, and I haven't done it yet and I am Overwhelmed. How do you tend to an infant, who literally needs you to survive, and a toddler, who emotionally needs you (and is still a baby too) at the same time? I know that people do it AAAAAAAAAAAAALL the time, but I haven't figured out how I'm going to do it. And to be honest, the questions from the other moms who have 18 month olds, asking me if I'm nervous about how I'm going to do it aren't helping. I smile warmly and say, "a bit, but we knew it would be more work at the beginning - we wanted the kids to be close in age." But what I want to say is, "Are you nuts? Of COURSE I'm nervous. I'm totally insane. What the hell was I thinking??????????" I don't.

I know that Evvy will be fine - that she will adapt. I know that I will manage to give the baby everything she needs as well. I know that there will just have to be enough of me to go around and that second babies tend to be more adaptable and that Evvy will adapt too. At least I tell myself these things to try to feel better. But when I'm done taking care of everyone else, I can't help but wonder, will there be enough of me left for me? Perhaps that's selfish of me, but to be perfectly honest, I think that in order to be a good mother, you need to be selfish sometimes. How do you give 100% of yourself to everyone else? You have to save a little bit for you. And I'm worried that there will be nothing left for me...

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:39 AM 0 comments  

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Which coast is the right coast?
Saturday, September 11, 2010

Just when I thought I was getting all zen about living in Los Angeles, my daughter had to go and start remembering our parents each time she sees them.


We've had a family filled week. We spent Labor day weekend with my in-laws and my nephews in Florida and then two days after we got back, my parents came out here to spend time with us. On both occasions, Evvy remembered her grandparents immediately. And on both occasions, she bolted out of bed in the morning asking to go see her grandparents. My parents left this evening and I'm dreading the tears tomorrow (both hers and mine) when she wakes up to find that Grammy and Papa are no longer sleeping in her playroom.

We talk about moving back east on a weekly basis now. There would have been a time when having that conversation would have given me anxiety because I would have wanted it to happen so badly that it hurt - and the mere idea of having to stay in Los Angeles would have left me breaking out in hives. But in the past couple of years, I have grown to love LA. I still understand the whole NY mentality that the seasons give you character. But to be honest, when I was trudging through slush and the wind was blowing in my face, my character was not much more than bitchy. I love the weather in LA. Constant sun, no humidity, temps that rarely go below 60...it makes a girl happy, plain and simply. And you really can't knock happiness. Perhaps my unplanned vacation from the entertainment industry has left me happier as well since it's left me time as a mommy to meet a whole other group of people in LA. I have great friends here. I still miss my friends in NYC - there are days and moments where I long to just make a call and share a bottle of wine with one of them. But I do have great friends in LA now too. I'm happy here.

Except that we live 5000 miles away from our families. I missed our parents before - but seeing them with Evvy makes everything different. She ADORES them and they her. It's a love affair the way a grandparent/grandchild should have and for her to only have that on special occasions is absolutely heartbreaking to us. Never mind the practicality factor of having an extra set of hands or two every so often - or knowing that you can go away for a weekend because your parents will hop in the car and come take care of your kid. While we are aware that there are pluses to living far away from family at times, we have trouble sympathizing when friends complain about the 30 minutes schlep across LA to go see their families. Plus, throw in the fact that it's not so easy to get a 17 month old toddler to sit still for a 5 hour plane ride (and that's only if there aren't delays) and the fact that we're about to have ANOTHER child and all of a sudden, we're not coming back east anymore.

I wonder if my love for LA will continue without the biting sarcasm of the New York City streets to break things up now and then.

But work is here right now. And so right now, this is where we'll be. And while the sun might shine most of the time in LA, on the days our parents leave town, it doesn't matter how bright the sun is shining - it's colder than any slushy, windy east coast day.

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:46 PM 0 comments  

I'm baaaaack
Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Oh wait - I don't want to make any grand statements yet. I might be back. I'm trying to be back. I have no idea how often I'll be on here or how high the quality of my writing will be. I've decided not to set any goals for myself since I tend to rebel against things like that and I figure there's no quicker way to make sure that I don't show up than to say I'm going to write x number of times a week, a month, etc. etc. etc...

But, as you can see, I'm trying to get back into this writing thing again. I had a little encouragement (thanks for letting me know I was missed) and I've been meaning to do something to get my brain working outside of mommy-hood a bit so I figured there was, to quote one of my favorite musicals, no day like today.

I've also been contemplating the name of this thing...when I started this blog, I was pretty focused on getting back to Manhattan. And while it's still a dilemma in our lives as a family, I've found myself sort of nicely settled in LA. Is it weird to have a blog called "Take Me Back to Manhattan" and rarely talk about Manhattan or going back?

Anyhow, that's all for tonight. My child threw a 30 minute tantrum over a popsicle before she went to bed and I think I've done about as much thinking as I possibly can for today. But I just wanted to say thanks to those who have let me know that they're glad I'm writing again (and of course, those that encouraged me to do so in the first place.) I can't tell you how much it means to know that even one person is interested in reading what I have to say...

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 7:57 PM 0 comments  

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The 120th Day
Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Monday was my 120th day. Well, at least I think it was. It's hard to know exactly, but I counted from the day that I think the baby was conceived.

This woman is nuts, you're thinking. Why on EARTH would she need to know when her 120th day falls?

In the yogic tradition, the 120th day is the day that a woman actually becomes a mother because that is the day that the soul of the baby actually enters the body. It is said that from that day forward, the baby is aware of everything the mother says, feels, thinks - the people she surrounds herself with, the music she listens to, the food she eats - and all of this shapes the baby.

Now I KNOW she's nuts.

Perhaps. But I've been a yoga devotee for several years now and I have no doubt that yoga had a huge positive influence on my first pregnancy and birthing experience so I've been going even more this time around. So when one of my teachers, Akal, told me that she would love to celebrate my 120th day in class, I got out my calendar and I counted.

Class fell on Tuesday (since I don't know for CERTAIN the exact day, it all works out - right?) and on Tuesday, we did a meditation and mantra to welcome our baby's soul. It was was absolutely amazing. In the week preceeding the class, I noticed that I had started feeling more connected to the baby. I don't know if it's because I had felt like total ass for the first 18 weeks of my pregnancy and I was finally starting to feel better. I don't know if it's because the baby was starting to move more. Or perhaps, just perhaps, it was because the baby's soul was entering it's body - and that left me feeling more connected. But I did. And on Tuesday morning, as we chanted a beautiful sanskrit meditation, I swear I felt bathed in warm golden sunlight.

Perhaps I am nuts. Or perhaps this baby is going to bring more warm, golden sunlight into my life than I ever could have imagined. Or perhaps it's a little bit of both...

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 9:23 PM 2 comments  

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LOVE AND LIGHT
Monday, August 16, 2010

To be honest with you, I don’t know if the movie Eat Pray Love was good or not. I don’t know because I felt moved at times, inspired, and connected. A movie doesn’t have to be well done to do that, but when it does do those things for me, it’s hard for me to determine if I think it’s a good movie. I’ve seen a few HORRIBLE movies that I left the theater loving because I related. Upon 2nd viewing, I would realize that it was simply the circumstance or the place I was in my life at that moment or whatever – but that the movie itself was actually awful. I don’t know if Eat Pray Love falls into this category (the reviews would have me believe so) or not, but I left feeling satisfied.

There is a moment when the main character is in India talking about her ex-husband and looking for forgiveness or looking for him to tell her she’s ok and it’s ok or whatever it is she’s looking for that is not only outside of herself, but outside of her control. And her friend at the Ashram tells her that all she can do is forgive herself – that when a person that she is concerned about floats into her consciousness, all she can do is wish that person Love and Light – and then move them out of her consciousness.

In the past year, I have struggled with a few close relationships in my life. Close is a funny word to describe them, because that’s exactly what I no longer feel with these people. None of them have relationships with each other – the only thing they have in common is that at one time in their lives, they had an extremely close relationship with me. And from my perspective, we don’t have the same relationship anymore. The details are different with each person but the underlying reason is the same. Things change. People change – even the people that you are sure you know because you’ve known them for 10 or 15 or 20 years. We all grow up and new people enter our lives and new experiences effect us and we grow and we shift and we change. So we’ve probably both changed and with that, so has the friendship. I don’t know whether or not they feel the things that I feel, but I no longer feel good or happy or fulfilled by these relationships. I often find myself angry after interactions with any of these people. I go in hoping things will be what they once were – but fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, well – you know the rest. So shame on me for expecting things to be different at this point. I leave angry, hurt, frustrated, nostalgic. But more than anything, I’m left sad. And conflicted. I care deeply for all of these people. But I no longer desire to have the relationship that we once had. And my inability to figure out how to “let go” has taken up a part of my being that would be so much better used for other, more positive things. I ultimately wind up angry at MYSELF. Why am I letting someone that I don’t even really LIKE anymore get to me so deeply? Why am I spending so much time thinking about it? Why, just when I think I’ve gotten to a new level, does something happen that sends me reeling all over again? And in the end, I’m the one who’s left with all the shit swimming in my head and my heart. It’s not good for me.

So I’m going to try something new. When anything happens with one of these people, or if I just happen to be thinking about them for whatever reason – be it because they’ve reached out or have come up in conversation or whatever – instead of thinking and thinking and thinking some more about what used to be and what isn’t now and what happened the last time we saw each other or spoke that just chipped another piece away from the relationship – I’m going to send them Love and Light and then I’m going to move them out of my consciousness. It makes sense – I struggle because I do love, even if I don’t like so much anymore. And looking for answers has my chasing my tail. So I’m going to try only being positive and letting go.

Yes it’s totally idealistic. But I’ve been trying to let go for a few years with some of these people and nothing has worked. So as someone smart once said, “Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:45 PM 1 comments  

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Seeing the world through different eyes
Wednesday, November 25, 2009

We're in NYC for Thanksgiving and today we went up to the Central Park Zoo with Evvy's 2 year old cousin, Eli. It was a great afternoon, save the fact that my daughter has chosen this trip to NYC to boycott her stroller-which means I strapped her to my chest for our entire walk through the zoo. Oh and did I mention that Evvy is not so fond of shoes? Eli's favorite phrase by the end of the day was "shoe alert! Shoe alert!!" Because that's what I said every single time my daughter's shoes were kicked off. Which totalled about 50.

Anyhow, I kept my eyes on my kid more than anything else. And she kept her eyes on the entire world. The lights, the noises, the tall buildings, the trees- it was a visual playground for my 8 month old daughter. And I got to see NYC through her eyes. Everywhere she looked I looked. She was absolutely exhausted. Yawns for days...but it didn't matter- she wasn't going to miss a thing. Reminded me of myself back in the day...didnt matter how tired I was. I could sleep when I got back to LA.

We got through the zoo, then walked down Fith Ave past the silver clad windows of Bergdorf Goodman, the lit up red bow of Cartier, the horns and the yelling and the every day average sounds of NYC- all unfamiliar to my little girl. When it was time to go home, it was 4 PM. For those of you who don't know, that's the time that many many cabs go off duty, making finding one a nearly impossible feat. We walked and walked. We tried the stroller, but she wasn't having it. It started to spit, but she a hat on and didn't care if she got a little wet as long as she could look up and see everything. We walked fromthe east side to the west side. I sang her songs as she yawned, hoping to make her sleep, but instead they made her laugh which truthfully, was probably better than sleep ever would have been. There were no cabs to be found and while my feet were ready to fall off, I decided I'd rather sacrifice my feet than take the subway in the age of swine flu.

We walked down 9th, which was a veritable parking lot and around 45th I realized that my child was going to have to get in her stroller if we were going to make it downtown. She screamed, I walked faster and 3 short blocks later, at 42nd, we finally found a cab. The second we got inside, away from the lights and the sounds and the smells, my little girl fell asleep in my arms.

It was exhausting. Made me question whether or not I could truly have a baby in this city. My feet freaking killed (still do), my hair was a disaster (still is), my child barely napped (and for those of you that have kids, you know that's a NIGHTMARE.)

But. At the end of the day, I can honestly say that it was the best view I've ever had of NYC.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 8:31 PM 2 comments  

parenting in a nutshell
Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The following is a conversation I had with my good friend, Stacey, recently:

Me: So we started Evvy on solids yesterday.
Stacey: That's exciting! What did you feed her?
Me: Rice cereal.
Stacey: I thought you weren't going to start with rice cereal.
Me: I know...I decided to.
Stacey: (laughing) Aren't you the one who said to me, 'Would YOU want to eat rice cereal?"
Me: Haven't you figured me out yet with this whole parenting thing? I think I know exactly how it should all go until it actually comes time to do it and then I realize I'm full of shit and just do whatever works...

Stacey laughs at me.

Me: And anyhow, she loved the rice cereal. So who cares if I wouldn't want to eat it. SHE certainly did. 

Posted byMeesh-elle my Belle at 7:03 PM 1 comments  

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